GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING
Desperate to claw back some form of relevance, Labour leader Chris Hipkins is reportedly planning to lead his caucus in what insiders are calling “Parliament’s first official haka.”
Sources inside the Labour Party say Hipkins has grown increasingly frustrated with being ignored by both the public and the media. “No one’s quoting him anymore,” one staffer admitted. “He could announce free KFC for pensioners and the press gallery would still be too busy watching Chlöe Swarbrick get kicked out of Parliament again.”
According to those close to the planning, Hipkins believes the haka will “re-energise” the party and remind New Zealanders that Labour still exists.
“He saw how much attention Te Pāti Māori get when they do one, and thought, ‘We should do that!’” said one visibly tired adviser. “He just wants to be seen. It’s actually quite sad.”
The proposed haka, tentatively titled Ka Whiti Anō a Chris (“Chris Rises Again”), is said to involve the entire caucus performing as an interruption to parliament, followed by Hipkins giving a short speech about “coming together as a people” — although it isn’t clear if he knows what that means.
Some Labour MPs are reportedly nervous about the idea. “We’re politicians, not a kapa haka group,” said one MP off the record. “We barely know the Maori part of the national anthem, let alone what Chris has written in his notebook.”
When asked for comment, Hipkins smiled awkwardly and said, “It’s not about politics, it’s about passion,” before clarifying that passion, in this case, meant “hopefully getting a video to go viral.”
Political commentators have described the move as “textbook mid-career attention-seeking,” comparing it to “a divorced dad buying a motorbike.”
If successful, sources say Hipkins plans to follow it up with a TikTok dance campaign and an updated profile pic for his personal LinkedIn.
More to come.
