HOLLYWOOD HORROR: Rieko Ioane Set To Haunt Irish Dreams In Freddy Krueger Reboot
NIGHTMARE ON O’CONNELL STREET.
All Blacks centre Rieko Ioane has reportedly signed a deal with Newline Cinema to star in the latest instalment of the Freddy Krueger horror movie franchise.
Wellington Man Buys $19 Beer And Pretends Everything Is Fine
DAYLIGHT ROBBERY.
Shaun McHardy pretended not to feel emotionally gutted by the transaction he made today.
Kiwi Bloke Couldn’t Give A Fuck About The US Election
NO SKIN IN THE GAME.
Jakob Hammond, a 29-year-old electrician from Christchurch, has expressed zero interest in the political events happening at the moment in the United States.
Local Woman Instantly Forgets About Animal Welfare After Boyfriend’s Trifecta Comes In
YUP TO THE CUP.
Wellington woman Rosie Neilson, 26, experienced a miraculous ethical transformation this afternoon.
England Player Facing Disciplinary Measures For Scoring Try Instead Of Kicking Drop Goal
GOING OFF SCRIPT.
In the wake of their nail-biting 24-22 defeat by the All Blacks at Twickenham, England’s coaching staff have quickly turned to serious internal matters.
Girlfriend Knows She Won’t Be Seeing Boyfriend Until Three Hours After ‘Be Home Soon’ Text
GIRL MATH
Matt Tate, 29, has once again told a white lie to his girlfriend Emily.
Bloke In His Thirties Confirms Lynx Africa Still Does The Job
CORE OF HIS IDENTITY.
Luke Poole, 34, of Christchurch, has come forward to confirm that Lynx Africa, the iconic body spray of teenage bedrooms still packs enough punch to “get the job done.”
English Rugby Guy Predictably Has Some Kind Of Issue With The Haka
LIKE CLOCKWORK.
Impeccably timed as always, an English person has made a big deal about the haka right before an England vs All Blacks test match.
LAST ROLL OF THE DICE: TVNZ Welcomes Tim Naki As Head Of Investments
MANIFEST 30 MILLI.
TVNZ has announced their bold new strategy to get them out of financial ruin,appointing degenerate gambler Tim Naki as the new Head of Investments.
Indian Economy Collapsing As Quickly As Their Batting Order After First Test Series Loss To New Zealand
RUPEE IN FREEFALL.
The Indian economy is rumoured to be in absolute freefall, mirroring the nation’s dismal performance in the second test match against the Black Caps, who took a 2-0 series lead and victory in India.
