Local Mum Opens Microwave To Discover Cup Of Cold Forgotten Coffee
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local OH THAT’S RIGHT Jenna Strawbridge, an Upper Hutt healthcare worker and mother of two, has uncovered concrete evidence of just how busy and distracted she is in her own home. The 33 year old opened her microwave at around 5.30 last night to quickly cook some frozen peas and carrots, only […]
Chippy Hipkins Jealous That He Can’t Just Ditch Labour And Join The Maori Party
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics NOT FAIR! Prime Minister Chris “Chippy” Hipkins was annoyed today when he found out that another one of his MPs, Meka Whaitiri, had decided to ditch Labour and join Te Pati Maori. However it wasn’t the fact that the party had lost yet another member that annoyed him. He was more […]
AUSSIE VAPE BAN: Kiwi Vape Shop Owner Crossing The Ditch To Start A Life Of Crime
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS Wellington vape shop owner Bryce Renshaw plans to cash in big this year after it was announced the Australian government plans to ban recreational vaping altogether. Renshaw, who has had no trouble selling vape pens from his store on Cuba Street, plans to cross the ditch to where his […]
Tight Contest For Met Gala’s Prize For 2023’s “Creepiest Looking Weirdo”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World TOO CLOSE TO CALL Rihanna, Erykah Badu and Lil Nas X are all in the running to win the coveted “Creepiest Looking Weirdo” prize at this year’s Met Gala. As the world’s elites, celebrities and assorted other rich narcissists come together for the biggest fundraiser of the year, our media makes […]
Wellingtonian Shamed Mercilessly By Flatmates For The Crime Of Drinking Instant Coffee
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture CONVENIENCE OVER CULTURE Alex Dustow, a 19 year old originally from Taranaki, recently moved into a new flat in Wellington’s Aro Valley. After being up bright and early most days for the year’s lectures in the opening semester, he was often out the door to Victoria University, well before his other […]
BACK-TO- BACK LOSSES: Warriors Fan Stocking Up On Ice Cream To Go With Potential End Of Season Tears
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport PANIC STATIONS Die-hard Warriors fan Mark Hickey’s faith is beginning to waver. That’s after his beloved Warriors went down 14-0 to the Sydney Roosters in Auckland this afternoon, just five days after they lost to the Melbourne Storm on Tuesday. Today’s loss has hit Hickey hard, especially after the Warriors had […]
One Headache Clearly Not Enough As Bloke Attempts Weekly Grocery Shop While Very Hungover
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MATCH MADE IN HELL Duncan Rodden woke up with a bone cracking hangover this Sunday morning, which came on after consuming approximately one dozen beers and a handful of pints in town. Stumbling towards the kitchen after waking up past midday, the Christchurch native soon realised his pantry and fridge were […]
Man Locks In Poor Saturday Athletic Performance By Having Spontaneously Big Friday
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport “OH NAH IT’LL BE FINE” Social footballer Ben Pullman has guaranteed himself a dreadful performance on Saturday, after a last minute decision to catch up with a mate after his normal work drinks. Pullman regularly enjoys two or three refreshments with his office workmates on a Friday, and has had no […]
PAY YOUR FAIR SHARE: Government Proposes Tax On All Income Received During Games Of Monopoly
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics PAY TO PLAY Revenue Minister David Parker is sick and tired of dads around the country dominating games of Monopoly and not paying their fair share of tax. Parker has proposed that all income generated during games of Monopoly, whether it’s in New Zealand dollars or imaginary money, will incur a […]
Newlywed Woman Begins Facebook Photo Spam Journey
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture RELENTLESS It is fair to say that Kelly McIntosh’s Facebook page is now more crowded than her own wedding reception was. The 27 year-old has just posted what seemed like the 1000th photo of her “magical day” with her “one and only”, seen mainly by friends who weren’t actually invited. After […]
