Woman Fabricates Dramatic Life Events to Deflect Family Questions On Motherhood
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture ‘TIS THE SEASON FOR INTERROGATION A Wellington woman is weighing up her options this festive season, considering which fake personal crisis might sufficiently stunt her parents’ questions about her lack of offspring. Thirty-four year-old yo-pro, Freya Widdicombe spends 11 months and 20 days of the year feeling perfectly content about her life. […]
TIME SAVER: Teen TikTok Dancer Deletes App And Just Emails Videos Straight To Chinese President
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture CUTTING OUT THE MIDDLE MAN Self-proclaimed teen TikTok sensation Ariana Wesley is taking a new approach to increasing her reach on the social media platform. Annoyed with how long it has taken her to amass her first 15,000 followers, Wesley has decided to bypass the usual algorithm designed to benefit the […]
Staunch Atheist Welcomes Jesus Christ Into Her Life Via Gin Advent Calendar
KASSIE MACKAY| Culture CHEERS TO THE HOLY CHILD A woman who once dubbed herself an “opponent of organised religion” has had an epiphany on day 18 of her gin advent calendar. But it’s not just the drink, she says, that’s caused her to see the light. Local wino Erin Cross, 29, told the Whakataki Times […]
Third Grade Cricketer Blows $600 On A New Bat In The Hope That It’ll Turn His Form Around
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport BLAMING HIS TOOLS Jake Macaskill is certain he’ll be troubling the scorers next time he strides out to the crease. The Eastern Suburbs third div battler has just dropped $600 on a Kookaburra Beast cricket bat in the hope that it’ll get him out of a form slump – a slump […]
David Seymour Updates Pronouns To Arrogant / Prick
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics EMBRACING HIS TRUTH Act leader David Seymour has decided to embrace the new label he’s been given by Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, and has added “arrogant/prick” as his pronouns in his email signature. Ardern could be heard saying that Seymour is “such an arrogant prick” on her parliament microphone yesterday afternoon. […]
Ardern Relieved Microphone Didn’t Pick Her Up Calling Luxon A “Bald-Headed Dickhead”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics COULDA BEEN WORSE Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern breathed a sigh of relief today, as the worst of her side comments to Grant Robertson were not actually picked up by Parliament TV’s microphones. In the house this afternoon she was heard saying that Act leader David Seymour was “such an arrogant prick”, […]
How To Talk About Climate Change With “That” Annoying Little Activist At Christmas
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture URRGH.. Holidays mean time with family – including some who you may not see eye-to-eye with. The topic of climate change can be divisive, especially when you’re getting lectured by your 18-year-old nephew or niece who thinks the world’s coming to an end in ten years. Here are a few tips […]
Wellington Man Laughed Out Of His Friend Group For Not Liking Coffee Or Craft Beer
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “JUST NOT MY THING” Mitch Bishop is feeling a bit left out at the moment. The 25 year-old recently found himself in the middle of an awkward conversation between a mate of his and a handful of acquaintances at a cafe in Aro Valley. One of the group piped up and […]
Local Bloke Proudly Displays Div 4 Indoor Sport Medal Like He’s Some Sort Of Elite Athlete
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport MOVE OVER MESSI Jono Watson had always wanted to make it big in sport. But the reality is that the 29 year-old never made it anywhere near a top level side in any sport he’s tried playing. However despite not racking up many achievements in either rugby or cricket during his […]
Gaurav Sharma Hit With Noise Complaint About His “Loud And Uncontrollable Laughter”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “SORRY, IT’S JUST SO GOOD” Expelled Labour MP Guarav Sharma is lucky to avoid a fine from Hamilton City Council today after a complaint was made to noise control about his “loud and uncontrollable laughter”. Sharma was in his lounge when noise control officers banged on the door to give him […]
