ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY GUTTED.
Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau is reportedly heartbroken after the hikoi that swept through the capital this week wrapped up in a single day.
VIEWERS ON DEMAND.
TVNZ executives have reportedly turned to the unlikeliest of consultants to help with their ratings woes – ACT Party leader David Seymour.
FULL STEAM AHEAD!
ACT leader David Seymour is being cheered by Wellington cafe and bar owners today, as tomorrow’s hikoi into the city is likely to provide a much needed boost to small businesses.
IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT.
Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has decided to make the best of an awkward situation by offering the incoming Crown Observer a deal on a reliable, pre-loved Honda Civic.
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“JOHN MY OLD FRIEND”
President Joe Biden has added another memorable gaffe to his repertoire, this time involving former NZ Prime Minister John Key.
The Whakataki Times – potentially somewhat biased politically.
NORMAL PEOPLE WANTED.
The NZ Greens are doing a succession planning exercise this week, where they are attempting to get reasonable people to become members of their party.
COAST IS CLEAR.
After a spicy Waitangi Day up north, Act Leader David Seymour believes it is now safe for him to relax the precautions he’s been taking for the last week or so.
“I knew things could get heated up there, as not too many people at Waitangi were keen to hear what I had to say,” said one of the three heads of the so-called ‘coalition of chaos’.
While not widely reported in the legacy media, Seymour was in fact operating a very advanced forcefield, specifically designed to keep projectile sex toys from colliding into him.
OUTDOORS WITH JAMES.
Outgoing Greens co-leader James Shaw has always harboured a dirty little fossil-fuelled secret ever since he went into environmental politics.
The long-serving MP recently announced he is stepping down from his position as co-leader of the Greens, making room for someone who’s probably not as “pale, stale or male” as he is.
Despite it going against the spirit of his party’s policies, Shaw has revealed that he’s often dreamed about owning the popular kiwi ute, a Toyota Hilux.
STOP THE PRESSES.
In a shock move that no one saw coming, Chloe Swarbrick, the most popular MP in the NZ Green Party, has put her hand up to replace James Shaw as co-leader.
Swarbrick announced her bid yesterday, following media discussion about whether she should be co-leader, or if it should be someone else from the Greens that no-one’s heard of.
Political analysts around the country have been scratching their heads in amazement that a person who is very popular with her party’s members and supporters has said she’ll be the new co-leader.
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