Single Millennial Maintains Valentine’s Is A Fake Holiday And Is Happy Being Alone
NO I’M FINE.
32 year old Josie Warden has hardened her position on the polarising Valentine’s holiday debate, characterising the day as a scam perpetuated by the chocolate and flower industries.
The senior marketing manager at JSI (Just Sell It) also maintained, without any prompting at all, that she was totally fine and happy with her life with no significant other.
“Look, this is obvious, right? No one actually wants this so-called ‘holiday’. It just creates an unnecessary expectation for people to buy stuff,” she explained while appearing totally fine.
One Week After Waitangi Seymour Now Safe To Power Down Dildo Forcefield
COAST IS CLEAR.
After a spicy Waitangi Day up north, Act Leader David Seymour believes it is now safe for him to relax the precautions he’s been taking for the last week or so.
“I knew things could get heated up there, as not too many people at Waitangi were keen to hear what I had to say,” said one of the three heads of the so-called ‘coalition of chaos’.
While not widely reported in the legacy media, Seymour was in fact operating a very advanced forcefield, specifically designed to keep projectile sex toys from colliding into him.
2023 Rangi Ruru Head Girl Wondering Why New Auckland Uni Mates Don’t Care What School She Went To
YOU DON’T KNOW RANGI???
Last year’s Rangi Ruru head girl has come crashing back down to earth already in 2024.
Samantha Almati, 18, has been a high achiever her whole life, and has revelled in the accolades that have followed.
2023 was a particular high point, as she flaunted her head girl status at Rangi Ruru Girls’ High School all around the Christchurch social scene.
Cowardly Dishwasher Washes Half The Dishes And Blames Person Who Loaded It
WHERE’S THE ACCOUNTABILITY?
A Fisher and Paykel dishwasher is pointing fingers today after failing to complete the job that it was named to do.
The dishwasher located in a student flat on Ada Street, Palmerston North, carried out its regular cycle at 10.20 this morning, but somehow left food and drink on half the cups and plates.
Sarah Miller, 20, instantly suggested her flatmate Jared had loaded the dishwasher incorrectly, while the dishwasher sat silently making no attempt to take responsibility for a poor job.
Rogue Cricket Fan Working At Reserve Bank Prints Off $100k Worth Of King Kane Twenties
CRICKET ROYALTY.
Duncan Goodham, a self-proclaimed cricket fanatic and low-level employee at the country’s Reserve Bank in Wellington, went rogue from his normal duties today, and decided to honour arguably New Zealand’s best ever cricketer Kane Williamson.
Inspired by Williamson’s 31st test century yesterday, Goodham has immortalised the Blackcaps batsman on the nation’s currency. The cricket extremist was able to gain access to the Reserve Bank printing press, and managed to replace the face of the late Queen Elizabeth on New Zealand’s $20 note.
James Shaw Finally Free To Buy That Ute He’s Always Wanted
OUTDOORS WITH JAMES.
Outgoing Greens co-leader James Shaw has always harboured a dirty little fossil-fuelled secret ever since he went into environmental politics.
The long-serving MP recently announced he is stepping down from his position as co-leader of the Greens, making room for someone who’s probably not as “pale, stale or male” as he is.
Despite it going against the spirit of his party’s policies, Shaw has revealed that he’s often dreamed about owning the popular kiwi ute, a Toyota Hilux.
Smug Millennial Interrupts Test Cricket Viewers With Textbook “Who’s Winning?” Enquiry
“URRRGHHH”
Wellington-based HR advisor Ruby Galbraith has done it again today, after noticing colleagues Sam Ellison and Josh Orr enjoying free-to-air test cricket in the office break room.
Knowing exactly what she was doing, the 31 year old callously asked them the most annoying question possible during a five day test match.
“Oh hey guys, ooh cricket huh? Who’s winning?”
OUT OF THE BLUE: Most Popular And Recognisable Green MP Puts Hand Up For Leadership
STOP THE PRESSES.
In a shock move that no one saw coming, Chloe Swarbrick, the most popular MP in the NZ Green Party, has put her hand up to replace James Shaw as co-leader.
Swarbrick announced her bid yesterday, following media discussion about whether she should be co-leader, or if it should be someone else from the Greens that no-one’s heard of.
Political analysts around the country have been scratching their heads in amazement that a person who is very popular with her party’s members and supporters has said she’ll be the new co-leader.
Parent Makes Teenager Go To School Even Though He Didn’t Feel Like It Today
SHOCKING!
An Upper Hutt parent has shocked the school community at Hutt High School today, after making sure his 15 year old son went to school, even though he didn’t want to.
Mark Ramsay, 45, drove his son Jacob to the school gates this morning and watched him walk through the main building. This was despite a lengthy argument previously, where Jacob moaned and grunted about not wanting to go, citing both mental health and the long term social impact of the covid lockdowns two years ago.
GREENS LEADERSHIP RACE: Golriz Tipped To Steal Top Spot
CATCH ME IF YOU CAN.
Beloved former Green MP Golriz Gahrahman may not be done with politics just yet.
With the white cis man James Shaw stepping down from his party co-leader position, Golriz now has the chance to swoop in and steal the top job.
Insiders at the NZ Green Party have said Ms. Gahrahman is “always unpredictable” and “known to take things that don’t belong to her”.
