Wet, Whiny Wellingtonian Whines About Being Called Wet And Whiny

dripping wet man in cafe



Will Warburton, a student based in central Wellington, has taken issue with a statement that National leader Chris Luxon was recorded saying to some farmers in Helensville recently. 

Luxon claimed that New Zealand had become a “very negative, wet, whiny, inward-looking country” that had “lost the plot” and needed to get it’s “mojo back”. 

Warburton, who had just been soaked in a typical diagonal Wellington downpour, walked in to his favourite Cuba Street coffee shop with nothing positive to say. 

“Aw man I’m all wet! Why does this always happen to me? Urrrgh!

“What? What’d he say? Wet, whiny and negative? I’m not wet, whiny and negative!” said the 20 year old who had for some reason decided to take a generalised statement as a personal attack. 

“Urgh don’t even think I can afford a coffee, just paid rent this week! Urgh this city is so expensive!” he whined, while visibly dripping water on the floor. 

Luxon was in Helensville to announce National’s plan to exclude agriculture from the Emissions Trading Scheme, and to basically leave farmers alone until 2030. 

On Luxon’s comments about the country becoming wet and whiny, Prime Minister Chippy Hipkins’ response was “Christopher Luxon said that?

“I guess it makes a change that he’s running New Zealand down in New Zealand as opposed to running the country down when he’s overseas,” said Prime Minister Chippy, who would much sooner say that everything is fine and dandy here in New Zealand. 

Warburton meanwhile had amassed a sizable puddle of water underneath him, as he complained that the girl he was meant to be meeting for coffee had understandably cancelled on him. 

More to come. 

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