GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
EXIT STRATEGY
New information has emerged from the secret National caucus meeting earlier this week, adding a new layer of context to the sacking of Defence Minister Chris Penk.
Several secret sources have told the Whakataki Times that the Prime Minister had briefly considered sacking himself as an easy way out, hoping that the no-confidence vote he cast for himself would be successful.
Unfortunately for Luxon, not enough MPs in his caucus believed that they could do any better than he was, and so he has been forced to carry on in the role that he’s clearly shit at.
Least fortunate of all was Chris Penk, who was chosen to be sacrificed for apparently “doing the numbers” for someone or something. This was despite him clearly not being the only one trying to get rid of Luxon.
“If anything Luxon was doing the numbers to try and get rid of himself so he can go back to drinking chardonnay and watching the robot mow his lawns for him,” said one insider who was already on the piss at the Parliament bar this afternoon.
“God this is going to be a shit election.”
Another source said Luxon appeared “genuinely disappointed” when it became clear there wasn’t enough support for getting rid of him.
“He sort of looked around the room and said, ‘Are you guys sure?’” the source said. “Then when nobody put their hand up he sighed, opened his laptop and started talking about ‘getting back on track going forward’. It was grim.”
Penk is understood to have taken the news reasonably well, appearing somewhat relieved to get away from his embarrassing party members. Luxon meanwhile will carry on being Prime Minister on Monday, having tried and failed to escape his current hellish reality.
More to come.
