Local Bloke Enjoying Free-To-Air Cricket Like It’s 1999
BACK IN THE DAY.
A Palmerston North man is feeling like he’s stepped into a time warp these past few weeks, as he has been happily watching the Black Caps take on Pakistan without paying a single cent in subscription fees.
Aidan Tapper, a 31 year old team leader at Pak n Save, says this is the way things should be.
“It’s like the old days! Been cutting back on subscriptions so haven’t had Sky Sport for a year now, and yet somehow I’m watching live cricket!” he said, over the moon.
Older Gentleman Decides To Enjoy Black Clash Cricket Match Despite “Those Clowns In The Commentary”
JUST CALL THE MATCH.
North Shore retiree Ian Walgrave, 72, has given up on the possibility of watching the T20 Black Clash match with some normal, informed commentary.
The former arborist has watched the yearly match for the last five years and has consistently been annoyed by the commentary of the Alternative Commentary Collective, also known as the ACC.
“They’re just idiots. They don’t know what they’re talking about. How about some real cricket stats that haven’t been plucked from someone’s backside?
Woman With Stressful Job Has Second Glass Of Wine Instead Of Going On Crime Spree
RELAX AND UNWIND.
A Wellington woman has been making waves over the last couple of weeks, when it was revealed that her stressful job in parliament has not pushed her into a life of crime.
As a high-ranking advisor at the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet, 39 year old Maria Jarman says that instead of stealing thousands of dollars worth of retail items on the weekends, she tends to occasionally have one or two wines after work to de-stress.
“Yeah nothing special, I maybe will splash out on a $20 bottle of wine at New World,” she said as she had a sip of Hawke’s Bay pinot gris.
Golriz Resigns, All Those Missing Pens Return
STATIONERY SCANDAL.
The resignation of Greens MP, Golriz Ghahraman, has seen more than 1,000 branded pens returned to Green Party headquarters today, solving a mystery that had been hanging over the party for months.
Back in July 2023, former policy intern, Hannah Brent, had been tasked with ordering all the logo-clad clobber the Greens planned on giving away in the lead-up to the parliamentary election. Among the mass-produced merch were 1,000 biodegradable ballpoint pens, made with paper and recycled plastic, filled with eco-friendly ink, and shipped all the way from India.
FRONTING THE MEDIA: Golriz Frantically Puts Together Outfit That Wasn’t Totally Stolen
NOTHING TO WEAR.
Accused shoplifter Golriz Ghahraman, a 42 year old NZ Greens MP of some note, is back in the country and just about ready to front the media.
However a spanner seems to have been thrown in the works, as she is now realising that 90% of the clothes in her wardrobe are actually stolen goods.
Not wanting to cause more trouble for herself, the dogmatic social justice lover is now trying to find something to wear for her media appearance that wasn’t looted from a high end shop in Ponsonby.
Greens Release New Cost Of Living Policy Simply Titled “Free Clothes From Scotties”
SOCIALISM WITH STYLE.
Off the back of Golriz Ghahraman’s bold statement that people should not in fact have to pay for things, the Greens leadership have made a fresh new policy announcement.
Co-leaders James Shaw and Marama Davidson say that the Greens will address the cost of living crisis by giving away free designer clothing from Scotties Boutique in Auckland.
“The Greens are calling on the government to deliver every New Zealander a new wardrobe, made up exclusively of high quality garments from Scotties,” said Shaw.
Wellingtonians Hoping Water Restrictions Will Mean They Shut Down The Bloody Bucket Fountain
SILVER LININGS.
Wellingtonians are fervently hoping that the current water restrictions in the city will finally bring an end to the reign of the notorious Bucket Fountain on Cuba Street.
This much-loathed landmark has long been the bane of pedestrians’ existence, with its seemingly malicious intent to drench anyone foolish enough to walk within its splash radius.
MP Annoyed To Find Out She Still Has To Pay For Things
NEWS FLASH.
Golriz Ghahraman, a prominent Green Party MP and human rights lawyer, has found herself entangled in a scandal that has left her both annoyed and baffled.
Ghahraman, who like most MP’s doesn’t have to pay for a single thing while raking in a $170,000 a year salary, found out the hard way today.
The incident allegedly unfolded during the festive season at Scottie’s Boutique, an exclusive haven for the fashion-forward elite in Auckland, where it is alleged Ghahraman failed to pay for an item of clothing there.
Man Genuinely Asks If He Can Use Afterpay To Pay For Craft Beers
LEGIT QUESTION.
Tim Jones doesn’t usually mind getting the first round of drinks for his best mate Sam.
However at a quaint bar on Wellington’s Lambton Quay, Tim nearly had a mild stroke when the bartender pushed the EFTPOS machine towards him, as it proudly displayed the amount to pay as $29.00.
Staring at the two golden looking hazy IPA’s he just ordered, he thought there’d been some sort of mistake, or that the bartender thought he ordered three in total.
Festival Goer Believes Friends Want To Watch Her 100-Part Instagram Story Of The Event
KEEPING THEM UPDATED
Elise Robertson felt like she was doing her friends a duty of care with her constant posts from festivals over the summer.
Elise, a self-proclaimed festival aficionado, recently attended both Rolling Meadows and Juicy Fest in Christchurch, documenting every beat, bass drop, and questionable dance move on her Instagram story.
“I just assumed people who knew I was going to these festivals wanted to hear what the music was like. I just wanted to keep them updated ya know?” The 24 year-old explained, unaware that her friends were growing sick and tired of her constant posts from the summer festivals.”
