Wannabe Influencer Struggling With The Fact That He’s Not A Hot Girl With A Good iPhone
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Ben Aplin, 26, is grappling with the fact that he will fail to make any ground on his new Instagram account, as he is simply not a hot girl with a decent iPhone. The graphic designer from Wellington explained his frustration about the stagnant state of his social media status to […]
Very Single Woman Vanishes From All Social Media On Valentines Day
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture USER NOT FOUND! Chloe Mckenzie, 25 (single) has abruptly disappeared from all platforms of social media, coincidently coming on the annual day of love, Valentines Day. The Whakataki Times, who had to track Mckenzie down in person, questioned why the accounts payable clerk from New Plymouth decided to pull off a […]
Very Eligible Boyfriend Dumped by Influencer Due to Poor Photography Talent
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST A COUPLE MORE!! Kaide Davis, 23, has been abruptly dumped by his girlfriend Maddy Andrews, 21, after he took 236 photos of her at Coromandel’s Cathedral Cove, but failed to produce a single image deemed good enough to gain traction on her Instagram profile. This was despite him being highly […]
Local Genius Fires Off “Can’t Beat Wellington On A Good Day” Social Media Post
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National “Ha geez, better check how many likes it has now.” Even the galeforce winds would struggle to wipe the smile off Angus Williams’ face this morning. The 28 year-old inner-city public servant had only minutes ago posted a photo of Oriental Parade captioned ‘Can’t beat Wellington on a good day’ on […]
Woman Disappointed With Green Pals Purchase As Out-Of-Stock Purple Cans Look Better On Instagram
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local NEW YEAR’S EVE DISASTER! Alice Robertson, 22, had her New Year’s Eve plans completley derailed this afternoon. “Are you fucking serious? I’m so done!” she barked at an empty shelf in the chiller at Turner’s Liquor Store. Roberston’s severe depressive episode began after confirmation that the Peach Passion Fruit and Soda […]
Newly Engaged Couple Happy With The Subtlety Level Achieved Through Ring Placement In Social Media Announcement
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Newly engaged Auckland pair, Nicole Gillies and Hamish Wright have achieved what many thought was impossible. Their engagement announcement photo (uploaded to social media over the weekend) featured Nicole’s engagement ring positioned so precisely in the frame, that their message to friends and family was neither too understated, nor too in-your-face […]
Cross-fit Gym Cancels Bloke’s Membership After His Repeated Failure To Post Workout Pics On Instagram
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Editor Whakataki fitness enthusiast Jayden Connolly, 29, has been unceremoniously dumped by his crossfit gym, Fit Freak Elite, for essentially not fitting the profile of the average crossfitter. According to an email from Fit Freak Elite, Connolly had failed to meet the expectation that he give the gym free social media exposure […]
Rangitoto Island Mentally Prepares Himself For Another Summer Of Tedious Mission Bay Instagram Stories
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture Rangitoto Island has had another dose of déjà vu today. It came about after 20 year-old Ruby Walters tagged him in her hastily uploaded photo to Instagram. ‘Ughhh” he sighed while talking to the Whakataki Times reporters. “Ruby Walters? Who the hell is that? Oh geez, not that caption”, as he […]
