PLEASE DON’T!

A wave of fear is brewing across the country today.

It comes as New Zealanders, who are currently getting a well-deserved break from seeing Covid-riddled Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, worry that the PM will start her own TikTok account out of pure boredom. 

The Whakataki Times reporters hit the streets and caught up with some anxious citizens from the North and South Islands today.

“Oh god, can she please not? Iso TikTok’s were so 2020. Nobody wants to see the prime minister copy a boring dance to a catchy song. Plus, she’d make her videos way too long anyway,” vented Westport’s Lucy Whiting, 26.

Upper Hutt’s Mason Christensen expressed his views. 

“Wouldn’t surprise me. Remember when New Zealand was Covid-free the first time and she famously said ‘I did a little dance’. She probably meant she made a low-level video on her secret TikTok account then.  

TikTok grew in popularity during the initial lockdown two years ago, but with the PM’s isolation period stretching out until Saturday, there are concerns she may get bored of being out of the spotlight for a whole week.

Gore’s Andrew Johnston, 36, had a more fearful view of the future.

“It’s probably not her inevitable TikTok account that concerns me the most. I’m becoming disturbed by the theory that when she’s done being PM and you think she’s out of your life, she’ll pop up on the next series of Dancing With The Stars,” Christenen said while wide-eyed and sweating profusely.

The PM’s office did not respond to The Whakataki Times’ request for comment, which was left on “seen” via social media. 

More to come.

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The post PM’s Self Isolation Boredom Sparks Fears Of An Imminent TikTok Account appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COULD HAVE USED THE TIME OFF

Covid-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins is thinking about what could have been, after a recent RAT detected COVID-19 in his mucus sample. This comes a month and a half after the Charlotte-Bellis-Afghanistan-pregnancy-MIQ PR disaster, where he could have used a break from work.

Yesterday he tweeted a picture of his RAT, which had a barely visible line on the test side, saying “The faint line seems out of keeping with how I currently feel! Day 7 of isolation and now it’s my turn. So I’ll be clocking off for another 7 days. Take care out there everyone.”

Whakataki political editor Malcolm Felps points out that in late January this year, when the pregnant journalist Charlotte Bellis was stuck in Afghanistan due to the MIQ waiting list, Hipkins really could have used the time off.

“That was a shit of a time for Hipkins and I think he would have welcomed a spell of coronavirus just to let someone else deal with the Bellis drama”, said Felps.

“Imagine trying to defend a hotch-potch system where pregnant women can’t get out of a Taliban dictatorship unless they are able to gain media attention.

“And then even when you try to explain your side of the story you end up revealing private health information and opening the government up to a potential bloody court battle. I’d take a sore throat and a week off work any day!” said the political commentator and epidemiology hobbyist. 

When asked about the faintness of Hipkins’ positive test result on his RAT, Felps was suspicious of his testing technique. “Look, that faint line just stinks of someone who’s done a half-hearted nasal swab. If you want a definite positive result on a RAT, you gotta go in real deep up the nostril. A proper brain-tickler”, he graphically described. 

Hipkins was not available for comment, presumably because he was making the most of his time spent luxuriating in his deliciously infectious disease. 

More to come.

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The post Hipkins Wishing His Positive RAT Could Have Come During Charlotte Bellis Fiasco appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FINALLY SOME FREEDOM!

With the 23 day protest coming to an end on Parliament grounds this afternoon, the Whakataki Times sought comment from New Zealanders on the breaking news.

“Thank fuck!” – Brianna Wilson.

“Glad that shit-show’s over” – Adrian Taylor.

“About fucking time. Nice to actually be free in my own city!” – Miranda Lewis.

“They chant peace and love while they throw projectiles at police. Bunch of dropkicks. Good fucking riddance.”  Brad Hopkinson.

More to come.

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The post “Good Fucking Riddance” Says Nation appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DUAL-PURPOSE FACE MASKS

After surveying 200 masked pedestrians on Molesworth Street on Monday, the Whakataki Times can report that 70% of respondents said their primary reason for their face covering was to stop the smell of human excrement at the anti-mandate drum and bass music festival.

Of that 70%, the second most important reason for mask-wearing was to slow the spread of Covid-19.

Thorndon resident Jacob Oldman said that he always wears his mask when entering shops or enclosed spaces, but admits that he usually takes it off when walking outside. “That’s apart from when I’m walking past parliament of course…

“I mean, there’s definitely a whoooole lot of covid in there. But I’m triple vaxxed, we’re in the open air, so to be honest the real reason I wear a mask is to block out the hideous stench”, said the 49 year old business analyst and amateur pet taxidermist. 

“How do they live like that? In a really warped way it’s kind of impressive that they can tolerate such a low standard of living.

“Makes you wonder what home must be like!”, said the comfortably well-off central Wellington home-owner. 

Part-time barista, Aro Valley resident and visible Greens voter Phoenix Granville had a different take on the situation. “It’s really interesting and inspiring to see the communal spirit come together with such limited resource, to reject the evil of capitalism, and expose it as the patriarchal tyranny that it is”, he said as he stared at his brand new iPhone 13. 

“I just wish they didn’t have to poo and wee everywhere”.  

More to come.

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The post Mask-Wearers Passing By Parliament Mainly Trying To Block Out The Smell Of Poos And Wees appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BLACK OR GOLD?

Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning.

“Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time in her life.

The viral dress dominated world headlines in 2015 after viewers had heated debates about whether it was coloured black and blue or white and gold. 

It was a nice change for Emerson’s social media feed, which has been completely flooded with news and controversy around MIQ, protests in Wellington about the Government’s vaccine mandates and the current Russian invasion of Ukraine.

“Gee, times have changed. My family used to be at each other’s throats about our differences on the colour of some viral dress on the internet, now we are mostly at a war of words about whether wearing a mask and getting the jab is in breach of our human rights,” Emerson whimpered to the Whakataki Times reporters.

As she scrolled through the comments on her old Facebook post, Emerson explained how she would welcome back the old kind of division in society in a heartbeat. 

“I’d give anything to just be arguing with my Mum and sister about how they could be so bloody blind to the fact that this dress is clearly black and blue and not white and gold. The last few weeks I’ve been having quarrels with them about whether the protesters outside Parliament should just go home or not. Bring back some arguments about the bloody dress colour!” Emerson said, looking like she was about to engage in another dress debate.

Emerson then decided to take the news cycle back into her own hands by replying to her sister Rosie’s 2015 comment saying the dress was white and gold, with the comment ‘#blackandblue’.

More to come

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The post Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole. 

This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle. 

Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big hole so efficiently before, and is keen to get Hipkins on the tools as soon as possible. “The guy’s a machine! He’s dug a massive hole just by talking! Imagine what he could do with an excavator!” exclaimed Sullivan.

“To be honest a spade might be all he needs. I’ve got a backlog of jobs to get done and I need an extra pair of hands. The ground’s pretty hard over summer but I don’t think it’d worry this kid, he’s that good!” 

Not only did Hipkins manage to insult pregnant, kiwi, stranded-in-Afghanistan, journo Charlotte Bellis by suggesting she hadn’t taken her MIQ application seriously, he’s also allegedly breached her privacy by publicly revealing details of her consular assistance without her permission.  

Bellis is now considering legal action against the government. 

“Gee what an out-and-out expert hole-digger” sighed Sullivan longingly.

The local landscaper is sure that Hipkins must be looking for work and is confident he can lock him in by the end of the month. “Surely he’s not going to be sticking with the covid stuff for much longer because he clearly just loves digging holes too much. And there’s nothing wrong with that!” he said reassuringly.  

“Come and work for me Chris, I’ll look after ya!” 

More to come. 

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The post Local Landscaper Keen To Lock In Hole-Digging Expert appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

Whakataki local Steve Morgan has confirmed his place in his boss’s bad books today after being late to work for the second time in as many weeks. 

The 26-year-old scaffolder told the Whakataki Times that during his morning routine he forgot his face mask, an additional item that has been tacked onto the traditional house-leaving combo of wallet, keys and phone.

“Ohh my bloody face mask! Again!”, he cursed himself as he stopped dead in his tracks. Fully aware of the suffocating expectation that everyone wear face coverings on public transport, Morgan accepted his fate, turned and trudged back to his dreary flat.

“My walk to the train station is seven minutes, okay, there’s no room for error. If I forget something vital then it’s all over”, Morgan explained. 

He was three minutes into his walk when he was struck by the day-ruining realisation that the fourth item, a very cheap plain black face mask, was still sitting on the bench at home. 

“How the hell is anyone meant to consistently remember four things in the morning? Three should be the maximum – wallet, phone, keys. Four is too much.”

“All because of bloody covid!”

Morgan, now on a verbal warning from his employer Whakataki Construction, has been asked to take the humiliating next step of putting a plan in writing of how he will ensure he’s on time for work in the future. 

“I guess I’ll write a checklist or something? Problem is once you’re in that morning zombie-like state, the best plans in the world go straight out the window.

“And in case you’re wondering, prepping for work the night before is completely out of the question”.

More to come.  

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The post Remembering Face Mask A Step Too Far On Top Of Wallet, Keys and Phone appeared first on The Whakataki Times.