GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
NOT WHO YOU’D EXPECT
25-year-old James* (who, for reasons of his own, only goes by “James”) works as an advisor in our nation’s parliament. James recently shared with friends that he’s spent the last two years accumulating top-secret intel on the MPs he works with.
“I know who’s a good c***, and I know who’s a raging arsehole,” he said confidently as he sipped his oat milk latte. “But with that said, some things are better left unsaid.”
It’s clear that James is the very definition of “in the know” when it comes to the real lives of our politicians. He’s seen behind the curtains, beyond the carefully curated smiles, and into the depths of MPs’ true selves. But will he spill the beans? Of course not.
“I could tell you, but then I’d have to… you know… not work here anymore,” he said, with a knowing glance as if he was dropping some massive, cryptic bombshell. “But I’ll say this. A lot of people seem quite different to the way they’re shown in the media.”
James assures us that his insider information isn’t just based on “petty gossip” or “rumours from the floor,” but rather on his unparalleled access to the everyday life of MPs.
“You’d be surprised at what happens when the cameras go off,” he says, his voice dripping with mystery.
Despite all of this, the lad remains a model of discretion. We asked if any MPs were particularly known for being rude or particularly nice, and he responded with a sigh, as if the weight of keeping these secrets was taking a toll on him.
“There are some MPs who seem nice,” he said, pausing dramatically. “And then there are others. But hey, I won’t name names. Not my style.”
Instead, James expertly deflects by offering subtle clues and veiled hints, like some kind of political Sherlock Holmes, so the rest of us can read between the lines. “Some people, you just know who they are,” he says with a wink, clearly expecting us to piece together the puzzle for ourselves. “But you know… I’m just here to advise and serve, not to spill all the tea.”
James isn’t the first person in the world to claim access to juicy political gossip, but few do it with such unshakable self-assurance. And it’s clear that he’s enjoying the absolute power of knowing something everyone else doesn’t — while doing absolutely nothing with that knowledge.
“Hey it’s not about naming names, mate,” he says with a knowing nod. “It’s about the power of knowing.”
More to come.
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