Man Leans In To Sunday Hangover By Extending It To Monday
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture JUST EMBRACE IT Sam Westman, a recruitment advisor at a top agency in Hamilton, has taken a novel approach to his semi-frequent Sunday hangover. The 24 year old is by no means drinking as much as he was in his uni days, however he does still find himself dangerously hungover on […]
Woman’s Missing Sock That’s Actually Just Stuck At Bottom Of Washing Machine Completes Fourth Spin Cycle
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture A NEW HOME FOR THE POLKA DOT SOCK Amelia Robinson had wondered where her pink polka dot sock had got to for the last two weeks. After thinking it was freshly laundered in her drawers, she had no idea that the sock had been instead accidentally left in the washing machine, […]
One Eyed Cantab Checks Into Mental Hospital As He Can’t Believe The Crusaders Losing Is Part Of Reality
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport “NONE OF THIS IS REAL” It was a difficult night for the one-eyed Cantabrian Craig Chamberlain, as his beloved Crusaders fell to a 31-10 loss to the Chiefs in their opening Super Rugby match. While Craig’s default reaction to anything is anger, this time was different, as he instead concluded that […]
One Eyed Cantab Confused At TAB Offering Odds On Teams Other Than The Crusaders Winning Super Rugby
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport BOOKIE BLUNDER Craig Chamberlain was working himself up into a fit of rage in Canterbury today. It wasn’t that he was indignant about a selection or non-selection of a Canterbury player or coach for higher honours, but something slightly different. The 56-year-old from Shirley was sitting there shocked and confused to […]
Christchurch Woman Rated As Socially Acceptable After Correctly Answering The “What School Did You Go To?” Question
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture IT MATTERS Monique Gilchrist felt like she was being watched like a hawk over the weekend, as she went for some casual drinks in Papanui, an affluent suburb in Christchurch. The 26 year-old, who was a newcomer to the friend group, felt like the dreaded question “What school did you go […]
Local Woman Who Can’t Keep A Pot Plant Alive Now Talking About Getting Chickens
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local CALL THE SPCA! Aro Valley 25-year-old Lauren Randall has frightened her friend today by suggesting that she would like to be responsible for looking after “a couple of chickens”. The claim comes as New Zealanders experience an increase in the supermarket price of eggs, leading many to start thinking outside the […]
Local Woman Expects Instagram DM Blow Up After Bikini Post At The Beach
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture ULTIMATE FLEX Kelsie McVale, 23, knows what’s coming after flaunting her tanned beach body on social media. She’s expecting a barrage of Instagram direct messages from male followers who have just seen the revealing photo taken at Christchurch’s Sumner beach – a hotspot for people her age during the summer months. […]
Activist Harping On About Carbon Emissions During Cyclone Devastation Is Widely Told To Fuck Off
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National YOUR’E NOT HELPING As the North Island faces the wrath of Cyclone Gabrielle, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake, some are getting their patience tested by an even more formidable foe: climate change activists. Hawkes Bay and Gisborne are currently suffering the most from monumental flooding, power outages, and […]
Gabby From Accounts Naturally Acquires “Cyclone Gabrielle” Nickname
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National “JUST CALL ME GABBY” Gabrielle Norman, an accounting assistant with a Hamilton insurance firm, has reportedly succumbed to the inevitable this week. Despite being known as simply “Gabby” in her office, the 24 year old’s colleagues have expertly connected the dots between her actual first name, and the devastating natural disaster […]
Weather Reporter Outrageously Requests Permission To Do Live Cross From Indoors
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National NO CHANCE A Newshub reporter has ruffled feathers inside a busy newsroom today. Alyse Bates, an Auckland news reporter covering Cyclone Gabrielle, arrogantly asked her producer if she could simply do her live cross inside, where she would be sheltered from the severe rain and wind. The Whakataki Times reporters were […]
