GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
New Zealanders are quietly begging for a return to the days when politicians were dull, grey figures who only read from notes and kept their arms stiffly by their sides.
Over the weekend Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Labour leader Chris Hipkins decided to humiliate the nation on stage at an Indian Independence Day event by attempting to dance on stage. It has prompted calls for a nationwide ban on politicians dancing in public.
The performance was meant to somehow impress Indian diplomats, but it of course did the exact opposite for the New Zealand public. It gave off strong “dad at a wedding” energy, and left viewers wondering why anyone thought this was a good idea. Some have even dubbed it a deliberate ‘humiliation ritual’.
“Well, yes it is humiliating,” said one Wellington office worker. “We already have a crappy reputation overseas. Now we’ve added Luxon and Hipkins bouncing around awkwardly like they’re at a family friend’s 21st.”
Critics say it doesn’t matter what party you’re from, dancing is never going to work for the New Zealand public. Whether you’re National, Labour, or the Greens, there’s no universe where politicians dancing in public makes anyone look good.
Older New Zealanders harked back to the times when Prime Ministers were beige men in beige suits, droning on about the balance of payments. “That was the golden age,” said political historian Gordon Lightfoot. “You could fall asleep listening to them, and nobody overseas even thought about New Zealand. And that’s the way we liked it.”
The bipartisan embarrassment has inspired calls for a law change. Parliament insiders say MPs are working on a draft bill that would ban politicians from dancing in public under any circumstances, with penalties ranging from fines to being forced to rewatch David Seymour’s stint on Dancing With The Stars.
At press time, Luxon and Hipkins were reportedly planning a follow-up performance for TikTok, in an attempt to create something that’s the exact opposite of relatable.
More to come.
