Golriz Resigns, All Those Missing Pens Return
STATIONERY SCANDAL.
The resignation of Greens MP, Golriz Ghahraman, has seen more than 1,000 branded pens returned to Green Party headquarters today, solving a mystery that had been hanging over the party for months.
Back in July 2023, former policy intern, Hannah Brent, had been tasked with ordering all the logo-clad clobber the Greens planned on giving away in the lead-up to the parliamentary election. Among the mass-produced merch were 1,000 biodegradable ballpoint pens, made with paper and recycled plastic, filled with eco-friendly ink, and shipped all the way from India.
FRONTING THE MEDIA: Golriz Frantically Puts Together Outfit That Wasn’t Totally Stolen
NOTHING TO WEAR.
Accused shoplifter Golriz Ghahraman, a 42 year old NZ Greens MP of some note, is back in the country and just about ready to front the media.
However a spanner seems to have been thrown in the works, as she is now realising that 90% of the clothes in her wardrobe are actually stolen goods.
Not wanting to cause more trouble for herself, the dogmatic social justice lover is now trying to find something to wear for her media appearance that wasn’t looted from a high end shop in Ponsonby.
Greens Release New Cost Of Living Policy Simply Titled “Free Clothes From Scotties”
SOCIALISM WITH STYLE.
Off the back of Golriz Ghahraman’s bold statement that people should not in fact have to pay for things, the Greens leadership have made a fresh new policy announcement.
Co-leaders James Shaw and Marama Davidson say that the Greens will address the cost of living crisis by giving away free designer clothing from Scotties Boutique in Auckland.
“The Greens are calling on the government to deliver every New Zealander a new wardrobe, made up exclusively of high quality garments from Scotties,” said Shaw.
Wellingtonians Hoping Water Restrictions Will Mean They Shut Down The Bloody Bucket Fountain
SILVER LININGS.
Wellingtonians are fervently hoping that the current water restrictions in the city will finally bring an end to the reign of the notorious Bucket Fountain on Cuba Street.
This much-loathed landmark has long been the bane of pedestrians’ existence, with its seemingly malicious intent to drench anyone foolish enough to walk within its splash radius.
MP Annoyed To Find Out She Still Has To Pay For Things
NEWS FLASH.
Golriz Ghahraman, a prominent Green Party MP and human rights lawyer, has found herself entangled in a scandal that has left her both annoyed and baffled.
Ghahraman, who like most MP’s doesn’t have to pay for a single thing while raking in a $170,000 a year salary, found out the hard way today.
The incident allegedly unfolded during the festive season at Scottie’s Boutique, an exclusive haven for the fashion-forward elite in Auckland, where it is alleged Ghahraman failed to pay for an item of clothing there.
Man Genuinely Asks If He Can Use Afterpay To Pay For Craft Beers
LEGIT QUESTION.
Tim Jones doesn’t usually mind getting the first round of drinks for his best mate Sam.
However at a quaint bar on Wellington’s Lambton Quay, Tim nearly had a mild stroke when the bartender pushed the EFTPOS machine towards him, as it proudly displayed the amount to pay as $29.00.
Staring at the two golden looking hazy IPA’s he just ordered, he thought there’d been some sort of mistake, or that the bartender thought he ordered three in total.
Festival Goer Believes Friends Want To Watch Her 100-Part Instagram Story Of The Event
KEEPING THEM UPDATED
Elise Robertson felt like she was doing her friends a duty of care with her constant posts from festivals over the summer.
Elise, a self-proclaimed festival aficionado, recently attended both Rolling Meadows and Juicy Fest in Christchurch, documenting every beat, bass drop, and questionable dance move on her Instagram story.
“I just assumed people who knew I was going to these festivals wanted to hear what the music was like. I just wanted to keep them updated ya know?” The 24 year-old explained, unaware that her friends were growing sick and tired of her constant posts from the summer festivals.”
Impressive and Touching Best Man’s Speech Reeks of ChatGPT
ARTIFICIAL ELOQUENCE
A best man’s speech at a recent wedding has left attendees wondering if it was generated by none other than the ChatGPT. The speech, delivered by Donovan Woodham, a mate of the groom, was hailed as “impressive and touching” by some, but others couldn’t shake the feeling that the words stunk of artificial intelligence.
The wedding, held in a picturesque vineyard in Hawke’s Bay, saw Woodham captivate his audience with tales of the groom’s misadventures and triumphs. While many expected the usual mix of embarrassing anecdotes and heartfelt sentiments, there was an uncanny precision to Woodham’s words that left guests questioning their authenticity.
Woman Haunted by Unwanted Return of Christmas Pine Needles
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.
Frustration is growing among Whakataki residents as pine needles have started making their way into unexpected locations, days after half-dead trees were exiled to the streets.
One such resident is Georgie Carr, who is feeling exasperated after pulling pine needles out of her delicates for the second time in 24 hours.
“I’ve been vacuuming up pine needles every day for weeks, I can’t understand how they’re showing up in my washing” Georgie explained, appearing to scratch at the waistband of her trousers.
Boyfriend Considers Hiring Professional Photographer As Girlfriend Still Unhappy With 300th Photo Attempt
CALL THE PAPARAZZI.
Under the glistening sun of Nelson’s Kaiteriteri beach, 27-year-old Mick Kerr found himself caught in the crossfire of a photographic skirmish with his girlfriend, 24-year-old Alyse Rogers.
Arriving that afternoon from Christchurch for their annual holiday on the golden sands of Kaiteri, Kerr once again found himself armed with his girlfriend’s iPhone 14.
“Do you mind if we just get a quick pic now Mick?” Alyse quipped at her boyfriend.
