Public Servant Tacks On “Going Forward” To End Of Sentence To Increase Perceived Intelligence
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “MOVING INTO THE FUTURE” James Tilford, a Wellington-based middle manager, dazzled colleagues with his mastery of the spoken word at this morning’s leadership hui. The 45 year old was able to attach intelligent-sounding phrases to the end of sentences in such a way that elevated his professional standing to new heights. […]
Aucklander Continues To Say Traffic Isn’t That Bad, Despite Reality
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “OH IT’S NOT THAT BAD” Tommy Ridge’s drive from Albany to Manukau should take around 25 minutes. But today, like many other days this week, he’s on track to make his morning commute nearly an hour and a half worth of stop-start driving. Despite the 27 year-old making his way through […]
Local Teen Who Enjoyed Harry Potter As A Child Moves On With Life As An Adult
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture A NEW CHAPTER Year 13 student Ellie Warburton is bright-eyed and optimistic about her final year at high school, and will likely begin her first year at uni next year. She is keen to try her hand at “adulting”, (which means doing “adult things”) as she will actually be an adult […]
Wellington Eco Warrior Cancels Coffee Date After Forgetting Keep Cup
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture JUST DON’T THROW AWAY THE ROMANCE Emily Patterson, 31, today made the devastating call to cancel a mid morning coffee date, after realising at 10.20am that her prized Frank Green keep cup was nowhere to be found. The last-minute cancellation put the kibosh on plans to explore her connection with new beau, […]
Woman Claims Short Week Feels Long Because She’s Tried To Cram More In
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS DOESN’T IT” Wellington based comms advisor Jacqui Dalton gave her colleagues something to think about today, as she confidently claimed that despite having Easter Monday off, this week still felt long. “You always look forward to the short weeks don’t you, but they always end up feeling just […]
World Awkwardly Pretends Dalai Lama Is Totally Fine And Does Not Need To Be Investigated
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World GROSS! As video of the Dalai Lama emerges showing him publicly forcing a young boy to kiss him on the lips and then saying “now suck my tongue”, the media have reacted with a collective “ooh that’s a bit yucky”. While any normal person who judges reality by what they can […]
Teen Gives Up Ram Raiding For Good After Copping An Earful From Graham Bell
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National “SCRUFFY LITTLE THUG” Connor Whitfield, 16, is a destructive little rat who has managed to get away with ram raiding several times now. During his latest smash and grab at a dairy in Auckland though, he was greeted by none other than retired Detective Inspector Graham Bell of Police Ten 7 […]
Warriors Fan Living In Constant Fear That Season Will Crumble At Any Moment
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TREADING ON EGGSHELLS Jason McHardy loves nothing more than watching his beloved One NZ Warriors, especially given the way they’re playing this year. The Warriors fourth win in five games has put them right near the top of the ladder heading into tomorrow’s away game against the Newcastle Knights, a team […]
Feijoa Season Brings About Yearly Debate Over Whether They’re Delicious Or Disgusting
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National THE FEIJOA FEUDS New Zealanders have once again been consumed by the great debate on feijoas. The seasonal fruit, which only grows for the best part of a month around late March and April, often divides Kiwis. It seems those who love them can’t get enough of them, while on the […]
Woman Who Successfully Makes Smoothie In Blender Convinced She Is Now A Nutrition Influencer
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture INSTAGRAM HEALTH GURU Sophie Williams is convinced she’s unlocked some sort of hidden secret to good health. The 27 year-old, who has no qualifications in nutrition, threw some spinach, a banana, and almond milk into her Nutribullet and pushed down to blend. After making her first smoothie, she couldn’t believe how […]
