Blackcaps Fans Prepared To Do An All-Nighter Hoping To Taste A Billion Delicious Indian Tears
IT’LL BE WORTH IT.
Black Caps fans have declared their readiness to sacrifice a good night’s sleep to experience something rare – the sweet, sweet taste of a billion Indian tears.
The New Zealand side led by Kane Williamson face India in the World Cup semi-final tonight, where the Indians are heavily favoured with an unbeaten run of nine straight pool matches.
With the semi-final beginning at 9:30pm NZT and not finishing until nearly 5:00 am tomorrow, it means most Kiwis will have to sacrifice a good night’s sleep or skip work altogether.
New Dad Sure His Own Children’s Books Would Be Better Than Anything Else That’s Out There
IT’LL BE EASY.
A first time Kiwi father is planning to write his own series of children’s books after being underwhelmed with the reading options for his new baby.
Amelia Jefferson gave birth to a baby boy one week ago. Her husband, Scott, has taken some time away from his job as an arborist to help settle into life as a young family.
Scott says he was excited about the opportunity to read to his young son, and was grateful to be given books from friends and family who had children of their own.
Public Servant Turbocharges Email Signature With Fresh New He/Him Pronouns
HE MEANS BUSINESS.
Wellington-based senior comms advisor Gareth Bowman is showing his Ministry of Health colleagues exactly what he’s made of this week.
The 29 year old will be hoping senior managers were watching, as he debuted his hyper-professional new “he/him pronouns” in his email signature this Monday morning.
“I send a comms update around to all the managers every second Monday of the month, so they definitely would have seen it,” Bowman said confidently.
Napier’s New Rooftop Bar Somehow Fails to Replicate Melbourne Vibes
The new “jewel in the crown” of Napier’s hospitality scene has punters questioning if there’s any point having rooftop views of its main street.
The city’s new rooftop bar, creatively named Rooftop, was pitched as offering majestic skyline and cityscape views, similar to the iconic rooftop bars of Melbourne and New York.
However, those at the launch are scratching their heads, with a carpark blocking a significant part of the sea and a Briscoes taking up much of the remaining view.
NZ Media Naturally Doesn’t Realise We’re Being Mocked For This Weird Bird Contest We Do
OOH JOHN OLIVER.
In classic style, New Zealand’s media has latched on to the fact that American late night host John Oliver has noticed New Zealand again.
22 year old Stuff intern Jaime Wallace was energised about Oliver inserting himself into the ‘Bird of the Year’ contest, (this year called ‘Bird of the Century’) getting behind some species of bird he picked at random.
“He’s launching a whole campaign for the pūteketeke! Crazy! Looks like Bird of the Century is going global!” she said without any sense of irony.
Grown Woman Blames Teenager For Losing Her Electorate Seat
CLASSY.
Labour MP Ginny Andersen is apparently under the impression that she lost her electorate seat in Hutt South because of one teenage volunteer who she believed “didn’t knock on enough doors” during the election campaign.
Andersen has given one of the most convincing apologies of all time, saying “I’m really sorry if my comments caused hurt”. She also reportedly said off the record that she was sorry that the volunteer was such a big fat crybaby.
The teen’s mother made the complaint, saying her daughter and son were yelled at during the Labour Lower Hutt election night event, and pushed to leave early. It was not reported how many drinks Ginny had poured herself by that time.
Smug Millennial Reaches New Level Of Personal Satisfaction By Pointing Out Age, Ethnicity And Sex Of Elected Prime Minister
MIDDLE AGED WHITE GUY.
Ruby Galbraith, a 29-year-old self-proclaimed social justice warrior achieved a new zenith of personal satisfaction today.
“Another white, pale, stale male in power. Do better NZ.” Ruby Tweeted to her echo-chamber of followers as she sipped her ethically sourced soy latte at a cafe on Wellington’s Cuba Street.
“I mean, come on, New Zealand, you could’ve at least tried something new, like a genderqueer, non-binary, intersectional vegan as Prime Minister!”
Man Picks Melbourne Cup’s Dead Last Loser Three Years In A Row
IT’S A GIFT.
Wellington man Lachie Richardson, 33, has gone three years in a row betting on exactly the wrong horse in the Melbourne Cup.
As jockey Mark Zahra was picking up his second Melbourne Cup win in a row, this time riding Without A Fight, Richardson was peering down towards the back of the field to find his pick for the day, Right You Are.
“I was thinking ‘ah yep, this’ll make it three years in a row’,” he said, shaking his head while thinking about his barron bank account.
REVEALED: Anti-Whipping Anti-Horseracing Activist Actually Enjoys A Bit Of Whipping Herself
NUP TO THE CUP, YIP TO THE WHIP.
Ruby Galbraith has come clean today.
It’s not that the 29 year-old Wellingtonian is onboard with the Melbourne Cup or anything. It is more that while she Tweets to her regular echo chamber about how she is anti whipping and anti-horse racing… she actually doesn’t mind a bit of whipping herself in certain adult situations.
Our reporters caught up with BDSM enthusiast Miss Galbraith.
“While I think whips should never be used on animals, I actually think whipping still has its place – in the bedroom between consenting adults,” Galbraith said with a smirk.
Coalition Talks Break Down After Winston Reveals He Doesn’t Drink Wakachangi
NO DEAL.
Coalition talks to form the next New Zealand Government have ground to a screeching halt after Winston Peters, the leader of the New Zealand First Party, made a stunning revelation to Prime Minister-elect Christopher Luxon.
Peters, known for his affinity for straight talk and no-nonsense politics, dropped a bombshell that sent shockwaves through Luxon’s National Party office – he doesn’t drink Wakachangi lager.
Luxon’s National Party, closely aligned with the ACT Party, had been counting on Peters and his New Zealand First Party to form a government. The negotiations had been progressing, albeit with a fair share of political wrangling and compromise, as is customary in coalition talks. However, the entire house of cards came crashing down when Peters dared to defy the sacred elixir of Wakachangi beer.
