National-Led Government Set To Make Every Single New Zealander Instantly Take Up Smoking
INEVITABLE.
The National-led “coalition of chaos” has horrified journalists at home and abroad this week.
They have just announced a despicable plan to reverse a super smart smokefree law put in place by the best prime minister New Zealand’s ever had, Jacinda Ardern.
The law-reversal means that future generations will be able to legally purchase tobacco in a regulated market if they choose to.
Some thoughtless people will shrug at this development. But what many don’t understand is that this will in fact mean every single New Zealander will now instantly take up smoking as a result.
Corporate Bloke Alone In Office Resists Teenage Urge To Draw Massive C And B On Whiteboard
WOULD STILL BE FUNNY.
Auckland based data analyst Stephen Walgrave has shown tremendous self control today, in a situation many men have found themselves in during their teenage years.
The advertising sales office where he worked was empty for the day, as many were away on various training courses. The 32 year old, alone in one of the meeting rooms, was faced with a totally clear whiteboard, a brand new black marker, and only one thing on his mind.
“It was like I had just been transported back 15 years to Palmy Boys High,” he said, still slightly flustered. “All those familiar urges came rushing back.”
Smug Millennial Gets To Work On Arsenal Of Memes About So-Called Coalition Of Chaos
THIS IS WAR.
Wellington-based 31 year old Ruby Galbraith has a new calling in life, now that the country has swung back in the other direction politically.
Refusing to believe that the swing has actually happened, Galbraith now has the mammoth task of convincing anyone who’ll listen that the new coalition government is going to destroy New Zealand.
“Haha, are you serious? Those three are a ticking time bomb. R.I.P Aotearoa,” she laughed enthusiastically, referring to Christopher Luxon, Winston Peters and David Seymour.
Veteran Club Cricketer A Bit Too Keen On Younger Teammates Showering Nude
GET YA KIT OFF YOUNG FELLA.
The enthusiasm of a local club cricketer for junior teammates to shower fully nude in the communal showers is beginning to raise eyebrows around the team.
Jeff O’Shea prides himself on being a culture man for the Hamilton Old Boys 3rd division side. At 39 years old, he’s played for the club more than 300 times, and is a former secretary and club captain.
A larger than life character, in recent times O’Shea has grown frustrated by the increasing number of teammates showering in their underwear after a day’s play.
Seymour And Peters Complete Kindergarten Course On Sharing And Playing Nicely
ON THE SAME PAGE
David Seymour and Winston Peters are set to get along better than most New Zealanders expected.
Both famously known for being difficult, Seymour and Peters will now take turns in the role of Deputy Prime Ministers, in a tag-team arrangement that has raised more than a few eyebrows.
It turns out that it wasn’t just the negotiations holding things up, it was also the time it took for the two new government MPs to complete a two day course in sharing and playing nicely.
MBIE Employee Who Hates Job Anyway Fizzing For Government Spending Cuts
LESSGOOO!
Wellington based HR advisor Tory Hopkins is weirdly excited about the new National / Act / NZ First government taking an axe to the public service once they get started.
The 25 year old MBIE employee has been energised ever since David Seymour mentioned slashing MBIE’s staffing numbers in half.
“It could be me!” she said excitedly, as she scrolled the Jetstar site for cheap flights to Aussie. “Fingers crossed! Been thinking about whether this job’s for me for a while now. Be good to get a little extra push out the door.”
Christopher Luxon Delivers Full Cooked Breakfast To Visiting National MPs In Under Two Minutes
POLITICS ON SPEED.
In an effort to showcase his efficiency and commitment to his party, PM elect Christopher Luxon decided he’d showcase his snap decision-making.
Luxon has been constantly questioned by NZ media this week about why the Coalition process has been taking longer than the media want, so he thought he’d show his ministers just what he’s made of.
This culinary spectacle involved Luxon personally preparing a full cooked breakfast for visiting National MPs in Auckland, all in under two minutes. Chris Bishop and Nicola Willis were first in line for a feed.
Seymour Hot Favourite To Win Deputy Prime Minister In Final Twerk Battle
THE LAST DANCE.
New Zealand’s Deputy Prime Minister position is set to be determined not by policy debates or parliamentary prowess but by a battle of the twerks between the two hopefuls, David Seymour and Winston Peters.
ACT Party leader David Seymour is tipped to win after having already showcased his twerking live on national television during Dancing with the Stars in 2018.
Christopher Luxon said a twerking comp was the obvious choice for deciding who would be his deputy. “Oh look it’s something fun, it’s all the rage on social media. I think a twerk battle between two seasoned politicians is exactly what the country needs right now.
Poll Shows Most Kiwis Don’t Need Daily Media Updates Reminding Them We Don’t Have A Government Yet
WE KNOW.
Media outlets around New Zealand are sticking to their guns after a poll showed New Zealanders don’t need regular reminders that government negotiations are ongoing.
A Roy Morgan poll found 99% of Kiwis know that a government hasn’t been formed yet. The 1% that doesn’t know is thought to be infant children that cannot speak and do not understand elections.
At the same time, reporters have continued to find new ways of saying nothing has happened, often focusing updates on regular daily occurrences like someone having lunch or walking out of a building.
John Key Haunted Once More As Coalition Talks Compared To 2011 Handshake Humiliation
THREEWAY 2.0.
Former New Zealand Prime Minister Sir John Key woke up in a cold sweat this morning, as he was haunted not by the ghosts of his former Cabinet Ministers, but by the eerie echoes of a handshake gone awry at the 2011 Rugby World Cup.
Just after the Webb Ellis Cup was presented to then-All Blacks’ captain Richie McCaw, an embarrassing three-way handshake was broadcast across the world. The handshake was between Sir John Key, Sir Richie McCaw, and Bernard Lapasset, an old rugby board chairman, who nobody really knew.
As the nation anxiously awaits the outcome of the coalition talks between the National Party’s Christopher Luxon, ACT’s David Seymour, and the ever-unpredictable Winston Peters, political pundits couldn’t help but draw parallels to Key’s cringe-worthy handshake debacle.
