GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics
SIMPLER TIMES
Labour leader Chris “Chippy” Hipkins has been spotted outside a bakery in Upper Hutt this afternoon, quietly reflecting on how he used to have “a much more manageable news cycle”.
Standing just outside the door, Hipkins was seen gazing into the cabinet at a row of jumbo sausage rolls, appearing less tempted to eat one, and more interested in what they once represented.
“Back then it was easy,” Hipkins said, hands in pockets. “You grab a sausage roll, crack a 600 mL Coke, and suddenly that’s the story for three days.”
The Opposition leader reportedly lingered for several minutes, reflecting on the latest allegations made by his ex wife on social media, yearning for simpler times.
“There’d be no allegations, no statements, no clarifications. Just pastry and vibes,” he added.
Witnesses say Hipkins briefly nodded to himself, as if mentally engineering a return to old fashioned, fluff-based distraction.
“People loved it. Kiwi bloke, sausage roll, bit of sauce on the shirt. That was enough,” he continued. “You didn’t have to say anything because the media would just make something up for you.”
Insiders say he has been “quietly exploring options” to reintroduce baked goods into the national conversation, with plans including a highly visible lunch stop in one of the shittier parts of Lower Hutt.
“There’s something honest about it,” Hipkins said, still staring through the glass. “You can’t fake a sausage roll moment.”
Hipkins has now apparently moved his regular comms team catch up forward a day to share his pastry-based re-re-brand.
More to come.
