Winston Peters Demands Parliament Build Stable For His Horse
BACK IN THE SADDLE.
Political journeyman Winston Peters has revealed that as part of coalition arrangements with National and Act, he expects a stable to be built on parliament grounds for his two year old stallion, Apache.
“This is a non-negotiable. I have said from the beginning that I will be riding Apache to parliament each day, and if you useless so-called journalists were doing your jobs properly, then you would already know that,” he said in his signature style.
With special votes now in, much to the relief of Newshub’s Patrick Gower, it has been confirmed that we once again will need Winston if we want a stable government.
Loud Person With Opinion From Small Town Selected For Local News Story
CLICKABLE CONTENT.
An opinionated middle aged man is loving life after being featured in the print and online versions of his local newspaper.
John Frame, a 58 year old dentist from Thames Valley, was overheard at his local pub saying he was moving his practice to Australia because he could earn more money and have a better lifestyle.
Little did he realise Thames Times reporter Lane Whitmore was at the other end of the bar. Spotting a front page splash, Whitmore encouraged Frame to go on the record. Not that he took much convincing.
Warriors Players Offer All Blacks Coping Tips For Dud Refereeing
IN THE SAME BOAT.
The Warriors have decided to bestow their unassailable wisdom upon the All Blacks, offering invaluable advice on how to deal with dud refereeing decisions, especially in big games and key moments.
The All Blacks touched down in Auckland today, just days after their controversial Rugby World Cup final loss to the Springboks.
The match was marred with questionable decisions from the referees that negatively impacted the game, something Warriors captain Tohu Harris has experienced multiple times before, in both onfield decisions and questionable calls from the NRL’s Bunker system.
Office HR Complaint Filed After Millennial Vindictively Sides With Wayne Barnes
LOVES AN UNPOPULAR CAUSE.
Ruby Galbraith, a self-proclaimed ‘woke’ millennial from Wellington, has the prestigious title as the office’s resident contrarian.
The pink-haired 29 year-old is notorious for championing unpopular causes and has decided to take it to a whole new level this morning.
Ruby, smug as ever, declared in the office lunchroom that she thought referee Wayne Barnes had an excellent game during the controversial All Blacks loss to the Springboks in the Rugby World Cup final on Sunday morning.
World Cup Broadcast Cut Short And Replaced With Episode Of “The Wayne Barnes Show”
TV’S NEWEST START.
Sky Sport viewers were disappointed to miss out on this morning’s Rugby World Cup final, as the broadcast was replaced with the premiere of a brand new TV talk show, hosted by rugby referee Wayne Barnes.
“The Wayne Barnes Show” is late-night style talk show, where Barnes is hoping to compete for attention against Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, and the All Blacks.
The first guest on the show was highly popular actor Chris Pratt, known for the Guardians Of The Galaxy movies.
While the general format for talk shows is for the host to ask their guests questions and let them talk, early critics say that Barnes appears to put more focus on himself.
Vocal Critic Of Horoscopes Begins Robotically Performing Pre-Match Rituals Ahead Of World Cup Final
NERVES ARE BUILDING.
33-year-old All Blacks fan Brad Holland has always been a vocal critic of superstitions and horoscopes. However his convictions are now in doubt after he was seen fervently engaging in pre-match rituals ahead of the Rugby World Cup final.
According to flatmates, Holland reportedly “looked as if he was about to step onto the field himself.”
Holland had often ridiculed friends and family for placing any faith in astrology, and his social media profiles were filled with posts debunking horoscopes and other supernatural tales.
Heroic Outgoing Sport Minister Grudgingly Agrees To Attend Overseas Work Event
WORKING HARD TIL THE END.
Outgoing sport minister Grant Robertson just never stops putting in the hard yards for everyday kiwis, despite being in his final days in government.
As sport minister, Robertson is apparently required to attend the Rugby World Cup final in Paris, where the All Blacks will take on South Africa this weekend. His attendance is crucial for the taxpayer, who will be footing the bill.
After being voted out of government, and really just waiting for his job to officially end, you would think Robertson would get slack and start letting things slide, perhaps take a few half-days.
Electoral Commission Says From Now On “Special Votes” Will Be Known As “Annoyingly Slow Votes”
SNAIL MAIL.
The New Zealand Electoral Commission declared that from now on, the “Special Votes” will be officially known as “Annoyingly Slow Votes.” This announcement comes after years of complaints and confusion surrounding the time it takes to tally the “special votes” casted during the NZ election campaign.
To the casual observer the confusion is understandable. On this year’s election night it took mere hours to count more than 2.2 million votes, but the remaining 500,000 “special” votes for some reason are expected to take at least two weeks.
Woman Still Holding Out For A Repeat of SBW’s World Cup Jersey Rip Moment
HARD TO BEAT.
Sophie Wilkes clings to a dream that’s more unusual than most.
The 31-year-old’s peculiar fixation revolves around a singular event: the infamous jersey-ripping incident of Sonny Bill Williams (SBW) during the 2011 Rugby World Cup opening game between the All Blacks and Tonga.
Sophie, then 19, was present at Eden Park that day, and ever since, she’s been hoping to relive SBW’s exhilarating wardrobe malfunction, which showcased his upper torso to thousands at the ground and millions watching.
TAB To Remove Will Jordan Anytime Try Scorer Betting Option
RUNNING AT A LOSS.
New Zealand’s TAB has decided that try-scoring phenomenon Will Jordan can no longer be part of their rugby betting options.
Jordan scored not one but three tries in today’s All Blacks 44-6 Rugby World Cup semi-final win over Argentina, taking his test tally record to 31 in 30 test matches. Meaning that once again the TAB has had to pay out punters just for betting on the right winger to score a try, which is now seen as basically a guaranteed thing.
