PM’s Self Isolation Boredom Sparks Fears Of An Imminent TikTok Account
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National PLEASE DON’T! A wave of fear is brewing across the country today. It comes as New Zealanders, who are currently getting a well-deserved break from seeing Covid-riddled Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, worry that the PM will start her own TikTok account out of pure boredom. The Whakataki Times reporters hit the […]
Hipkins Wishing His Positive RAT Could Have Come During Charlotte Bellis Fiasco
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics COULD HAVE USED THE TIME OFF Covid-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins is thinking about what could have been, after a recent RAT detected COVID-19 in his mucus sample. This comes a month and a half after the Charlotte-Bellis-Afghanistan-pregnancy-MIQ PR disaster, where he could have used a break from work. Yesterday he […]
“Good Fucking Riddance” Says Nation
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National FINALLY SOME FREEDOM! With the 23 day protest coming to an end on Parliament grounds this afternoon, the Whakataki Times sought comment from New Zealanders on the breaking news. “Thank fuck!” – Brianna Wilson. “Glad that shit-show’s over” – Adrian Taylor. “About fucking time. Nice to actually be free in my […]
Mask-Wearers Passing By Parliament Mainly Trying To Block Out The Smell Of Poos And Wees
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National DUAL-PURPOSE FACE MASKS After surveying 200 masked pedestrians on Molesworth Street on Monday, the Whakataki Times can report that 70% of respondents said their primary reason for their face covering was to stop the smell of human excrement at the anti-mandate drum and bass music festival. Of that 70%, the second […]
Local News Junkie Remembers When The Biggest Controversy Was The Colour Of A Dress
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture BLACK OR GOLD? Juliet Emerson, 27, has had a refreshing wave of nostalgia wash over her after seeing the ‘The dress’ pop up on her Facebook ‘Memories’ this morning. “Ah, it’s definitely still black and blue,” the Whakataki marketing assistant said to herself with confidence, while reminiscing about a simpler time […]
Local Landscaper Keen To Lock In Hole-Digging Expert
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Whakataki Landscaping owner-operator Troy Sullivan has allegedly been in touch with COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins after he demonstrated a seemingly effortless ability to dig himself a colossal hole. This follows Hipkins’ mishandling of the Charlotte Bellis MIQ debacle. Sullivan, 48, said he’s never seen someone dig themselves such a big […]
Remembering Face Mask A Step Too Far On Top Of Wallet, Keys and Phone
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local Whakataki local Steve Morgan has confirmed his place in his boss’s bad books today after being late to work for the second time in as many weeks. The 26-year-old scaffolder told the Whakataki Times that during his morning routine he forgot his face mask, an additional item that has been tacked […]
