Still No Announcement From Government As Whole Press Gallery Dies Of Old Age
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WAITING AN ARDERNITY. As the country waits for the government’s latest announcement of an announcement about vaccine mandates, we are sad to report that every single journalist in the press gallery has passed away today, due to natural causes. It’s a dark day in the government’s covid response, with the time […]
Local Woman Visualises Horrific House Fire After Thinking She Left Her Hair Straightener On
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture Steph Evans, 23, has convinced herself that her flat is now fully engulfed in flames after believing that the hair straightener she turned off before work, was in fact left on. “Oh my god! Did I even turn it off?” Evans manically asked herself as she stopped in the middle of […]
Hipkins Wishing His Positive RAT Could Have Come During Charlotte Bellis Fiasco
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics COULD HAVE USED THE TIME OFF Covid-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins is thinking about what could have been, after a recent RAT detected COVID-19 in his mucus sample. This comes a month and a half after the Charlotte-Bellis-Afghanistan-pregnancy-MIQ PR disaster, where he could have used a break from work. Yesterday he […]
New Finance Spokesperson Nicola Willis Urged To Take Up Simon Bridges’ Accent Too
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics NAWT THA SAAAME WITH-OWT SOYYYMON Following the shock departure of National’s finance spokesperson Simon Bridges, a party insider has revealed that there is internal pressure on Nicola Willis to not only take on Simon’s finance portfolio, but also his distinctly unique New Zealand accent. The anonymous insider said that there was […]
EVENT CANCELLATION NIGHTMARE: 22-Year-Old Filthy About Not Getting Festival Content For The Gram
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MISSING IN ACTION! Regular festival-goer Tara Chamberlain, 22, was as disappointed as her male Instagram followers were after failing to post a single photo of herself scantily-clad at a popular event this summer. The setback comes as premier music festival Rhythm and Vines was cancelled after an original postponement to April. […]
Known School Liar Continues To Tear The Fabric Of His Own Reality
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Local BUT IT WASN’T ME MISS Whakataki High School student and well-known liar Victor Peterson has denied allegations that he punched and kicked Umar Kranston, a new Year 9 student, three years his junior last week. This was despite multiple witness accounts that he bloody well did. “He punched himself miss! He’s […]
Rising Cost Of Petrol Certain To Force Dan Carter Out Of Retirement
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport IN THE SAME BOAT! Daniel Carter, considered one of the greatest players in rugby history, is rumoured to be rejoining the workforce as a professional player due the soaring cost of petrol. The Whakataki Times spoke to witnesses who saw the former All Black’s perplexed look as he glanced up at […]
WTF?: Australia Complains About 91 Unleaded at $2.21 Per Litre
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National HEY SORRY TO HEAR THAT! New Zealanders have wholeheartedly offered their condolences to Australians who are all of a sudden suffering pain at the petrol pump, with prices going up to a whopping $2.21 for Unleaded 91. This is noting of course that the kiwi dollar has been worth around ninety-something […]
NATIONAL UP IN THE POLLS: Hosking Arrives At Work Three Hours Early Out Of Pure Excitement
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics HASN’T SLEPT. Talkback radio host Mike Hosking turned up for his breakfast show three hours earlier than usual today, after a very positive TVNZ 1 News Kantar Poll for National last night. After seeing National take the lead in the polls, surging 7 points to 39 percent, Hosking has understandably been […]
Smile Unable To Be Wiped From Cyclist’s Face As Petrol Prices Soar
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National RIDE TO SURVIVE! Greg Matthews’ cheeks were still sore from grinning when he burst through the door of his employer this morning. Matthews, a retail assistant at All Sports Whanganui, was looking happier than he’d ever been, arriving earlier than usual just as petrol prices had ticked over three dollars per […]
