TAB To Remove Will Jordan Anytime Try Scorer Betting Option
RUNNING AT A LOSS.
New Zealand’s TAB has decided that try-scoring phenomenon Will Jordan can no longer be part of their rugby betting options.
Jordan scored not one but three tries in today’s All Blacks 44-6 Rugby World Cup semi-final win over Argentina, taking his test tally record to 31 in 30 test matches. Meaning that once again the TAB has had to pay out punters just for betting on the right winger to score a try, which is now seen as basically a guaranteed thing.
EVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE: Warmth And Sunlight During Afternoon Stimulates Brain’s Biological Urge For A Beer
IT’S SCIENCE.
Local neurologist Jacko Callahan has proven what we all knew to be true – that a bit of sunshine in the afternoon is likely to make you want a beer.
This time however, there’s science to back up the theory.
Dr Callahan says that inside every human’s ‘reptile brain’ (also known as the amygdala) there are photoreceptors that are triggered by afternoon light.
“The angle and frequency of specifically afternoon light is something that makes our brains seek out a sense of fun and relaxation,” explained Dr Callahan as he quickly wiped away the beer he had spilled on his lab coat.
Christchurch Friend Group Analyses Newcomer’s High School Resume Before Extending Friendship
SOCIAL PASSPORT.
Brad Rayne, a 28-year-old from Rangiora, descended upon what he hoped would be a new friend group like a meteor from outer space.
Little did he know that he was about to be subjected to a peculiar initiation into the tight-knit Christchurch society, especially when it came to where he was educated as a teenager, albeit a decade ago.
Relocating from North Canterbury to the central city in pursuit of new work opportunities and a fresh start, he was introduced to new acquaintances at some drinks downtown.
FINDING THE TIME: Chippy Looking Forward To Getting Onto Long List Of DIY Projects
BACK ON THE TOOLS.
After a heavy election defeat on Saturday night, outgoing Prime Minister Chris “Chippy” Hipkins has dragged himself out of bed and is now looking on the bright side.
With the gruelling days of being prime minister behind him, Chippy has now turned his attention to the growing list of DIY jobs he’s been meaning to get onto.
“Yeah just gotta make another trip to Mitre 10 to get a couple more bags of cement, we fell a bit short,” he yelled out to the mysterious ‘Toni’ in a much blokier manner than he is used to speaking.
Wellington Public Servant Messages Co-Workers To See If They Have Work Tomorrow
DAY OF RECKONING.
A cloud of uncertainty hangs over Wellington’s public sector workers tonight.
It comes as the result of the election saw National and Act form what is likely to be NZ’s next Government based on the votes counted so far, but leaves many public servants in a state of uncertainty.
Act leader David Seymour has famously said that Act would cut the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment (MBIE) staff numbers in half if elected and cut down on the public servant workforce jobs across the board.
All Black Win Cures Mike Hosking’s Ferocious Post-Election Hangover
JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED.
Multi award-winning Newstalk ZB host Mike Hosking woke up with an absolute bone-chilling hangover, as his 7.55 alarm went off this morning.
After a dominant National Party performance last night, Hosking pushed the boat out even further than most would have predicted. The blue-coloured cocktails he provided for his election party guests were naturally going down deliciously, but this morning’s wake up had him questioning life and reality itself.
Orange Guy: “If You’re Thinking About Not Voting This Year Just Remember I Know Where You Live”
DEMOCRACY OR ELSE.
The demon spawned from the depths of hell known as “orange guy” has delivered a threat to all of those New Zealanders who are undecided about whether to vote this year.
The message was delivered via a note attached to a brick that was thrown through the front window of the Whakataki Times rural headquarters. It read “If you’re thinking about not voting this year, just remember I know where you live”.
Looking out the window, intern Caleb Walker caught a glimpse of the orange guy, standing menacingly in the middle of the road, motionless.
LEADERS’ DEBATE: Hipkins Still Won’t Confirm Or Deny The Existence Of Dragons
FEELING THE HEAT.
As the final leaders debate before the election gets underway, Prime Minister Chris Hipkins still appears to be avoiding the tough questions.
Journalist Guy Williams recently reported that National Leader Christopher Luxon does not actually believe that dinosaurs once walked the earth, a revelation that will surely rock this year’s election results.
While it is a controversial opinion, many have applauded Luxon for making his views on dinosaurs clear. But what about that other elusive reptilian species – dragons.
Wellington Public Servants Looking Forward To Last Week At Work Before David Seymour Sacks Them
NEW BEGINNINGS.
A group of millennial communications advisors at the Ministry of Business Innovation and Enterprise (MBIE) are eagerly awaiting a bright new future that’s just over the horizon.
The contingent of publicly funded wordsmiths are all hopeful of being made dramatically redundant by the expected new government – particularly if Act’s David Seymour is involved.
Seymour has famously said that Act would cut MBIE’s staff numbers in half if elected.
While many would consider this a threat, Jodie Goodwin, 31, is weirdly upbeat about the whole thing. “Well, a change is as good as a holiday right? And the redundancy pay will be begging to be spent on a holiday,” she said.
National Party Leader Stocks Up On Hellers Snags And Wakachangi Beer For Election BBQ
FUNNY THAT.
Christopher Luxon has made another bold decision as leader of the National Party, stocking up exclusively on Hellers sausages and Wakachangi beer ahead of his election day barbie.
Instead of opting for an assortment of gourmet dishes and fine wines, Luxon decided to go for something that resonates with everyday kiwi battlers.
“Gidday maaaate” Luxon greeted our reporters, stocking up his fridge for his election party on Saturday night, where he is hopeful of becoming Prime Minister.
