Do-Gooder’s Head Explodes Upon Hearing That Best Face Masks Are Also Worst For The Environment

Lucy Mayfield's head exploding


Wellington student and all-round do-gooder Lucy Mayfield’s head exploded earlier this week after hearing that the surgical grade blue face masks, designed to be deposited straight into landfill after a few uses, are now considered a top option for reducing the spread of the Big O, also known as the Omicron variant.

Even the highly coveted “N95” masks are disposable and are only good for about five uses before they get biffed in the landfill or flushed out to the ocean. 

Mayfield, the 19 year old who is now recovering from her ordeal at home, says she is completely overwhelmed and does not know what to do next. “I am literally dying right now, what am I supposed to do?”, asked the anti-capitalist, environmentalist, public health activist and “be kind” enthusiast.

“I want to help Jacinda save everyone from Omicron, but I don’t want to contribute to killing the planet in the process!”.

“Caring for the environment and being part of the team of five million are the two main parts of my personality! When I heard about the masks of course my head was going to explode!”

Whakataki tree surgeon and part-time psychologist Dave Barker has recommended that Lucy takes the rest of the week off uni, to relax and maybe watch something light on TV. 

“But I have recommended she doesn’t watch any more Netflix documentaries!” said Barker. “They’ll only remind her of all the other global problems that are out of her control, which will exacerbate the situation and make her head explode again”.

Mayfield told the Whakataki Times that she will take a break from media in general as well to speed up her recovery. “No more Facebook and no more news for a couple of days I think. Except for Jacinda’s press conferences, of course, duh”.

More to come. 

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