Melancholy Millennial Spends Third Consecutive Day on Sofa

30 year old woman on the couch.



Local socialite Gemma Aspen has just clocked her 72nd hour of laying on the communal couch, raising concerns among flatmates that Seasonal Affective Disorder may be to blame. 

Flatmates, Emma-Jo Pond and Dean Crabb, contacted the Whakataki Times after coming across a large pile of cushions and plush throw blankets early yesterday evening. Initially thinking they had trapped a small sleepy bear, closer examination of the fluffy mound uncovered Aspen, still wearing the same mom jeans and Disney sweater from the day before.

“She was non-verbal and just staring blankly at her work laptop, which was displaying Microsoft screensavers from the ‘90s,”  Crabb described. “A haunting sight.”

The scene was especially startling for Pond, who knew Aspen to be an outgoing and well-known character on the Whakataki nightlife scene. 

“Most weeknights we’d log off early and go into town. I knew something must have been wrong when she didn’t hit me up the day before… it was pretty distressing to find out she’d been buried under soft furnishings the whole time.”

Crabb, a part-time Psychology student and full-time know-it-all, has indicated his ordinarily ostentatious flatmate is likely suffering a case of the winter blues: “Yeah, you know I guess people just get a bit gloomy when they have to wear ugly sweaters all day and can’t drink cocktails on a rooftop bar after work.”

When asked what to do to improve the condition, Dean offered little support, indicating he “slept through that class.” 

As investigations into the cause of Aspen’s gloominess continue, Pond has sought the help of an Amazon sun lamp and remains hopeful her drinking buddy will be back to normal soon. 

“I really just don’t want to go out by myself.”

More to come. 

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