Diocesan School Girl Fascinated By The Concept Of A Household Budget
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture INTO THE UNKNOWN Hannah Spratt has often been top of her class in fifth form economics at Diocesan School for Girls. However the 16 year-old, who attends the private Auckland girls school at $26,335 a year, was caught off guard when her economics teacher introduced the concept of a ‘household budget’. […]
Ram Raider Pulls Over For Police Car Instead Of Thinking He Was Playing Grand Theft Auto
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National CHANGE OF HEART Auckland based ram raider Jayden Giles has miraculously avoided injury by coming to the curious realisation that reality is different from video games. After he and three accomplices smashed and grabbed $300 worth of vape products from a local corner store, Giles suddenly spotted a police car in […]
Woman Flips The Script On Relationship Status By Debuting New Boyfriend On Instagram
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MAKING IT OFFICIAL Emma Harrison made a huge power play on Instagram today. The 26 year-old had been dating casually over the past few years, while still appearing single on her social media, but decided that now was the time to introduce her new boyfriend Jake to the virtual world. After […]
Wet Weather Aggravates Local Dad Who Hasn’t Been Able To Get The Lawns Done
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local DAD’S IN A BAD MOOD Lower Hutt father of three, Darren Donaldson was in a foul mood this morning, as today marks the third weekend in a row where he hasn’t been able to mow the lawns. As the rain came down, Donaldson looked out his window and snarled at the […]
Man On Train Makes Eye Contact, Smiles And Says Hello To Metlink Passenger Operator
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local UNHEARD OF! William Segal, a regular passenger on the Hutt Valley express train to Wellington, has allegedly been engaging in friendly, brief interactions with Metlink staff. Witnesses claim Segal regularly “makes eye contact, smiles and says hello to train staff” as they carry out their regular practice of scanning snapper cards. […]
Mai FM Host Outraged That Helping Criminals Cover Up Crime Is Also Considered Crime
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FROM TOP OF THE CHARTS TO BOTTOM BUNK Former Mai FM morning host Nate Nauer has had a frustrating day at Auckland District Court today, as he was handed a prison sentence for money laundering. Nauer was sentenced to two years and nine months jail for the crime. However this sentence […]
Aucklander Totally Unmoved By Constant Heckling About Being From Auckland
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National MENTAL FORTRESS Shaun Purvis is a proud Aucklander, born and raised in the City of Sails. But the 29 year-old, who had recently moved to Nelson, had his patience tested regularly by those remarking about the fact he was originally from New Zealand’s largest city, seemingly judging him on that fact […]
Man Who Has Not Been To The Gym In Months Fraudulently Carries Around Red CityFitness Bag
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local ALL THE TREATS BUT NO MAHI 25 year old Ryan Ellison flagrantly misled the public last Friday, as he used his red CityFitness gym bag as an overnight bag. This was despite not using the bag to actually carry his gym clothes in over three months. The deceptive sales rep carried […]
Pie And Can Of V Found To Be Most Nutritionally Optimal Breakfast For Tradies
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS A new study from the NZ Nutrition Foundation has reluctantly discovered that the traditional healthy breakfast of cereals, grains and fruit is not the killer combo we all thought it was. It found that a pie and a can of V energy drink contained the perfect balance of […]
Local Winger Locks In Another Weekend Of Not Having To Wash His Rugby Gear
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport HAIRDO STILL INTACT Johnny Driscoll looked like he’d stepped out of a commercial for laundry detergent following today’s club rugby match in Christchurch. That’s because the 25 year-old winger had somehow managed to stay miraculously clean, despite his teammates being covered head to toe in mud. The casual observer would be […]
