FINALLY SOME FREEDOM!

With the 23 day protest coming to an end on Parliament grounds this afternoon, the Whakataki Times sought comment from New Zealanders on the breaking news.

“Thank fuck!” – Brianna Wilson.

“Glad that shit-show’s over” – Adrian Taylor.

“About fucking time. Nice to actually be free in my own city!” – Miranda Lewis.

“They chant peace and love while they throw projectiles at police. Bunch of dropkicks. Good fucking riddance.”  Brad Hopkinson.

More to come.

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The post “Good Fucking Riddance” Says Nation appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BLACK OR GOLD?

Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning.

“Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time in her life.

The viral dress dominated world headlines in 2015 after viewers had heated debates about whether it was coloured black and blue or white and gold. 

It was a nice change for Emerson’s social media feed, which has been completely flooded with news and controversy around MIQ, protests in Wellington about the Government’s vaccine mandates and the current Russian invasion of Ukraine.

“Gee, times have changed. My family used to be at each other’s throats about our differences on the colour of some viral dress on the internet, now we are mostly at a war of words about whether wearing a mask and getting the jab is in breach of our human rights,” Emerson whimpered to the Whakataki Times reporters.

As she scrolled through the comments on her old Facebook post, Emerson explained how she would welcome back the old kind of division in society in a heartbeat. 

“I’d give anything to just be arguing with my Mum and sister about how they could be so bloody blind to the fact that this dress is clearly black and blue and not white and gold. The last few weeks I’ve been having quarrels with them about whether the protesters outside Parliament should just go home or not. Bring back some arguments about the bloody dress colour!” Emerson said, looking like she was about to engage in another dress debate.

Emerson then decided to take the news cycle back into her own hands by replying to her sister Rosie’s 2015 comment saying the dress was white and gold, with the comment ‘#blackandblue’.

More to come

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DO YA MISS ME WHEN I’M GONE?

The ‘unruly travellers’ who once apparently ‘wrecked havoc’ by descending on the country’s North Island for a summer holiday in 2019 are looking pretty damn good in comparison to the angry mob of 1,000 protesters who have drained police resources, threatened the public and continue to block off central Wellington during their now two-week long protest outside Parliament. 

One of the ‘unruly’ tourists, Johnny Goodman, said he was perplexed at how their month-long stay in New Zealand in 2019 resulted in them getting called ‘Irish scum’ with a tirade of hate and headlines.

“We just left a bit of rubbish at Takapuna Beach, didn’t mean to cause any harm. Who doesn’t leave the odd beer box by accident on the sand dunes?” Goodman said in a polite and apologetic manner.

As tensions continue to rise outside Parliament with police now kitting themselves in riot gear, Goodman was shocked and saddened to hear about the treatment of police and the public.

“I would never throw acid or human faeces like the chimpanzees at the protest in Wellington, that’s just damn wrong”  Goodman said to The Whakataki Times reporters, who were not abused whilst interviewing Goodman or sent death threats for just doing their job.

One member of the Wellington public Alana Myer, 24, offered her thoughts on the situation. “Oh god can we please bring those British tourists back? Let them skip the MIQ queue. It’d fix-up the news cycle at least. I guess you don’t know how good you have it until it’s gone.”

More to come.

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The post “Unruly Tourists” Looking Pretty Bloody Good Right Now appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NEW ICE PRINCESS IN TOWN

Local father Jordie Jacobsen couldn’t be prouder as his 6 year old daughter Charlotte unceremoniously ripped down her Frozen Elsa poster, and replaced it with a poster of gold medal-winning Olympian snowboarder Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott. 

“Yesss good on ya Char, get it outta here. No need to watch that movie again ay hun”, said the father of two, still traumatized from watching Frozen more than thirty times. 

This comes after New Zealand’s best Winter Olympics ever, where Sadowsky-Synnott claimed gold and silver medals, and more recently halfpipe skier Nico Porteous won gold in his event. 

The Whakataki Times explored why Jacobsen now had a sore hand from gleefully fist-pumping the top of his living room door frame. “I’m mainly just pleased that Charlotte’s found herself a proper female role model to look up to. Zoi’s great, she’s a positive influence on Charlotte and she’s showing what can be achieved through hard work and determination.

“So much better than bloody Elsa from that hideous movie. God it’s horrendous,” spat Jacobsen in disgust.

Jacobsen confirmed that he is in two minds about whether he should keep his Disney Plus subscription, where Frozen and Frozen 2 are still very much available. “Well the only reason I got it was for the Star Wars stuff, and the Boba Fett series has just finished so maybe I’ll cancel it for now.

“No point having bloody Frozen available in the house. Better for Char to focus on Zoi and other positive kiwi sportswomen like the Black Ferns Sevens at the last Olympics, gee they were good.

“Fuckin Frozen can get fucked, sorry Elsa you’re out. Bad fuckin luck, maybe you should just… let it go?” Jacobsen laughed maniacally.  

More to come.    

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The post “Ha Fuck You Elsa” Says Dad As Daughter Replaces Frozen Poster With Zoi Sadowsky-Synnott appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GETTING THE JOB DONE!

The New Zealand Government and Police have hired well known con man Simon Leveiv, also known as the ‘Tinder Swindler’, in an attempt to convince protesters to exit Parliament grounds as the protest nears its third week.

Leveiv has been the subject of Netflix’s latest documentary ‘The Tinder Swindler’ where he conned multiple women out of hundreds of thousands of dollars in a romance scam. Police Commissioner Andrew Coster explained the decision to bring in the self-proclaimed billionaire.

“He ticks all the boxes doesn’t he? He’s going to tell them what they want to hear and  he will definitely over-promise and under-deliver. Hopefully they’ll all fall victim to his charm and just get off that damn lawn!” said Coster, who was now visibly exhausted from two weeks-worth of questions on the subject.

The Whakataki Times reporters sought comment from protesters who had started to exit Parliament grounds.

“I’d trust this guy more than a politician!” shouted one protester draped in a United Tribes flag, “…and I’d trust him way more than the fake news media!”, as he punched our cameraman in the face.  

Another protester also supported the idea of entering into talks with the proven conman. “Yeah I’d trust him more than anyone in the Beehive. All they do is just emotionally manipulate us to support their lavish lifestyle. This Simon guy will be way different!”, he said before going for his third public urination for the day. 

Reporters further pressed Police Commissioner Coster on whether he had any concerns about hiring the well known fraudster.

“It should be fine. We aren’t even asking the protesters to dish out hundreds of thousands of dollars of their own to him. We just want them off the grounds to clear up the blockade around central Wellington. If we can’t get a politician to come out and lie through their teeth, then we may as well get one of the expert liars to do it for us.”

More to come.

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Ben Aplin, 26, is grappling with the fact that he will fail to make any ground on his new Instagram account, as he is simply not a hot girl with a decent iPhone.

The graphic designer from Wellington explained his frustration about the stagnant state of his social media status to the Whakataki Times.

“It’s been a grim start. I followed a whole bunch of people with the hope of a few follow-backs, but there’s been pretty much nothing. But these girls have followers in the thousands? They haven’t even been to uni!” said a dejected Aplin who is still seemingly ignorant that nobody would ever follow his account that has a total of 0 followers, and only one uploaded picture from his well-worn 2017 iPhone 8 .

The Whakataki Times spoke to Hayley Baxter, 22, who hails from Remuera, an affluent suburb in Auckland, about how she effortlessly gained her influencer status.

“Well you’d want to be posting the classic caption ”Hot dogs or legs?” on a post of your overly tanned legs whilst at a prominent beach. That’s always a guaranteed 800 plus likes for me, along with some quick follows,” Baxter said with brimming confidence, while showing reporters the like and follow count on her very new iPhone 13.

“Plus, nothing like a full on bikini shot at Mission Bay with the caption ‘Life’s a beach’. That usually gets me a barrage of flame emoji replies from my 4,677 followers, plus a few Super Rugby players sliding into my DMs,” said Baxter, who also only follows 312 people and is absolutely nobody of notoriety. 

Aplin, who has no bio and goes by the user name designguy96, was still seemingly bamboozled as to why he has suddenly not become a prominent influencer on Instagram.

“I’ve followed some people, I’ve put up a picture. Build it and they will come, don’t they say? Oh well, you can’t be an overnight celebrity I guess. Surely the followers will come after a while won’t they?”, questioned Aplin, who was now completely out of touch with reality.

Reporters tried seeking further comment from Hayley Baxter, but upon opening their Instagram apps, all they saw was a photo of her in a revealing sports bra with a freshly made smoothie, looking like she was all of a sudden some sort of qualified nutritionist.

More to come.

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The post Wannabe Influencer Struggling With The Fact That He’s Not A Hot Girl With A Good iPhone appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

A GLASS OF WATER BEFOREHAND SEAN?

New Zealand’s newest national treasure Sean Synott, father of Winter Olympics gold medallist Zoi Sadowski-Synnott has had a bit of a prompt to ‘just have a few waters’ before embarking on what will no doubt be another iconic profanity-laden live interview after Zoi’s Big Air event.

The encouragement to knock back a glass or two of H20 before going live on national TV is not believed to come from close family or friends of Synott, but the nation’s television executives who are currently nervous wrecks. It comes after Newshub was snowed under with complaints from baby boomers about his live interview last week, which included back-to-back F-bombs.

The Whakataki Times spoke to Helen McLeod, Executive Producer from Wanaka News Today, who explained her brittle state ahead of Zoi’s bid for her second gold medal in Beijing.

“I guess for us we are just wary of the timing of her event. Her Big Air final is at 2:30pm NZT and no doubt Sean will be getting well underway before midday. Then if she wins..hell, we can’t even have him live on our show until 6:40pm during the sports break. It frightens me how many beers he could knock back before then” said McLeod who was visibly nervous.

McLeod then explained her plan to interview Sean, should Zoi take out another historic gold medal.

“Look, I think I’ll have to just have a few waters on hand and maybe even offer it to him a good 20 minutes before we go live. By that time he’ll be in the same state he was last week. We’ve just gotta roll with it as it’s a given,” explained McLeod who was now highly strung.

Attempts to reach Sean at his Wanaka home were unsuccessful, but he is believed to be “Pretty f***ing excited” about today’s event.

More to come 

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USER NOT FOUND!

Chloe Mckenzie, 25 (single) has abruptly disappeared from all platforms of social media, coincidently coming on the annual day of love, Valentines Day. 

The Whakataki Times, who had to track Mckenzie down in person, questioned why the accounts payable clerk from New Plymouth decided to pull off a Houdini act of her own.

“Why would I want to spend the whole day watching Sophie, Chelsea and Olivia all posting about the dozen roses and chocolates they ‘surprisingly’ got from their boyfriends on Instagram?” asked Mckenzie, who has long been single and seemingly couldn’t stomach anyone else being happy on Valentines.

“Roses die anyway, why are they even a symbol for love!?” she screeched enviously at the local Whakataki Times reporters.

Mckenzie, who had allegedly tried to do everything in her power to avoid being alone on February 14th, said the day often gets worse as it progresses into the evening.

“I mean the working day is hellish enough. Even Helen at work who’s in her fifties got flowers delivered to her receptionist desk this morning.”

“But come night-time all the girls will be taking to Insta to crow about how their ‘Number one human’ has taken them out for an expensive dinner. Then there’ll be glasses of wine side-by-side with the captions ‘Wouldn’t want to spend the day with anyone else but this one. I feel like Ralph on that episode of the Simpsons! Can you see why I’ve gone AWOL from social media today?!”

The Whakataki Times can confirm that Mckenzie was later seen walking out of her local alcohol store before midday with a $9 bottle of red wine.

More to come.

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SEND IN THE BIG GUNS

New Zealand Police have put the fear of God into anti-mandate protesters on Parliament grounds today, after making a threat to send in a grumpy old man demanding they get the hell off his lawn.  

Sid Barnes, 72, spoke with Police Commissioner Andrew Coster this morning. “For the last 20 years I’ve been scaring the living shit out of kids who think it’s their personal right to just walk across the front of my lawn. Like hell it is! Get the hell off my damn lawn!! ” said Barnes, whose face had now turned a few shades redder.

“Bloody kids hitting bloody tennis balls over my fence! My tennis ball now!” 

Coster said calling up lawncare enthusiast Barnes to yell in a red-faced, fist-clenched fit of rage may be the solution after four days of struggle to disperse protesters.  “I think we can all agree there’s nothing more frightening than an angry old man spooking you from his doorstep with demands to remove yourself from his property.”

While exercising their right to protest, many of the people involved have also been clogging up essential roads, abusing the public and bringing nearby businesses to a stand-still since no one wants a bar of the CBD at the moment. 

Local fence-sitter Ben Jones said that while he himself is fully vaccinated, the psychology of disease and vaccines, along with the appropriate role and reach of government and mental health associated with an increasingly isolated society is a complex issue. He also said that the more we let ourselves be divided as a society, the less chance we have of communicating constructively and coming to a reasonable compromise.

“Yeah it’s all a bit fucked ay”, Jones summarised. 

The Whakataki Times was unable to get further comment from Mr Barnes, due to him being overwhelmed with excitement at the prospect of giving a bunch of troublemakers a bloody good telling off.

More to come. 

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Following the viral popularity of Sean Synnott’s profanity-laden interview about his daughter Zoi’s Olympic gold medal this week, Newshub appears to be hungry for more Sean. 

They are allegedly in talks with the family to obtain rights to broadcast Sean’s inevitably epic speech at Zoi’s 21st birthday in March.

A source close to Newshub explained to the Whakataki Times that it’s not every day that you come across on-screen talent like Sean Synnott. “Newshub would be stupid not to try and get more from Sean. He’s just too good! Belongs on TV!” said the source who wished to remain nameless. 

“They may as well cash in. Zoi’s going to make plenty from product endorsements, so her dad may as well make a bit of money too!

“It’d just be a broadcast of Sean’s speech at Zoi’s 21st, where he’d most likely humiliate his daughter, not only by telling embarrassing stories from her childhood, but by also probably being massively steamed himself.

“That Newshub money would easily cover the venue hire, and probably a decent open bar as well, which would suit the old fulla well”.

The Whakataki Times was unable to reach Newshub or anyone else for comment.

More to come. 

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