Sad 30-Something Gives New Jibbitz Their Beach Debut
“SPENDING THE SUMMER IN STYLE”
After a winter spent under a cloud of seasonal depression, Kristen Edwards is ready to make this summer her best yet. Thankfully, she’s got a brand new set of Jibbitz to put a spring in her step, and they’ll be on show at Foxton Beach this holiday season.
Local Woman Expecting Instagram DM Blow Up After Bikini Post At Beach
ULTIMATE FLEX.
Kelsie McVale, 23, knows what’s coming after flaunting her tanned beach body on social media.
Bloke’s Relaxing Beach Trip To Cathedral Cove Turns Into Grueling 200-Photo Shoot For Girlfriend’s Instagram
ALL FOR THE GRAM.
Sam Ellison thought he had the perfect summer getaway planned when he travelled up north to the Coromandel.
SHAME: Cricketer’s Ego Crumbles As Girlfriend Knocks Him Over In Beach Cricket
SENT HIM PACKING.
Spencer Lyon has felt more shame today than anything else he has experienced in club cricket.
Local Dad Rolls Back The Years With Sensational BYC Hat Trick Against His Hapless Children
UNSTOPPABLE
Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match.
REPORT: No Christmas Toy Will Ever Match the Glory of the Vortex Mega Howler
“FEEL THE POWER”
Jacob Cooper, a 34-year-old Christchurch man, is adamant that no Christmas gift—past, present, or future—will ever surpass the iconic glory of the Vortex Mega Howler.
Government Proposes Ban On People Posting Unwatchable Festival Footage To Instagram Stories
WE GET IT, YOU’RE THERE.
The National government has announced its intention to extend the controversial ban on gang patches to tackle another societal menace: Instagram stories flooded with festival footage.
EVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE: Warmth And Sunlight During Afternoon Stimulates Brain’s Biological Urge For A Beer
IT’S SCIENCE.
Local neurologist Jacko Callahan has proven what we all knew to be true – that a bit of sunshine in the afternoon is likely to make you want a beer.
This time however, there’s science to back up the theory.
Dr Callahan says that inside every human’s ‘reptile brain’ (also known as the amygdala) there are photoreceptors that are triggered by afternoon light.
“The angle and frequency of specifically afternoon light is something that makes our brains seek out a sense of fun and relaxation,” explained Dr Callahan as he quickly wiped away the beer he had spilled on his lab coat.
Bloke Heroically Starts On The Beers At 12 In Quest To Make It To Midnight
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture DON’T STOP BELIEVING Kieron Larson believes he is a strong chance to make it to the New Year’s Eve countdown tonight in something resembling a coherent state. Cracking open the first of many Steinlager Pures at 12:06pm, the 23 year-old did a quick “cheers boys” to a handful of mates at […]
Man Heavily Sedated After Four Beers In The Sun
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Dave McMillian, 44, was not under general anaesthetic for a serious medical procedure today, but to our reporters that’s exactly what it looked like. Neighbours explained to the Whakataki Times that the financial consultant had indulged in his fourth 330mL crafty APA, just as the heat ticked over to 31 degrees […]
