Local Bloke Spends Entire Party Figuring Out How To Exit Conversations Gracefully
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture EXIT STRATEGY Kyle Gray was not expecting to feel awkward at a friend’s place he’d been to many times before. But given it was his best mate’s girlfriend’s 30th birthday party, it was always going to mean there would be people attending who he hadn’t met before. Entering a crowded lounge, […]
Normally Kind Old Lady Gets Behind The Wheel And Unleashes Torrent Of Expletives At Multiple Drivers
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local “FARRKIN INDICATE C***!” 80 year old Mavis Anderson underwent a total personality transformation this morning, when she hopped in the driver’s seat of her Mazda 2. While normally cheerful and happy to see you, Mavis apparently becomes a red hot ball of rage whenever she’s behind the wheel. Grandson Jackson was […]
Bloke On Hold For Over An Hour Beginning To Doubt That His Call Is Important To Them
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local IS IT THOUGH?? Jayden Gardner, a 29 year old plumber from Hamilton, is beginning to question the narrative being fed to him by an automated voice message over the phone. Gardner has been on hold for over an hour waiting to talk to his Kiwisaver provider about changing his investment settings. […]
Man Sitting On Train Uses Power Of Positive Thinking To Stop People From Sitting Down Next To Him
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture MANIFEST YOUR DESTINY After a long day as a service delivery officer in a government agency that doesn’t even need to be specified, Logan Goulburn, 27, wanted nothing more than to zone out on the train without disruption. More specifically, Goulburn wanted at least 40 centimetres of personal space between himself […]
Wellingtonian On Auckland Trip Gets Quick Win By Moaning About Auckland Coffee
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST NOT THE SAME Angus Booker is known for his love of good coffee and unwavering loyalty to the coffee culture of Wellington. For a long time Booker has believed Wellington has the best coffee in New Zealand and was sceptical when his friends said that Auckland had some “good coffee […]
Bizarre Sex Trend Emerging Where You Just Sleep With One Person Within Committed Relationship
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture WEIRD As we all know from our culture and media, the most important thing in the world is that every individual expresses their own sexuality to the fullest extent possible. Sex should be casual and fun, have no messy strings attached, and should be without any judgement whatsoever. But a strange […]
Man Attends Meditation Session Instead Of Addressing Long List Of Personal Deficiencies
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture STILL STRESSED Auckland based sales rep Simon Chadwell has tried just about everything to relieve the stress of this modern world. He has learnt how to breathe mindfully, take time out to bathe in nature, and has now just completed his second meditation course. Despite all this, the single 35 year […]
THIRD STRAIGHT LOSS: Warriors Fan Shopping Around For Second NRL Team To Support
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport JUST TO BE SAFE Jason McHardy is in a state of despair after watching the Warriors crash to their third straight defeat. The 28 year-old has been living on a knife’s edge for the past two months, and has been expecting the Warriors season to dramatically fall apart at any second. […]
Chiefs Fan Difficult To Be Around After Tenth Straight Win
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport CHIEFS MANA Ben Fraser was quicker than anyone to take to social media last night. The die-hard Chiefs fan had just watched his team notch up their 10th straight victory of this year’s Super Rugby season, dispatching the Highlanders 52-28 in Dunedin. “10 in a row baby! Just give us the […]
Wellington Motorists Recommended To Keep Bottle Of Acetone In The Car For Removing Those Pesky Protesters
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National HELPFUL ADVICE Motoring expert David Rutherford has a modern solution to a modern problem for Wellington commuters. With the increasing frequency of Wellington traffic being terrorised by protesters sticking their hands to the roads, many have called for the Police to do more. But Rutherford believes that if every motorist takes […]
