“All I Want For Christmas Is To Be Left TF Alone”

woman alone in flat



Jodi Cullum, a 30-year-old middle manager notorious for her resting bitch face, is hoping to avoid family Christmas celebrations and instead enjoy some time alone.

Cullum has spent the last 12 months battling through employee disputes, policy changes and personal grievances at work, and her personal life has been plagued by Bumble bungles and Tinder terrors. All in all, 2023 has been a year in which she felt everything other than thriving.

As we approach the holiday season, Cullum says the only thing that could make her year worse would be to spend time with her parents. But what is she seeking instead of some holiday cheer? “A box of wine and some peace and bloody quiet.”

Uninterested in slathering sheets of dry turkey with yet another dollop of cranberry sauce, and stuffing herself with stale mince pies, Cullum is craving a few days of self-reflection in which she can get drunk on her own and watch Love Island without judgement.

A survey of the Whakataki office found Cullum’s sentiment was shared by many millennial staffers. Sick and tired of showing cursory interest in the lives of other human beings, utilising common courtesy, and generally having to smile at people, all agreed the best companion this holiday season is their Netflix profile.

But Cullum contends it’s not just a generational thing. 

“No one wants to see their mum ‘climbing on Santa’s lap’ after a couple of drinks. But British people throwing opaque wine glasses at each other? That’s the true spirit of Christmas.” 

More to come. 

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