GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
HAUNTED HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
The Greens released their tax plan last week, and to no one’s surprise, it largely involved taking more money from evil corporations and rich guys.
But paranormal activity expert Ryan McGowan believes there is something supernatural going on that no one’s talking about.
“The ghost of Golriz is haunting these halls,” he said, wide-eyed as he tested Chloe Swarbrick’s office for strange electromagnetic activity. “I can feel it.”
Golriz Gahraman famously resigned as a Greens MP after being caught taking things that don’t belong to her from various Auckland retail outlets. And while Gahraman is not actually dead, McGowan believes Gahraman’s spirit is haunting the Greens’ tax policy.
“When I used the spectrometer on an actual printed out copy of “A tax system – For all of us”, the readings were off the charts. That thing is haunted by someone, or some thing, hell bent on taking things that don’t belong to them.”
Traditionally tax has been something that happens anytime actual money exchanges hands, however in the true spirit of Golriz Gahraman, this is not enough for the Greens.
While tax is confusing at the best of times, the Whakataki Times economic expert Laurie Lightfoot, no relation to Gordon, attempted to make sense of the Greens plan.
“Basically if you’re a rich guy and you own stuff that’s valuable, you’ll need to pay the government a proportion of that in cash, every year, even if you don’t have actual cash because you haven’t sold anything,” said Lightfoot, adjusting his glasses as he read the green-embellished PDF off his laptop.
“It would almost be easier to have a policy that simply says ‘you’ll be fine as long as you just keep giving us more money’. That would be more to the point.”
Lightfoot says he doesn’t believe in ghosts and says this is all just good old fashioned socialism.
“Honestly, your headline should have been ‘Local Woman Who’s Always Been Paid With Taxes Thinks There Should Be More Taxes’”.
More to come.
