GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport
IT’S NOT COMING HOME
It was a difficult day for UK born football fan Jack Bryant, who this morning watched his beloved English national team get eliminated from the FIFA World Cup by none other than his most hated team, Argentina.
Bryant spent most of today pushing feelings of anger and disappointment deep down within himself, layering it onto his already hardened personality like sedimentary rock. He said that although he is gutted by the result, the disappointment provides a “comforting familiarity”.
“I thought we were through. I thought we were going to hold on to that lead and make it to the World Cup final. I wanted it more than anything,” he told reporters as he stared a thousand yards into the distance.
“But then it just didn’t happen. At first it was just shock and despair, but then I got this strange sense that as an Englishman, this is exactly what I deserve. I began luxuriating in the delicious, delicious failure.”
Bryant says he was angry at himself more than anything for having hope and belief.
“Seriously, who the hell did I think I was? Thinking that England could make it to the final. It’s not the English way!
“I’m already annoyed at my future self, who in four years time, will have the same dough-eyed belief that football’s coming home. It’s not Jack, get it through your head!” he yelled as he tapped his finger forcefully against his forehead.
Bryant, who tends to believe everything’s “a bit shit” anyway, will now keep calm and carry on with life, justified in that belief.
More to come.
