Concerns Over Powerade Shortage as Christmas Hangovers Linger
WHAT A HEADACHE!
As the nation prepares for an absolute rager this New Year’s, there is widespread public concern that enduring Christmas hangovers could be set to spoil the fun. The Whakataki Times spoke to locals, to get their take on this issue of national significance.
“The most pressing concern for all of us at the moment is a local shortage of Powerade,” lamented Whakataki Business Association Chair, Garrett Veitch.
The influx of holiday-makers to Whakataki this season had proved a boon for local bottle shops and campgrounds, Veitch explained, “but our local dairies and Four Squares have struggled to meet the need for blue energy drinks.”
Man Follows Up Christmas Lunch With Shame-Induced Boxing Day Run
MAKING UP FOR IT.
Taupo based Christmas overeater Matt Murchison is trying to make amends today.
True to form, the 31 year old absolutely gorged himself on rich foods and desserts yesterday, so much so that he woke up this morning with what he described as a “food hangover”, which he layered over top of his regular hangover.
“God I felt average this morning. Like two hangovers at the same time. Something had to be done,” he said, clearly feeling the shame of it all.
Uncle Doesn’t Muck Around Getting Obnoxiously Hammered At Christmas Lunch
CHRISTMAS CARNAGE.
Craig Mitchell wasted no time diving headfirst into the festive spirits at his sister Claire’s house in Nelson today..
The 58 year-old, who once again had not offered to host Christmas at his house, turned up with a 12 pack of beers and looked more than ready to signal the commencement of another hot Kiwi Christmas.
“Cheers, everyone! Let the festivities begin!” boomed Uncle Craig, cracking open his first beer before anyone else had thought about a drink.
35 Year-Old Still Very Pleased To Receive Rebel Sport Voucher For Christmas
CHRISTMAS CLASSIC.
Matt Simmonds, a 35-year-old from Nelson has once again found himself delighting in the familiar embrace of a Rebel Sport voucher, courtesy of his well-meaning parents.
“Every year, without fail, I get this Rebel Sport voucher from Mum and Dad. It’s like clockwork. It’s a $50 one this year too, most of my twenties it was just in that $30 range” Matt chuckled, his eyes twinkling with the mirth of a man who knows the annual Rebel Sport voucher routine all too well.
Ungrateful Cat Doesn’t Bother Showing Up For Christmas Even Though We Got Him A Present
Upper Hutt-based tabby, Reggie is in the running for grinch of the year this year.
The three year old tom cat has disappointed his family for the second year running after not making an appearance at the Christmas morning present unwrapping.
The Thompsons, from the suburb of Totara Park, do the first part of their gift giving at 7 o’clock on Christmas morning, as this is about as long as the kids can control themselves.
Christmas Anger Predicted If New Home Owners Do Not Receive Mitre 10 Vouchers
BANKING ON IT.
Steve and Amber Jacobs bought their house just over a year ago now, but are still in dire need of DIY resources.
The couple received vouchers for Mitre 10 and Bunnings last Christmas and found them extensively useful for buying house and garden tools – things that you would never need while flatting.
“Got vouchers from both our parents and Amber’s brother and they were just what we needed,” said Steve, 32, a customer service team leader.
Strung Out 7-Year-Old Enters Seventh Night on Santa Watch
UP PAST BEDTIME!
The nights seem to be getting longer for Dylan Moffat, whose determination to spot Santa’s magical flying sleigh has resulted in serious sleep deprivation.
Speaking to this reporter, the 7-year-old was visibly strung out. Eyes as red as Rudolph’s nose were the most obvious sign that this kid may have been up past bedtime, but the reality was much harsher.
Secret Santa Snob Begins Rehearsals of “OMG, I Love It!”
I’VE ALWAYS WANTED…THAT.
Former Whakataki resident and renowned snob, Amelia Cunningham, is set to reprise her role as the grateful gift receiver this Christmas, when her family will gather to perform Secret Santa.
In a defiant commitment to tradition and total denial of inflation, the Cunningham family’s Secret Santa spending limit of $5 has seen an overall decline in the quality of gifts over the years. Where once a large box of Roses was standard, predictions for 2023 suggest gifts may peak at a small pack of Favourites.
Golf Widow Cruelly Insists Husband’s New Driver Stays Under Tree Until Christmas
PUTTING HER FOOT DOWN.
Jen Fraser’s strict Christmas rules are set to prevent her husband from unleashing his new driver at his Christmas golf competition this weekend.
The patient mother of three has supported husband Adam’s weekly golf hobby all year, actively encouraging him to play with his mates regularly.
She’s even agreed to purchase him a new $900 driver for Christmas, but she’s drawn the line at allowing him to open it before the actual day.
“All I Want For Christmas Is To Be Left TF Alone”
DECK YOUR OWN HALLS, MUM!
Jodi Cullum, a 30-year-old middle manager notorious for her resting bitch face, is hoping to avoid family Christmas celebrations and instead enjoy some time alone.
Cullum has spent the last 12 months battling through employee disputes, policy changes and personal grievances at work, and her personal life has been plagued by Bumble bungles and Tinder terrors. All in all, 2023 has been a year in which she felt everything other than thriving.
As we approach the holiday season, Cullum says the only thing that could make her year worse would be to spend time with her parents. But what is she seeking instead of some holiday cheer? “A box of wine and some peace and bloody quiet.”
