PM’s Self Isolation Boredom Sparks Fears Of An Imminent TikTok Account

Jacinda Ardern daydreaming about TikTok

ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National PLEASE DON’T! A wave of fear is brewing across the country today. It comes as New Zealanders, who are currently getting a well-deserved break from seeing Covid-riddled Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, worry that the PM will start her own TikTok account out of pure boredom.  The Whakataki Times reporters hit the […]

Hipkins Wishing His Positive RAT Could Have Come During Charlotte Bellis Fiasco

Charlotte Bellis alongside Chris Hipkins and his positive RAT

GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics COULD HAVE USED THE TIME OFF Covid-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins is thinking about what could have been, after a recent RAT detected COVID-19 in his mucus sample. This comes a month and a half after the Charlotte-Bellis-Afghanistan-pregnancy-MIQ PR disaster, where he could have used a break from work. Yesterday he […]

“Good Fucking Riddance” Says Nation

fire at parliament

ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FINALLY SOME FREEDOM! With the 23 day protest coming to an end on Parliament grounds this afternoon, the Whakataki Times sought comment from New Zealanders on the breaking news. “Thank fuck!” – Brianna Wilson. “Glad that shit-show’s over” – Adrian Taylor. “About fucking time. Nice to actually be free in my […]

Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress

Woman thinking of blue black dress next to Ukraine explosion

ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture BLACK OR GOLD? Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning. “Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time […]

Local Landscaper Keen To Lock In Hole-Digging Expert

Chris Hipkins digging a hole

GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole.  This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle.  Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big […]

Remembering Face Mask A Step Too Far On Top Of Wallet, Keys and Phone

Steve Morgan forgetting face mask in street.

GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Whakataki local Steve Morgan has confirmed his place in his boss’s bad books today after being late to work for the second time in as many weeks.  The 26-year-old scaffolder told the Whakataki Times that during his morning routine he forgot his face mask, an additional item that has been tacked […]