ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport
FRESH VICTIMS
While 44 All Blacks arrived in South Africa this weekend, one of New Zealand rugby’s most consistently overlooked loose forwards will instead be boarding a far less glamorous bus to Wellington’s Cake tin, where Hawke’s Bay are now expected to absorb several months of professionally suppressed frustration.
After missing All Blacks selection despite another standout Super Rugby season, Du’Plessis Kirifi is tipped to unleash every tackle, cleanout and carry that had originally been earmarked for international opposition directly onto the unfortunate visitors in Sunday’s NPC opener for the Lions.
“I’ve accepted it,” Kirifi said, while accidentally folding a metal chair in half.
“Obviously I would’ve loved to be on that plane, but fortunately Hawke’s Bay have volunteered as an emotional support outlet for me this weekend.”
“I’ve got about fourteen weeks’ worth of tackles stored up with nowhere else to go.”
“I genuinely hope their loosies stretched properly this morning.”
Kirifi has remained remarkably composed throughout the week, with coaches only becoming concerned after he was seen aggressively congratulating teammates during opposed sessions and apologising to tackle bags after accidentally splitting several in half.
“And look, none of this is personal… unless you’re standing between me and the gain line.”
Sports psychologists say the emotional energy generated by Kirifi’s omission is now roughly equivalent to a small hydroelectric scheme, with most expecting it to be released sometime around the opening whistle.
The omission has reignited debate after three uncapped players were named in the All Blacks touring squad, prompting another wave of supporters insisting Kirifi had done everything possible to earn selection. Unfortunately, experts confirmed that passionately arguing on social media now carries the same selection value as yelling at the weather.
Meanwhile, Hawke’s Bay officials have reportedly requested clarification from NZ Rugby over whether being used as someone else’s coping mechanism still counts as a standard NPC fixture.
More to come.
