Smug TVNZ Management Happily Makes Zero Dollars And Doesn’t Go Out Of Business
NO PROFITS, NO PROBLEM.
TVNZ management arrived at their Auckland based headquarters with smiles on their faces today.
TIME SAVER: Golriz Asked To Make A List Of Shops She Hasn’t Stolen From
NARROWING IT DOWN.
Local thief and former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman has allegedly been asked by police to cooperate in a time saving exercise, as an attempt to clear up this whole mess she’s gotten herself into.
Local Weetbix Fiend Still Hopeful For All Blacks Call Up
DARE TO DREAM.
Daniel Sharpe, 29, is a 5-foot little bloke with a wiry frame and grand aspirations, who is still awaiting the coveted All Blacks call-up, fuelled by his daily ritual of consuming Weetbix.
Chiefs Favourites To Beat Crusaders: One Eyed Cantab Not Angry At TAB Just Disappointed
NEVER WRITE THEM OFF.
56-year-old Craig Chamberlain from Shirley got quite the shock today.
FREE TO AIR CRICKET: Grown Man Stoked To Not Have To Use Parents’ SkyGo For Once
ALMOST ADULTING.
33-year-old Matt Johnson has found himself in a state of pure elation as he realised he wouldn’t have to beg, borrow, or steal access to his parents’ SkyGo account to watch the Blackcaps tonight.
Dunedin Student Not Fussed About Rat Infested Countdown As His Flat Isn’t Much Better
HOME AWAY FROM HOME
19-year-old students Ben Dougal and George Baker seem unfazed by the recent closure of Dunedin’s rat-infested Countdown supermarket.
Yo-Pro Goes Against Linkedin Commenting Etiquette And Says Something He Really Thinks
TOXIC POSITIVITY.
A bold mid-level marketing executive has pushed back against the unwritten rules of LinkedIn by leaving a comment that’s not overwhelmingly positive.
Indian Economy In Trouble Following Widening Gap Between Kane Williamson And Virat Kohli
GOT HIS NUMBER.
The Indian economy is reportedly on the brink of collapse as the gap between Kane Williamson and Virat Kohli’s test centuries widens.
Teen Who “Literally Died” Miraculously Still Alive
THE SECOND COMING…
A young Gen Zed-er has defied death itself by telling her friends about the time she passed away.
Beth O’Malley was talking to a friend, casually retelling a mildly embarrassing encounter with the parents of her ex-boyfriend, when she made the stunning revelation.
“…I was just like, ‘Aaahhh’. I literally died,” she concluded.
Single Millennial Maintains Valentine’s Is A Fake Holiday And Is Happy Being Alone
NO I’M FINE.
32 year old Josie Warden has hardened her position on the polarising Valentine’s holiday debate, characterising the day as a scam perpetuated by the chocolate and flower industries.
The senior marketing manager at JSI (Just Sell It) also maintained, without any prompting at all, that she was totally fine and happy with her life with no significant other.
“Look, this is obvious, right? No one actually wants this so-called ‘holiday’. It just creates an unnecessary expectation for people to buy stuff,” she explained while appearing totally fine.
