Man In Rush To Do Christmas Shopping Sidesteps Through Footpath Congestion Like A 1996 Cullen

man stepping people on lambton quay, with a 1996 christian cullen in foreground

GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture

THE PAEKAKARIKI EXPRESS

Dave Lonergan, a 34 year old builder from the Kapiti Coast, has once again left his Christmas shopping to the second to last week, and has thus had to navigate a torturous Lambton Quay in Wellington. 

Lonergan rarely ventures into the big smoke, with no real passion for consumerism, and had to use all the tricks in his locker just to get around town. 

“Couldn’t believe how many people were out on the street, swanning into shops, all walking slowly. I just wanted to get in there and get out as fast as possible.”

The former winger for OBU miraculously picked up on one of his wife’s hints, and was in search of a specific pair of earrings from a Lambton Quay jewellery shop. 

“I was just thinking about how much this is going to hurt my bank account, and that I may as well rip the band-aid off quickly”.

Lonergan was reportedly transported back to his playing days, utilising all his old evasive tactics.

“The first big step came off my right foot to get past an elderly couple coming out of Whitcoulls. Then the second was off the left to dodge a pack of teenage girls – the slowest of all walkers,” he described in detail. 

“The spirit of Cully possessed me at that moment. All I could see was Waratahs players trying to prevent me from achieving my goal. Not today.”

“When I got to the try-line the euphoria quickly evaporated, and I realised I was in fact standing in the jewellery shop and was about to be robbed in broad daylight,” he said, downcast. 

“There was nothing left to do but close my eyes and tap my credit card.”

More to come. 

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