Really, Really Unpredictable Outcome For Rich, Privileged Aucklanders
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Opinion Whakataki locals were shocked to find out this week that a very well-off couple from Auckland, who blatantly broke lockdown rules by taking a private flight to the Whakataki lakes district, had managed to get away with minor fines. 35-year-old property investor and horse enthusiast, Wilson Willeston was convicted and fined […]
Four-Year-Old Loses All Trust In Father After Being Pinched By Bicycle Helmet Click Buckle
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Whakataki Dad Kelvin Wells is in the dog box today, going from hero to villain in the eyes of his four-year-old daughter Emma. The 38 year-old father of two began his weeklong stay in said dog box after carelessly breaking his promise to Emma that he would not pinch the skin […]
Newly Engaged Couple Happy With The Subtlety Level Achieved Through Ring Placement In Social Media Announcement
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National Newly engaged Auckland pair, Nicole Gillies and Hamish Wright have achieved what many thought was impossible. Their engagement announcement photo (uploaded to social media over the weekend) featured Nicole’s engagement ring positioned so precisely in the frame, that their message to friends and family was neither too understated, nor too in-your-face […]
Wellington Law Grad Goes Full Year Without Having To Report Any Sexual Misconduct
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National It has been a bewildering year for Hannah Cooper, 22, of Wellington. The Victoria University law-graduate was today celebrating her first year in the job at Randall-McClay and also celebrating the fact she went the full year without being sexually harrassed by a much older male solicitor at the firm. “Yeah, […]
Woman Sinks To New Low With $6 Bottle Of Wine Ahead Of $10 Corkage
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local Amelia Webster was momentarily paralysed today. The Whakataki Times can reveal that the incident occured when the 25 year-old kindergarten aide received the following message in her Facebook group chat of old high-school friends: “Hey lovelies! Just a heads up that corkage will be $10 tonight. This was the only place […]
Local Mum Interrupts All Blacks Game To Ask Husband And Son Whether Dan Carter’s Playing
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport Whakataki mother of three, Vicki Matthews has embarrassed herself over the weekend by demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge about New Zealand’s national game. “Ohhhh God Vicki!” Husband Daryl’s and son Michael’s heads dropped into their hands, as Vicki asked them whether Dan Carter, who hasn’t played for the All Blacks […]
Quiet Guy In The Office Makes A Splash With Large-Scale Purchase Of Christmas Cookies
Dave Gallagher isn’t used to causing this much of a stir. The 47 year-old credit controller from Hamilton’s Data-Corp was the toast of the office today, with his spontaneous purchase of 1.2kg of CookieTime Christmas Cookies. “Make it four!” yelled the now office legend, reaching for four 300 g buckets, one of each of the […]
Local Woman Forgets Reusable Shopping Bags Again, Adds Another Tier To The Pile In The Garage
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Local NOT HER DAY. Whakataki local Olivia Bancroft should be approached with caution this morning. “Oh every fuckin time! I’m sick of this shit!” screeched the 43 year-old as the supermarket doors nearly slid on her. Her sudden outburst caught the ears of the Whakataki Times reporters, who kept their distance while […]
Cross-fit Gym Cancels Bloke’s Membership After His Repeated Failure To Post Workout Pics On Instagram
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Editor Whakataki fitness enthusiast Jayden Connolly, 29, has been unceremoniously dumped by his crossfit gym, Fit Freak Elite, for essentially not fitting the profile of the average crossfitter. According to an email from Fit Freak Elite, Connolly had failed to meet the expectation that he give the gym free social media exposure […]
Rangitoto Island Mentally Prepares Himself For Another Summer Of Tedious Mission Bay Instagram Stories
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture Rangitoto Island has had another dose of déjà vu today. It came about after 20 year-old Ruby Walters tagged him in her hastily uploaded photo to Instagram. ‘Ughhh” he sighed while talking to the Whakataki Times reporters. “Ruby Walters? Who the hell is that? Oh geez, not that caption”, as he […]
