<strong>Local Bloke Leans In To Tomorrow’s Hangover With Pre-Purchased Blue Powerade</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture AHEAD OF THE GAME Benji Davies isn’t the type of person who is usually organised in his life. But that perception of him went out the window this afternoon, as the 27 year-old purchased a 750ml Mountain Blast blue Powerade, in anticipation of being viciously hungover tomorrow morning. Our reporters were […]
Palmy Boys Old Boy Attempts To Explain Club Marching
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SEEMED NORMAL AT THE TIME Palmy Boys old boy Jamie Fisher hit a mental roadblock earlier today, as he attempted to speak coherently to a work colleague about his school’s traditional Shand Shield marching competition. “So you know school athletics day right? You would have had them at your high school […]
<strong>Ardie Savea Inundated With Messages Saying “That’s Such Bulls**t Bro”</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport ABSOLUTE STITCH UP All Blacks loose forward Ardie Savea has been receiving consolations rather than congratulations in his messages this morning. Instead of being inundated with well-wishes about being nominated for World Rugby Player Of The Year, the ABs powerhouse was instead getting messages which were critical of World Rugby’s obvious […]
<strong>Man Hoping He Can Cancel Out Weekend Of Binge Drinking By Having One Berocca</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture NOT LIKELY Jeremy Goddard definitely lost a few brain cells over the weekend. The 27-year-old spent all Saturday and part of Sunday consuming alcoholic beverages at a frightening pace in the Christchurch sunshine. But in order to level himself out and make amends for two days of heavy drinking, Goddard talked […]
SEIZE THE DAY: Parents Thrilled That Two Year Old Is Up At 6 To Tackle Sunday Head On
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “MUM! UP!” Stephen and Kelly Marsden are feeling like the luckiest couple in the world this morning. Instead of sleeping in and waking naturally on a Sunday, they got to wake up at 6 with their alarm clock named Matthew, who was delivering a strong dose of carpe diem. “MUM! UP! […]
<strong>Cricketer’s Girlfriend Obnoxiously Welcomes Weekend Rain</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport SPENDING SATURDAY TOGETHER Clara Stuart was oddly excited by the dark clouds forming today. The 30 year-old has been yearning for rain to occur on Saturdays for the past couple of months, mainly so her boyfriend Jake Macaskill can’t play cricket, the sport that he loves tragically and cannot be played […]
<strong>Woman At Work Drinks Does Quick Shoulder Check Before Unleashing What She Really Thinks Of Team Leader</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “CAN’T STAND HER!” Olivia Boyce was being extremely careful at this afternoon’s regular Friday drinks. Not that she was monitoring her alcohol intake, but more to the fact she was monitoring the whereabouts of her team leader Jessica Roberts. A woman who she absolutely despises at the Ministry of Primary Industries. […]
TRIMMING THE FAT: Elon Musk Gives Twitter’s Underperforming Therapy Dog The Chop
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture SORRY LUCKY Elon Musk’s firing spree at Twitter continued today, as the billionaire this time gave therapy dog Lucky his marching orders. Lucky has been with the social media giant for the last two years, where he basically gets led into the office headquarters by his handler to receive pats and […]
<strong>Bloke Who’s Sick Of Being Tagged In Facebook Posts Nukes His Account</strong>
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture HAD ENOUGH Liam Spratt’s time on social media platform Facebook has come to an abrupt end. The 31-year-old took to social media today, not to post anything himself, but to hit the self-destruct button on his Facebook account. All this was in an attempt to eliminate his mates’ ability to tag […]
Only Homeowner In Millennial Friend Group Annoys The Rest With Gardening Chat
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “WE GET IT, YOU’VE GOT A HOUSE” David Hamilton, 29, sent eyes rolling today when he brought up the topic of all the work he’s been doing on the section of his house, which he owns. The Wellington based project manager seems to have edged ahead of the others in his […]
