Local Vegan Rejects Chris Hipkins’ “Bread And Butter” Issues And Raises “Bread And Olivani Table Spread” Issues
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics PLANT BASED POLICY Morally superior, animal-loving vegan Maria Sorensen has taken issue with PM Chris Hipkins’ new media line, “bread and butter issues”. While many media outlets are highlighting the fact that all their favourite Labour policies are being burned to a crisp on a bonfire, Ms. Sorensen has found a […]
Friends Entertain Each Other For Whole Night Taking Turns Naming 1990s/2000s Super Rugby Players
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GLORY DAYS Matt Holland loves to reminisce about the good old days of the original Super 12 rugby competition. Every time he and his old friend group get together, the conversation always seems to turn to the Super 12 and the players they fondly remembered from their younger years. Just as […]
Bloke Who Swears He Was Home Before Midnight Gets Uber Email Receipt For 1:34AM
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture YOUR SUNDAY MORNING TRIP WITH UBER Scott Davies was adamant that he was home before midnight last night, despite the overwhelming evidence proving otherwise. The 28-year-old had been out enjoying himself with friends at numerous bars, and was this morning under the impression that he was tucked up in his bed […]
Stuart Nash Returns Home To Find He’s Also Been Demoted To The Couch
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics FINAL WARNING Former Police Minister Stuart Nash was demoted to the bottom of the cabinet rankings in Parliament today. This follows multiple breaches of the cabinet handbook, including him having naughty conversations with his old mate the Police Commissioner, Andrew Coster. But that may not have been the worst part of […]
Maths Teacher Heads To Casino After Calculating The Probability Of A Meaningful Pay Rise
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National BETTER ODDS Andrew Gibbs, a maths teacher at Cashmere High School in Christchurch, loves nothing more than numbers and equations. But one question he already knows the answer to, is ‘what are the odds of the Government giving him and fellow teachers a meaningful pay increase?’ 50,000 teachers and principals across […]
Teacher Annoys Students By Trying To Sell Them Her Old iPad For Extra Cash
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture OHH I’M OKAY THANKS MISS Josie Sunderland, a teacher at Henderson Intermediate in West Auckland, has been bugging her students this week in an attempt to make ends meet. The 24 year old is in her third year of teaching and is considering whether she should gamble on a career change, […]
Teen Ram Raiders At Least Getting Out Of The House And Off Their Phones
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National GETTING SOME FRESH AIR Although teen ram raiders are widely considered villains in this country, some kiwis are giving them credit for at least getting out of their bedrooms, away from technology, and out into the real world. Dairy owner Sarpreet Patel had this to say after after his dairy was […]
Metlink Wellington Buses Mostly On Time As Late Ones Are Cancelled
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture BUS CAN’T BE LATE IF IT’S CANCELLED Emily Whiting was already running late for work, and the last thing she needed was for her regular bus from Newtown to Lambton Quay to be cancelled with no explanation. But after gazing up at her bus stop’s schedule sign in Newtown, she saw […]
1News Poll Showing Labour Ahead Triggers Mike Hosking To Ram Raid TVNZ
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics THE MASERATI! Talkback radio host Mike Hosking is naturally outraged at tonight’s 1News Kantar Poll, which has Labour ahead of National 36% to 34%. Shortly after the result, Hosking, a prominent National Party supporter, took it upon himself to ram raid TVNZ’s headquarters in an attempt to destroy polling equipment and […]
One Eyed Cantab Stabs Himself In Good Eye After Loss To Fijian Drua
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport NO EYED CANTAB The one-eyed Cantabrian, Craig Chamberlain has had a rough go of it in recent weeks. After just checking out of the mental institution following the Crusaders’ opening loss to the Chiefs, the man from the Christchurch suburb of Shirley has more recently become the no-eyed Cantab. The passionate […]
