Local Bloke Left Alone For Two Seconds Inevitably Starts Performing His Imaginary Golf Swing
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GHOST OPEN CHAMPIONSHIP Greg Adams has always had an uncanny obsession with golf. The 30 year-old Aucklander has never actually been any good at it, but would still torture himself most weekends by playing nine holes with friends, which always seemed like it took all day. But when not on the […]
Man Returning From Holiday Quietly Relieved His Home Hasn’t Been Totally Ransacked By Criminals
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local TV’S STILL THERE Before Simon Morgan went for his week-long trip to Taupo earlier this month, he made sure he took all the necessary steps to keep his house and its contents secure. Doors were locked, windows checked, and the security alarm was set, all so he could have peace of […]
Gore Council Succeeds In Making Gore Slightly Interesting To Rest Of New Zealand
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National PRIDE OF THE SOUTH Gore Council, a local government council that the rest of New Zealand has historically not cared about at all, has made headlines recently. Normally a place that is the butt of jokes, a bit like Hamilton and Palmy, Gore is in the news because their new mayor […]
Instagram Business Coach Claims She Can Help You Make It In Business Despite Never Running A Successful Business
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “SO A LOT OF YOU HAVE BEEN ASKING ME” Self-proclaimed Instagram business coach Sophie Saunders possesses an uncanny ability to make her followers believe that she has the secret to entrepreneurial success, despite never running a successful business herself in any way, shape or form. Saunders’ bio reads “Business Coach Extraordinaire. […]
Kiwi Living In Australia Haunted On A Daily Basis By The Phrase “Fish And Chips”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | World “FUSH AND CHUPS” Kade Stevens did not know that one phrase would soon become his personal torment whilst living in Australia. The 25 year-old recently moved over to the Gold Coast in hope of better work opportunities and better money. However the born and bred Kiwi would often find himself engaged […]
Local Bloke Spends Entire Party Figuring Out How To Exit Conversations Gracefully
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture EXIT STRATEGY Kyle Gray was not expecting to feel awkward at a friend’s place he’d been to many times before. But given it was his best mate’s girlfriend’s 30th birthday party, it was always going to mean there would be people attending who he hadn’t met before. Entering a crowded lounge, […]
Normally Kind Old Lady Gets Behind The Wheel And Unleashes Torrent Of Expletives At Multiple Drivers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “FARRKIN INDICATE C***!” 80 year old Mavis Anderson underwent a total personality transformation this morning, when she hopped in the driver’s seat of her Mazda 2. While normally cheerful and happy to see you, Mavis apparently becomes a red hot ball of rage whenever she’s behind the wheel. Grandson Jackson was […]
Bloke On Hold For Over An Hour Beginning To Doubt That His Call Is Important To Them
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local IS IT THOUGH?? Jayden Gardner, a 29 year old plumber from Hamilton, is beginning to question the narrative being fed to him by an automated voice message over the phone. Gardner has been on hold for over an hour waiting to talk to his Kiwisaver provider about changing his investment settings. […]
Man Sitting On Train Uses Power Of Positive Thinking To Stop People From Sitting Down Next To Him
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY After a long day as a service delivery officer in a government agency that doesn’t even need to be specified, Logan Goulburn, 27, wanted nothing more than to zone out on the train without disruption. More specifically, Goulburn wanted at least 40 centimetres of personal space between himself […]
Wellingtonian On Auckland Trip Gets Quick Win By Moaning About Auckland Coffee
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST NOT THE SAME Angus Booker is known for his love of good coffee and unwavering loyalty to the coffee culture of Wellington. For a long time Booker has believed Wellington has the best coffee in New Zealand and was sceptical when his friends said that Auckland had some “good coffee […]
