Local Woman Who Can’t Keep A Pot Plant Alive Now Talking About Getting Chickens
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local CALL THE SPCA! Aro Valley 25-year-old Lauren Randall has frightened her friend today by suggesting that she would like to be responsible for looking after “a couple of chickens”. The claim comes as New Zealanders experience an increase in the supermarket price of eggs, leading many to start thinking outside the […]
Local Woman Expects Instagram DM Blow Up After Bikini Post At The Beach
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture ULTIMATE FLEX Kelsie McVale, 23, knows what’s coming after flaunting her tanned beach body on social media. She’s expecting a barrage of Instagram direct messages from male followers who have just seen the revealing photo taken at Christchurch’s Sumner beach – a hotspot for people her age during the summer months. […]
Activist Harping On About Carbon Emissions During Cyclone Devastation Is Widely Told To Fuck Off
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National YOUR’E NOT HELPING As the North Island faces the wrath of Cyclone Gabrielle, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake, some are getting their patience tested by an even more formidable foe: climate change activists. Hawkes Bay and Gisborne are currently suffering the most from monumental flooding, power outages, and […]
Gabby From Accounts Naturally Acquires “Cyclone Gabrielle” Nickname
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National “JUST CALL ME GABBY” Gabrielle Norman, an accounting assistant with a Hamilton insurance firm, has reportedly succumbed to the inevitable this week. Despite being known as simply “Gabby” in her office, the 24 year old’s colleagues have expertly connected the dots between her actual first name, and the devastating natural disaster […]
Weather Reporter Outrageously Requests Permission To Do Live Cross From Indoors
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NO CHANCE A Newshub reporter has ruffled feathers inside a busy newsroom today. Alyse Bates, an Auckland news reporter covering Cyclone Gabrielle, arrogantly asked her producer if she could simply do her live cross inside, where she would be sheltered from the severe rain and wind. The Whakataki Times reporters were […]
Man Smashes Last Year’s Valentine’s Effort By Picking Up The Last Bouquet Left Sitting There At New World
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture MODERN DAY ROMEO Upper Hutt local Peter Sorensen out-did his past self today, proving that he still has what it takes to keep his relationship alive. Sorensen has been with partner Renee for six years now and things have been relatively stable the whole time. Last Valentine’s however, the man from […]
CYCLONE WARNING: Arrogant Wellingtonian Welcomes The Challenge Of More Wind
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National BRING IT Wellington-centric data analyst Logan Galloway failed to read the room this morning, as he made a joke about the severity of Cyclone Gabrielle. “Just a bit of wind and rain. Normal for Welliez, probably be a good challenge!” he said, knowing perfectly well that Wellington will not feel the […]
Man Annoys The Hell Out Of Party Goers By Constantly Changing Songs Halfway Through
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST LET IT PLAY! A flat party in Wellington was making quite the noise this evening. Not because the music was blaring loud enough to potentially warrant a call from noise control to the Kelburn flat. But because of the constant groans and disdain coming from inside the house due to […]
Losing A Company Laptop Definitely Not As Bad As Losing 3.2 Tonnes Of Cocaine
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National THE BOSS WON’T BE HAPPY One South American drug lord out there won’t be a happy chappy today. Whoever the unlucky crime boss is, they have just lost 3.2 tonnes of their cocaine, half a billion dollars worth, after it was intercepted by the Royal New Zealand Navy. The Whakaktai Times […]
RAZOR RUMOUR: One-Eyed Cantab Spotted In Hagley Park Winking At People
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport LOOKS HAPPY FOR ONCE The Whakataki Times has received multiple reports of the so-callled “one-eyed Cantab”, Craig Chamberlain, winking at people who happen to be out and about in Christchurch’s Hagley Park. The obnoxiously passionate Crusaders supporter would not let on what he was so pleased about, but it could be […]
