Owner Of Silver Toyota Prius At The End Of His Tether: “I’m Not An Uber!”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National “Just because I’m an Indian bloke with a Prius doesn’t mean you can just hop into my car and assume I’m a bloody uber driver!” Jay Patel has had an absolute gutsful. For the third time this week, a complete stranger has opened the front passenger door of his 2010 Toyota […]
Local Genius Fires Off “Can’t Beat Wellington On A Good Day” Social Media Post
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National “Ha geez, better check how many likes it has now.” Even the galeforce winds would struggle to wipe the smile off Angus Williams’ face this morning. The 28 year-old inner-city public servant had only minutes ago posted a photo of Oriental Parade captioned ‘Can’t beat Wellington on a good day’ on […]
Woman Pronounces Herself Dead After Botched Fake Tan
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local DIY DISASTER! Whakataki local Sophie White, 21, has pronounced herself dead after making a complete hash of applying fake tan to her body. White was looking to be fully brown ahead of a weekend of music festivals and night clubbing, but will now start a completely new life in the South […]
Novak Djokovic On The Phone To Wanaka Couple For Travel Exemption Advice
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport World No.1 men’s tennis player Novak Djokovic has allegedly been in touch with New Zealand travel exemption experts William Willis and Hannah Rawnsley on how they used their wealth and social status to fully flout the law. The Serbian tennis star was refused entry into Australia over a visa vaccine exemption […]
DJ Omicron To Headline Rhythm and Hills Music Festival
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture The Whakataki region’s premier music festival, Rhythm and Hills, announced this morning that British dance music legend DJ Omicron will headline the festival this year. The very vaccinated DJ, responsible for such drum and bass classics as Three Negative Tests, No Symptoms and Everyone At The Festival Has To Be Vaccinated […]
Man Heavily Sedated After Four Beers In The Sun
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Dave McMillian, 44, was not under general anaesthetic for a serious medical procedure today, but to our reporters that’s exactly what it looked like. Neighbours explained to the Whakataki Times that the financial consultant had indulged in his fourth 330mL crafty APA, just as the heat ticked over to 31 degrees […]
Sunblock In Eyes Worse Than Being Pepper Sprayed
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National Cam Jones, 23, was all set for a relaxing summer’s day at Waihi Beach today. But any thoughts of the day being remotely enjoyable were immediately thrown into utter chaos after the construction labourer rubbed sunscreen directly into his eyes. ‘Arrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fucking hell!’, cried Jones, whose eyeballs were now completely on […]
Woman Disappointed With Green Pals Purchase As Out-Of-Stock Purple Cans Look Better On Instagram
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local NEW YEAR’S EVE DISASTER! Alice Robertson, 22, had her New Year’s Eve plans completley derailed this afternoon. “Are you fucking serious? I’m so done!” she barked at an empty shelf in the chiller at Turner’s Liquor Store. Roberston’s severe depressive episode began after confirmation that the Peach Passion Fruit and Soda […]
Disturbing Character On Plane Heeds Every Single Flight Crew Instruction
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National RED FLAG! Graeme Simmons has drawn an unwelcome amount of attention to himself today. Alarm bells went off as the 48 year-old data analyst incomprehensibly chose to obey every single flight crew instruction on an Air New Zealand flight from Napier to Wellington. “I couldn’t help myself. The rules are there […]
Wellington Local Transfers $100 From Savings Ahead Of Ordering Two Craft Beers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National JUST TO BE SAFE. Jacob Bentley had accepted his financial fate this afternoon as he stepped into a painfully trendy bar on Wellington’s Cuba Street. Bentley, a 31-year-old plasterer currently flatting in the Wellington suburb of Mornington, made the trip into town to catch up with an old mate. “We hadn’t […]
