Wet Weather Aggravates Local Dad Who Hasn’t Been Able To Get The Lawns Done
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local DAD’S IN A BAD MOOD Lower Hutt father of three, Darren Donaldson was in a foul mood this morning, as today marks the third weekend in a row where he hasn’t been able to mow the lawns. As the rain came down, Donaldson looked out his window and snarled at the […]
Man On Train Makes Eye Contact, Smiles And Says Hello To Metlink Passenger Operator
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local UNHEARD OF! William Segal, a regular passenger on the Hutt Valley express train to Wellington, has allegedly been engaging in friendly, brief interactions with Metlink staff. Witnesses claim Segal regularly “makes eye contact, smiles and says hello to train staff” as they carry out their regular practice of scanning snapper cards. […]
Mai FM Host Outraged That Helping Criminals Cover Up Crime Is Also Considered Crime
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FROM TOP OF THE CHARTS TO BOTTOM BUNK Former Mai FM morning host Nate Nauer has had a frustrating day at Auckland District Court today, as he was handed a prison sentence for money laundering. Nauer was sentenced to two years and nine months jail for the crime. However this sentence […]
Aucklander Totally Unmoved By Constant Heckling About Being From Auckland
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National MENTAL FORTRESS Shaun Purvis is a proud Aucklander, born and raised in the City of Sails. But the 29 year-old, who had recently moved to Nelson, had his patience tested regularly by those remarking about the fact he was originally from New Zealand’s largest city, seemingly judging him on that fact […]
Man Who Has Not Been To The Gym In Months Fraudulently Carries Around Red CityFitness Bag
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local ALL THE TREATS BUT NO MAHI 25 year old Ryan Ellison flagrantly misled the public last Friday, as he used his red CityFitness gym bag as an overnight bag. This was despite not using the bag to actually carry his gym clothes in over three months. The deceptive sales rep carried […]
Pie And Can Of V Found To Be Most Nutritionally Optimal Breakfast For Tradies
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS A new study from the NZ Nutrition Foundation has reluctantly discovered that the traditional healthy breakfast of cereals, grains and fruit is not the killer combo we all thought it was. It found that a pie and a can of V energy drink contained the perfect balance of […]
Local Winger Locks In Another Weekend Of Not Having To Wash His Rugby Gear
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport HAIRDO STILL INTACT Johnny Driscoll looked like he’d stepped out of a commercial for laundry detergent following today’s club rugby match in Christchurch. That’s because the 25 year-old winger had somehow managed to stay miraculously clean, despite his teammates being covered head to toe in mud. The casual observer would be […]
“I Need A Coffee First” Says Woman Who Continues To Put Off Doing Any Work
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local PROCRASTINATION QUEEN Emily Harrison has mastered the art of procrastination within her workplace. The 28 year-old team leader at a Wellington marketing company, who had likely already had a coffee on her way to work, greeted her co-workers as she entered the office with a charming smile and announced “Morning guys. […]
2023 Budget Found In Fiction Section Of Library Under “Fantasy”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National FACT OR FICTION A copy of the government’s newly published budget has somehow already made its way into Upper Hutt Library. The book – which apparently needed to be printed with taxpayer money and could not simply exist as a PDF – was not part of the finance or economics section […]
Local Bloke Left Alone For Two Seconds Inevitably Starts Performing His Imaginary Golf Swing
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GHOST OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP Greg Adams has always had an uncanny obsession with golf. The 30 year-old Aucklander has never actually been any good at it, but would still torture himself most weekends by playing nine holes with friends, which always seemed like it took all day. But when not on the […]
