GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
MEETING THE PUNTERS
The entity known as “mega Chris” (or “CHRIS” in all caps because he’s massive) kicked off its election campaign this week, starting in Palmerston North.
CHRIS reportedly entered this world after the unholy union of prime minister Chris Luxon and Labour leader Chris Hipkins. Through the ancient and mystical “fusion dance”, the two fused bodies and souls to become the unstoppable force that many have called “an abomination”.
The first of mega Chris’s in-person events was sparsely attended, with only a few people brave enough to venture to the Awapuni Community Centre to see the frightening humpy-dumpty-like creature. CHRIS did not put this down to the obvious unpopularity of the potential grand coalition of National and Labour.
“Puny New Zealanders not know anything. Bad people, tiny brains. Need digital ID,” said mega Chris, making reference to Natbour’s social media ban for under 16s that will work once everyone’s internet use can be closely monitored.
“New Zealand people whiny stupid losers. Bad people. Indians much better.”
As its ideas failed to connect with the people, tensions flared when two attendees dared to ask a question and had their arms pulled out. Dave Jamieson, 65, said that future in-person events would benefit from tighter security.
“Usually when people talk about beefing up security, they mean for the politicians themselves. I actually think more people would come and hear what this freak has to say if they could be protected from being physically assaulted and maimed.
“Potentially armed security, although would bullets even work on it?” he queried in real time.
You can find the full list of dates and locations for CHRIS’s violent election campaign on Natbour’s website.
More to come.
