EVERY YEAR

34-year-old Dave Hamlin, veteran grade cricketer and part-time keeper of excuses, has yet again failed to pay his $160 club fees for his third division cricket season.

The season, now winding down with only a few rounds remaining, has seen Hamlin turn up dutifully for practice, matches, and post-game beers, but apparently bank account unable to transfer his season’s subs.

Despite the looming deadline, Hamlin is calm. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll sort it tonight,” he said after training last week, as he handed over $20 for the pokies while sipping a freshly poured pint.

Teammates say this pattern is nothing new. “Honestly, we just assume Dave’s going to be last to pay every year,” said club captain Mark Reid. “It’s like clockwork. The only thing predictable about him is that his subs won’t be paid until the very last possible second.”

Another teammate, Simon Patel, added: “ He always says ‘tonight’… and somehow it turns into tomorrow, or the next week, or sometimes next season. I’m sick of telling him to hurry up and do it.”

Club treasurer Nigel Thompson said he’s come to terms with Dave’s late payment  style. “We’ve learned to budget around the fact that Dave likely will be the last to pay his subs. Each time we pull out the final warning about how he won’t play until he pays, then he seems to come through.”

As the season edges closer to its finale, Hamlin remains confident but also coy. “I’ve got it covered,” he said with a grin. “Just give me one more week… maybe two.

More to come.

The post Local Teammate Who Still Hasn’t Paid His Subs Will “Sort It Tonight” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOT STEPPER

Christchurch’s mixed Division 3 touch scene has a new star, at least in his own mind. Kade Clarke, 29, describes his side steps as “Shaun Johnson-level footwork,” though spectators might politely call it “mostly sideways running.”

Clarke, a once promising rugby player whose professional career never quite got off the ground, says he’s making up for lost glory on the touch field.

“I figured if I can’t make it in the big leagues, why not bring a bit of flair to social touch?” he said after a recent game, wearing his cap backwards as per usual.

Teammates were less impressed. “Kade’s got confidence, I’ll give him that,” said fellow Division 3 player Jess McAllister. “He’s stepping like Shaun Johnson in his head anyway. Most of the time he’s just running sideways, but at least he looks good doing it.”

Clarke’s other teammate, Mark Ropati, added: “He’s committed. He’s not scoring much, but he’s putting in the effort, albeit if it looks like he’s going to break his own ankle while doing it.

Despite the sideways sprints, Kade remains undeterred. “I’m just out here having fun, it’s social after all right? Who cares about go forward ball. What this league really needs is more flair and creativity”.

More to come.

The post Local Touch Bro With Cap Back To Front Naturally Believes He’s Shaun Johnson appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CLEAR PRIORITIES

Christchurch resident Matt Smyth, 35, has once again clarified to friends, family, and a handful of romantic prospects that he is “just not in a place for commitment right now.”

Despite working long hours in finance, Smyth somehow transforms from weary office worker to hyper-available social athlete the moment the clock hits 5:01pm. While most people head home to decompress, Matt is usually speeding across the city in sport-appropriate attire for whichever league needs him.

What started as the odd game of indoor netball a few years ago, has spiralled into a weekly schedule that resembles someone training like a professional athlete. Monday is mixed netball, Tuesday is men’s netball, Wednesday is touch rugby and Thursday is “whoever needs a fill in” and Friday is meant to be a relaxation night, although he is often “on standby” to drop everything to play a random game.

Friends say Matt’s motivation is partly fuelled by an unfulfilled dream.

“His rugby career didn’t quite take off,” says one mate, “so now he plays all forms of sport socially, but with the intensity of a man still hoping he’ll make it professionally.”

When asked why he struggles to maintain meaningful relationships, Matt offered what he believed was an airtight explanation:

“When would I have time to sit at home choosing something on Netflix with a partner when I regularly play back-to-back random fill-in netball games in Hornby? 

“I’m time poor. How could I take my girlfriend out for dinner when I need to be at Lancaster Park for social touch rugby, or when someone may need me to play centre or wing defence for their social team?”

While his dating life remains a revolving door, Matt insists his priorities are simply different.

“Relationships come and go. But the 7:40pm mixed grade semifinal waits for no one.”

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Not Ready For Relationship Commitment But Will Commit to Every Bit of Social Sport Available appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LIKE FINE WINE

Matt Stewart, 34, of Christchurch was starting to feel a lot older than he actually was today.

Stewart, who had played club rugby himself until his mid 20s when injury struck, was in awe upon reading the news that All Blacks great Ma’a Nonu was not only still playing rugby, but playing at the highest level in the French Top 14.

“Gee, I can barely get out of bed in the morning without a random ache or niggle, and this guy is out there running 80 minutes, smashing defenders, and scoring tries in his 40s!” 

Nonu finished with the All Blacks after their 2015 Rugby World Cup win, but has continued to play and dominate like he’s still in his 20s, even scoring a try overnight to become the oldest player to ever score in the competition’s history. 

“I keep thinking, ‘2015, that’s when he retired from rugby, right?’ And now he’s still smashing it in France? They talk about LeBron James’ longevity in the NBA, but Nonu’s been battering himself against the best players in a physical game against men since 2002!” said Stewart, touching his back which had started to spasm for no reason.

“Honestly, I’m getting sore again from just watching him. How the hell is still this good at 43!?’

More to come.

The post Bloke In His 30s Who’s Feeling Old Callously Reminded Ma’a Nonu Is Playing Top Level Rugby At 43 appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CHRISTMAS CLASSIC

Matt Simmonds, a 35-year-old from Nelson has once again found himself delighting in the familiar embrace of a Rebel Sport voucher, courtesy of his well-meaning parents.

“Every year, without fail, I get this Rebel Sport voucher from Mum and Dad. It’s like clockwork. It’s a $50 one this year too, most of my twenties it was just in that $30 range” Matt chuckled, his eyes twinkling with the mirth of a man who knows the annual Rebel Sport voucher routine all too well.

Despite the fact that most of his peers were unwrapping vouchers for home improvement havens like Mitre 10 or Bunnings, symbolic of grown-up responsibilities and homeownership, Matt remained resolutely in the rental realm.

“Yeah, I’m still renting at the moment. But hey, at least I’ve got top-notch sports gear,” he quipped, holding the Rebel Sport voucher like a badge of honour.

As the wrapping paper fluttered around him on Christmas morning, Matt envisioned the possibilities that lay within the familiar red and white envelope. A new pair of running shoes, perhaps, or some cutting-edge training gear that would make even the most seasoned athletes nod in approval. Never mind the fact that his main sport is social indoor netball.

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? Head over to the support page and become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post 35 Year-Old Still Very Pleased To Receive Rebel Sport Voucher For Christmas appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SAYS IT’LL BE FUN

Ben Macaskill appears to be significantly more enthusiastic about forming a social sports team than carrying out the duties of his current job. 

The 31 year-old who works as an auditor at an accounting firm in Christchurch floated the idea to a colleague in the work kitchen on his lunch break.

“I’ve been thinking about entering a work team in a social netball league. What do you think Tracey? If we get me, you, Katie and Dave. Getting close to a team. Anyone else in the office you know play? Probably need more females.”

Macaskill, who has taken sport quite seriously in his life, is keen to give his colleagues a first hand look at how much of an athlete he is, in addition to telling them how good he is or was during general office chat.

“Yeah I mean sure, but we’ll need a few more though Ben. I don’t think Rosie will be keen, she’s never played sport,” said his colleague Tracey.

“Don’t worry about it. She’ll be fine. She can just play wing-D and we can always get some fill-ins. I’ll enter a team for us today,” Macaskill concluded, still to confirm the makeup of his mixed social team, which will definitely need at least four girls and three guys from their office of 15 people, who are predominantly snowed under with their actual work.

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? Head over to the support page and become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Office Jock Overly Keen To Enter A Work Indoor Netball Team appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CALM DOWN MATE

Morgan Hughes eagerly looks forward to his social indoor netball games at Christchurch’s Action Indoor Sports.

However the 33 year-old, who has never played any form of representative sport in his life, nor turned out for any top level club teams, definitely takes things seriously in games where he really shouldn’t.

During a mixed Division 4 game of indoor netball, when he had the whistle blown at him for stepping, Hughes immediately turned to the umpire who was about 16 years old to express his disdain .

“Oh what? That’s ridiculous ref! You’re ruining the game!” Hughes bellowed in visible frustration, failing to understand once again you cannot step with the ball in the game of netball.

“Just watch your feet Wing D, and that’s a caution. It’s just social netball, it’s all about having fun. If there’s more back chat you’ll be off next,” replied the adolescent umpire.

One of the opposing players then chimed in and began to grab the ball away from Hughes.

“Calm down mate, it’s just social. Gimme the ball.”

With Hughes’ blood pressure rising, he continued to berate the umpire while his own teammates told him to let it go, in what was a very non-competitive sports match.

“Come on! I didn’t even move! You’ve ruined the game ref!”

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? Head over to the support page and become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Angry Social Netballer Fails To Realise He Is Not A Professional Athlete appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOW GOOD??

Jamie Nelson got a very pleasant surprise late on Saturday afternoon after coming along to watch his friend Regan’s rugby match for the first time. 

While Nelson was unimpressed with the skill level of both teams, and dismayed by the 9-6 final score, the low price of beer at the clubrooms afterwards put him in a very good mood. 

“Eight dollars for a beer in the Wellington region? How good?? And it’s decent beer too, Panhead!” he reported excitedly. 

“You’d be lucky if you could get a Supercharger for under 12 bucks in town. This is so good. I’m going to come to way more of these games I think”.

Mr Nelson seemed almost angry at himself for being oblivious to the well known fact that sports clubs are able to offer very affordable drink prices. “How did I not know about this? I’m going to make this a regular thing now I think. Definitely makes up for how shit the game was,” he laughed. 

As Regan came over, looking battered and bruised, Nelson was full of praise. “Regz you played real good! You’d be my man of the match I reckon. When’s your next home game, I’d be keen to come along again. Man you were good! 

“You want another beer?” 

More to come.

Want to support the Whakataki Times? Head over to the support page and make a contribution. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post Friend Of Social Rugby Player Simply Delighted By Clubroom Beer Prices appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MOVE OVER MESSI

Jono Watson had always wanted to make it big in sport.

But the reality is that the 29 year-old never made it anywhere near a top level side in any sport he’s tried playing.

However despite not racking up many achievements in either rugby or cricket during his younger days, Watson is still living off one minor accomplishment – a Division 4 indoor football medal from 2010.

Our reporters met Watson in his bedroom, where he had his medal displayed.

“Ah gee, those were the days. A season to remember that one,” Watson said looking up at his one and only sports medal.

“We probably would have gone alright in Division 1 that year too,” said Watson, ignorant to the reality that they likely would have struggled in division 3.

Damian McMahon, a close friend of Watson gave his reaction to the fact that Jono, a grown man, still hangs up a medal that he won at social indoor sport more than a decade ago.

“Gee, does he still have that on display in his room? I mean, I know it’s a medal and all, but we all got them. He was hopeless for us anyway. I have no idea where my one would be now.”

When our reporters quizzed Watson on whether he had achieved anything else on the sporting pitch, he dug up a McDonald’s Player Of The Day award from 2007. An award which almost everyone gets at some point during the season.

More to come.

Want to keep up with more of the news that’s important? Instagram works well for that! Check out the Whakataki Times on Insta.

The post Local Bloke Proudly Displays Div 4 Indoor Sport Medal Like He’s Some Sort Of Elite Athlete appeared first on The Whakataki Times.