WHAT A SHAME

Senior Business Analyst Tim Carson has done well to hide his disappointment in recent weeks. The consultant advising the government and billing at $150 an hour was clearly mortified that all the work he has put into the RNZ / TVNZ merger has been for nothing. 

The merger was one of many Labour ideas that PM Chippy Hipkins tossed on what legacy media has called the “policy bonfire”. 

Carson explained how upset he was while perusing a boat on Wellington Harbour that he was thinking about purchasing. “Oh look, it’s terrible news isn’t it? Merging TVNZ and RNZ was a really meaningful piece of work that gave me such a deep sense of purpose each day,” he grinned broadly, obviously trying to conceal his anguish. 

“What am I going to do now that I don’t have that really meaningful, purposeful project to get me going in the morning?”

While the Seatoun local put on a brave face, he acknowledged that perhaps not all is lost during this personally difficult time. “I’m sure I will bounce back somehow. Plenty of time for self reflection, and I think three weeks away with the family in Hawaii will help.

“It’ll just be so hard to forget about all that wasted work I put into that really important proje-” he started before breaking into a fit of laughter, presumably hysterical.  

Mr Carson hopes he will find a way to enjoy his time off while in Hawaii. He has reportedly had to turn off the notifications on his LinkedIn page because of all the direct messages from recruitment agencies trying to fill new government contracts. 

“I’m just not sure if there’ll be another chance to work on something as important as this merger that’s been shelved. Such a shame”. 

More to come.

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HOW MANY FORKS YOU KNOW?

In a stunning revelation kiwi rapper Scribe has said that his hit song “Not Many” is actually about the constant mysterious disappearance of forks in workplace break rooms.

The lyric “Not many, if any”, was originally Christchurch rapper’s response to a workmate asking how many forks they had left in the kitchen. From there, a kiwi classic was born. 

It appears this is a common New Zealand phenomenon, as entire sets of forks in workplaces across the country have been disappearing without a trace, leaving employees to struggle eating their lunch with tea spoons and butter knives.

Wellingtonian Olivia Evans, 26, an employee of the Ministry for Primary Industries, spoke of how the lyrics resonated with her, and how it all made sense as she is often left to use a spoon or ‘spork’ to eat her lunch with.

“Makes sense. To be honest I haven’t given much thought to Scribe in the last twenty years, but have always wondered where all the forks went.”

Scribe declined an interview but did provide a short statement to also reiterate that the correct lyric is “if any”, not “Aunt Fenny”.

More to come. 

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The post REVEALED: Scribe’s “Not Many” Inspired By Forks Going Missing In The Break Room appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BAFFLING STUFF

Jeffrey Richards, 16, almost took home a valuable lesson from his economics class at King’s College today.

Richards, who attends the prestigious college at around $28,000 a year, was completely taken aback when his teacher explained how once they finish at King’s they would have to get a job to pay for their living expenses by themselves.

“What do you mean by ‘living expenses’?” Richards asked his year 12 economics teacher Galvin Marshall.

“It’s the cost of living. When you get a job, you earn money that will be used to pay for things like rent, food and other basic necessities,” Mr Marshall explained calmly as the boy leaned in, fully engaged with this new concept. 

“Huh, that’s so interesting. But how can there be a “cost” of living though?” he asked, ignorant of the fact that there are generally costs associated with living and just about anything.

“It’s the amount of money needed to maintain a certain standard of living. When you are in the real world you will likely have to budget to make ends meet. Everything has a price and everyone needs to pay for the things that they need to survive,” he said, disheartened to see the boy’s eyes begin to glaze over.

Mr Marshall then attempted to use more examples to explain that many families and individuals find it difficult, challenging even, to pay for all of the things required to simply live.

More to come. 

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INTERESTING TIMES

Dave Parkes, a longtime supporter of The Blues, has struggled to accept that the team he’s supported since a child, has now been consistently doing well over the past few seasons.

After years of disappointment since their 2003 Super 12 title, the 32 year-old has been sceptical every time they showed some sort of promise early on. Blues seasons had traditionally ended with them missing the playoffs altogether, despite often having what looked like an overall good squad.

“Even when we signed Beauden Barrett I was a bit dubious about the whole thing, but he’s probably been the best thing since Carlos Spencer to be honest.”

“It’s quite strange, we’ve always had good players on paper and a few All Blacks in the mix. But now those good players on paper are actually playing like good players on the field. The weirdest part is they’ve been playing well each week this year,” explained Parkes, who was concerned about how relaxed he was ahead of the top of the table clash with the Chiefs. 

The Blues have had high expectations ever since Barrett joined the franchise, where they won the Super Rugby Trans-Tasman title in 2021 and made last year’s Super Rugby final.

“It’s just been weird to see them basically being title contenders the past three seasons, instead of me wondering how they’d maybe sneak into the playoffs.”

Despite his unwavering loyalty, Parkes was still suspicious of the Blues.

“Years of mediocrity after Carlos and barely any playoff appearances in the 18 years after that. You always wonder how a team that could be so poor for so long could suddenly become successful?”

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke Still Adjusting To The Idea Of Taking The Blues Seriously appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CULTURE FROM THE BOTTOM UP

At the end of yet another shit house week at Wellington’s “A Plus Accounting”, a select group of staff were positively charged up for a drink or four after work. 

They reached Wellington’s Meow bar at the early time of 4.32, for their regular Friday attempt to forget everything about their work lives. 

“Arhhhhhhh,” vocalised the auditor, Mark Pryor loudly as he swallowed his first mouthful of highly alcoholic craft beer. 

Clinking their glasses and sipping their alcoholic beverages, the conversation moved very quickly to their shared hatred for the company they work for.

Pryor kicked things off by going on a small rant about the outdated systems they are forced to use, while also being expected to deliver maximum efficiency.

“Are they actually expecting us to get things done using the current software? They think they’re saving money by not upgrading things, but it’s just making us less productive,” Pryor explained, being met with nodding agreement from 10-12 of his fellow coworkers.

Despite their shared disdain for their employer, there was a strange sense of comradery becoming obvious as they entered their third round of drinks.

Sarah Evans, who usually kept to herself at work, suddenly became eager to share her grievances. 

“They expect us to work like dogs for peanuts! It’s like prison! 

“Don’t even get started on my manager!” Evans said, knocking back either her third or fourth glass of wine.

Then 22 year-old graduate accountant Isabelle Hawkins fired up.

“They act like they’re doing us a favour by giving us a job. They hire so many incompetent people in some of the departments. What are all those meetings for anyway?”

An unnamed barman said that the group looked a lot like the others he’d seen come in that afternoon.

“Ah yep, more underpaid and overworked employees all from the same office? That’s pretty standard for a Friday.”

More to come.

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The post ONE TEAM: Office Staff Bond Over Shared Hatred For The Company appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THROWING HER A LIFELINE

Vic uni student Zara Ellison had her reality expanded today after finding herself in the unfortunate position of being on hold, waiting to talk to Studylink. 

The 18 year-old from Wellington was held captive to her phone for what felt like an eternity, until she was suddenly serenaded by the voice of an early 2000s angel.   

Up until this point, Zara had been losing her mind listening to the same few songs played over and over. Bands she’d never heard of like Th’ Dudes, Split Enz and Hello Sailor were slowly but surely destroying her will to live. 

Just when she thought she couldn’t take any more, she heard Brooke Fraser for the first time.

Zara told us what it was like to experience the golden child of Kiwi music. 

“I was immediately intrigued. Who was this magical voice that was saving me from the audio hellscape of StudyLink hold music?

“I opened Shazam and instantly found out the song was called “Lifeline”, said Ellison, who was an infant when Fraser’s debut album ‘What to do with daylight’ came out in 2004.

The Gen Z’er was clearly blown away by Brooke’s angelic voice.

“For three minutes I forgot all my frustration with StudyLink and got totally lost in her music. I don’t even remember why I rang,” Ellison explained, making a mental note to add “Lifeline” and “Better” to her Spotify playlist as soon as she got off the phone.

Zara eventually decided to hang up on StudyLink, but the Gen Z’er had discovered Brooke Fraser, and to her that was all that mattered.

More to come.

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OH REAL?

Very mainstream news provider CNN reported yesterday that the virus that went around the world over the last couple of years likely did come from the Wuhan Institute of Virology, a very large building that contains many viruses. 

The news came as a shock to most of the general public who have generally thought the most obvious origin of a virus would be some bloke eating a bat. 

The Whakataki Times took to the streets of Wellington to see what the public thinks in the capital. 

“A virus coming from a place called the Wuhan Institute of Virology? I dunno, sounds a little far-fetched. How do we even know there is an institute of virology in Wuhan?” said Michael, 25, as he collected his almond milk latte. 

“Ohh nah I dunno about that one,” said Jacob, 20, a student of psychology and sociology at Victoria University. “Sounds like CNN’s gone down a conspiracy rabbit hole and they can’t get out of it. That’s really sad to see from such a reputable source.”

The general feeling on Lambton Quay today was that it was totally insane to think that a virus could have come from a building that is literally packed full of viruses. 

“No no no,” laughed Sarah, 30, from Thorndon. “The lab-leak theory got debunked years ago. The authorities in China assured the WHO that there was no leak at the lab, and the virus most likely came from the wet market.

“I mean, the idea of a lab leak is just crazy, and if we can’t trust the word of an authoritarian regime, who can we trust?” she asked without blinking. 

More to come.

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The post CNN Now Saying Virus Probably Came From That Big Building Full Of Viruses appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

JUST EMBRACE IT

Sam Westman, a recruitment advisor at a top agency in Hamilton, has taken a novel approach to his semi-frequent Sunday hangover. 

The 24 year old is by no means drinking as much as he was in his uni days, however he does still find himself dangerously hungover on a Sunday at least once a month. 

Yesterday however, was one of those magical hangovers where the key members of Westman’s drinking team were still together on Sunday for the aftermath. Naturally there was much reminiscing, greasy takeaway food, and lazy observance of Sky Sport highlights, while slipping in and out of consciousness. 

“Just one of the great Sundays with the lads ay. Maccas, rugby highlights, yarns. Really hard to beat that.”

When he returned home the young man was suddenly hit with the hideous realisation that tomorrow was Monday, and he would be expected to get dressed and contribute to society. 

This simply wouldn’t do. 

Westman told himself right there and then that he would be calling in sick tomorrow. He refused to let this beautiful hangover come to an end. 

“I just had to make a choice, ay. This is about my wellbeing,” he lied to our reporters, and himself. 

Knowing that splashing his face with cold water on Monday morning and knocking back a few ibuprofen wasn’t going to rid himself of his horrors, Westman put on his best sick-sounding voice and phoned it in to his boss. 

“They’ll thank me in the long run. My productivity for the week will be net positive with an extra recovery day”. 

Early reports are that the Monday absentee was getting stuck into the TV series “Yellowstone”, while on his second free trial of Neon. 

More to come.

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IT MATTERS 

Monique Gilchrist felt like she was being watched like a hawk over the weekend, as she went for some casual drinks in Papanui, an affluent suburb in Christchurch. 

The 26 year-old, who was a newcomer to the friend group, felt like the dreaded question “What school did you go to?” was following her everywhere.

Gilchrist, who hails from Christchurch originally, felt tremendous pressure as she entered a new circle of people at the drinks.

Our reporters were on scene and spoke with Gilchrist about the situation.

“Well it was going fine at first. We talked about our jobs and our travels overseas, and then suddenly, one of them asked me where I went to school. Right on cue! Third time I’ve been asked that tonight!

“In fact, it didn’t matter what circle I entered, everyone wanted to know the answer to that one question.

“But I can tell you, they were all relieved when I told them I went to Rangi Ruru Girls School, you know, the private girls school in Merivale. It costs $27,400 to attend that school a year. Not going to play that one down!” explained Gilchrist, feeling blessed that she was born into a wealthy family.

Charlotte White, who told our reporters multiple times that she also went to Rangi Ruru, explained her relief about finding out that Monique also attended that school.

“I mean phew. Glad she could answer that question properly. I’m starting to warm to her already ya know. There’s nothing like bonding with another private girls student, right?” asked White rhetorically, getting blank stares from our reporters. 

“She’s definitely welcome in this friend group again. Very acceptable. Nothing like building up our Christchurch Rangi squad!”

More to come.

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The post Christchurch Woman Rated As Socially Acceptable After Correctly Answering The “What School Did You Go To?” Question appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THE BOSS WON’T BE HAPPY 

One South American drug lord out there won’t be a happy chappy today.

Whoever the unlucky crime boss is, they have just lost 3.2 tonnes of their cocaine, half a billion dollars worth, after it was intercepted by the Royal New Zealand Navy.

The Whakaktai Times caught up with Sophie Lawson, a marketing coordinator from Wellington, who had just come across the news about the record bust.

“Ha geez, talk about a major financial blow to a profit-driven business. I guess I don’t feel too bad about losing my work laptop now! Management went on and on about it like I’d financially ruined their company. 

“I mean come on! Look at this loss!” explained Lawson, who is quite often irresponsible with company equipment and somehow misplaced her brand new work computer just a few months into the job.

The Defence Force and Customs recovered 81 bales of cocaine in nets, and believe it was destined for Australia. Police Commissioner Andrew Coster says it could have serviced the New Zealand market for 30 years.

Lawson, who was still trying to make amends with her manager after misplacing a $2,000 laptop, was still attempting to justify her loss in comparison to the record drug seizure.

“Laptops are getting lighter these days and sometimes you forget you have them in your bag – or on you at all. But look how heavy that load of coke is! How do you end up letting that out of your sight! ” asked Lawson, who actually just left the computer in a taxi after a night out following Friday work drinks.

Lawson left the interview feeling more confident, armed with a new found sense of perspective. ”Maybe I should ask for a work phone? It’s not like it’ll cost half a billion dollars if I lose it!”

More to come

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