GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture
KIWI CLASSIC
A Wellington man has stunned absolutely no one this weekend by stepping out in black jeans, a black t-shirt, and a black hoodie.
Friends of 29-year-old Dan Hargreaves described the outfit as “classic Kiwi invisibility gear,” and said it perfectly captured the nation’s longstanding commitment to never, ever stand out.
“It’s safe. It’s practical. It’s black,” said mate Jason, who was coincidentally wearing the exact same thing. “There’s nothing else to say really. It’s the New Zealand way.”
Observers noted that the look was completed with black sneakers, which Hargreaves confirmed were bought on sale at Rebel Sport. “I was thinking about buying a navy hoodie once, but I didn’t in the end,” he said, brushing crumbs off his all-black ensemble.
Fashion experts say the Kiwi devotion to black is not really about fashion at all. It is about avoiding the worst crime imaginable in New Zealand: being seen as someone who’s trying to do something different or potentially better. “The tall poppy infection runs deep in this country,” said local style commentator Emma Richards. “Wearing all black is the safest way to signal that you’re not trying too hard, and that you’re just quietly existing.”
Hargreaves admitted he did briefly consider adding a patterned cap to spice things up, but quickly decided against it. “Ha, imagine wearing a whacky cap like that. People would probably think I was trying to do something, haha.”
His girlfriend said she only remembers how much black he owns when she’s doing the laundry. “It’s impossible to separate darks and lights when there are no lights. It’s just one massive pile of black cotton and polyester,” she said in a curious state of disappointment.
Hargreaves meanwhile says he has no plans to refresh his wardrobe any time soon. “This combo has got me through life just fine so far. Why change?”
More to come.
