Flatmates Grumble About The Cost Of Living While Enjoying Third Takeaway This Week
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture IT ALL ADDS UP Isaac Barnham and flatmate Sarah Tilley were enjoying a quiet night in, when the topic of food and fuel prices popped into their conversation. “God, I spent $130 on petrol today. The tank wasn’t even that empty!” said Mr Barnham in disgust. “Just another cost ay, how […]
Kiwi Complaining About Stop-Start NBA Forgets About Rugby’s Endless Scrum Resets
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GET ON WITH IT Lachie Clarke was growing impatient with today’s NBA basketball game between the LA Lakers and the Memphis Grizzlies. “Why do they keep stopping the game? It’s ruining the flow!” Clarke bellowed at the TV as the Lakers coach opted to use up one of his many timeouts. […]
Great News! Inflation Is Down, Which Means The Cost Of Everything Only Went Up By 1.2% This Time!
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local GET OUT THE CHAMPAGNE! New Zealand’s citizens rejoiced today as we are informed that annual inflation has PLUMMETED to 6.7%. There have been widespread reports of people “dancing in the street” as they found out that the cost of living, which obviously increased significantly in the last three months, had not […]
Public Servant Tacks On “Going Forward” To End Of Sentence To Increase Perceived Intelligence
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “MOVING INTO THE FUTURE” James Tilford, a Wellington-based middle manager, dazzled colleagues with his mastery of the spoken word at this morning’s leadership hui. The 45 year old was able to attach intelligent-sounding phrases to the end of sentences in such a way that elevated his professional standing to new heights. […]
Aucklander Continues To Say Traffic Isn’t That Bad, Despite Reality
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “OH IT’S NOT THAT BAD” Tommy Ridge’s drive from Albany to Manukau should take around 25 minutes. But today, like many other days this week, he’s on track to make his morning commute nearly an hour and a half worth of stop-start driving. Despite the 27 year-old making his way through […]
Local Teen Who Enjoyed Harry Potter As A Child Moves On With Life As An Adult
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture A NEW CHAPTER Year 13 student Ellie Warburton is bright-eyed and optimistic about her final year at high school, and will likely begin her first year at uni next year. She is keen to try her hand at “adulting”, (which means doing “adult things”) as she will actually be an adult […]
Wellington Eco Warrior Cancels Coffee Date After Forgetting Keep Cup
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture JUST DON’T THROW AWAY THE ROMANCE Emily Patterson, 31, today made the devastating call to cancel a mid morning coffee date, after realising at 10.20am that her prized Frank Green keep cup was nowhere to be found. The last-minute cancellation put the kibosh on plans to explore her connection with new beau, […]
Woman Claims Short Week Feels Long Because She’s Tried To Cram More In
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS DOESN’T IT” Wellington based comms advisor Jacqui Dalton gave her colleagues something to think about today, as she confidently claimed that despite having Easter Monday off, this week still felt long. “You always look forward to the short weeks don’t you, but they always end up feeling just […]
World Awkwardly Pretends Dalai Lama Is Totally Fine And Does Not Need To Be Investigated
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World GROSS! As video of the Dalai Lama emerges showing him publicly forcing a young boy to kiss him on the lips and then saying “now suck my tongue”, the media have reacted with a collective “ooh that’s a bit yucky”. While any normal person who judges reality by what they can […]
Teen Gives Up Ram Raiding For Good After Copping An Earful From Graham Bell
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National “SCRUFFY LITTLE THUG” Connor Whitfield, 16, is a destructive little rat who has managed to get away with ram raiding several times now. During his latest smash and grab at a dairy in Auckland though, he was greeted by none other than retired Detective Inspector Graham Bell of Police Ten 7 […]
