GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture
ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY
A 20-year-old Hokitika farm worker has today confirmed that he has never been to Auckland, has no plans to go to Auckland, and is absolutely convinced he would hate Auckland.
Speaking from the milking shed at 5.45am, Jonty Fraser explained that not only does he have everything he needs on the West Coast, but that the entire North Island is “basically pointless anyway”.
“I’ve never been up there, no,” he said, rinsing down the concrete. “But I already know what it’s like. Packed. Loud. Everyone’s in a rush. No thanks.”
Jonty, who has made it as far as Nelson once and “didn’t rate it”, says the South Island offers everything a person could ever need.
“What do you get in Auckland that we don’t have here? Traffic? Expensive beers? People wearing buttoned shirts?” he asked, genuinely confused as to why anyone would leave a region with both grass and mountains visible at all times.
“And you’ve got that bridge up there too. Always seems to be some issue with it. Not sure what exactly but I don’t need bridge-based stress in my life.”
According to Jonty, his circle of mates also see no reason to travel north of Kaikōura.
“We had a yarn about it last week actually,” he said. “None of us could think of a single reason to go to Auckland. Not one. Someone said ‘Sky Tower’, but then we all remembered you can watch a video of it on YouTube.”
While Auckland remains completely hypothetical to him, the young farmhand is confident in his assessment.
“Reckon I’d last maybe ten minutes there before getting fed up with it,” he said. “Imagine paying twenty bucks for a burger. Couldn’t pay me.”
Asked if he felt even slightly curious about exploring the rest of the country, Jonty shook his head.
“Nah. I’ve got the beach, the bush, the farm, and Mum’s roast on Sundays. What else do you need? North Islanders can keep their chaos.”
He then hopped back on his quad bike, satisfied that he had once again successfully avoided the North Island.
More to come.
