Old Boy Thinks Today’s Rugby Players Are All Show Ponies With Their Shiny Boots And Haircuts
A BLOODY DISGRACE.
Local old boy and rugby enthusiast Ian McCarthy, 80, took a break from yelling at kids to get off his lawn and turned his attention to the rugby field.
Sporting an old swanndri and an FMG beanie, McCarthy unleashed a scathing critique of today’s rugby players, dismissing them as nothing more than “show ponies with their shiny boots and haircuts.”
Woman Kidding Herself Thinking She Won’t Eat Whole Block Of Chocolate In One Sitting
OUTLOOK NOT GOOD.
In a stunning display of self-delusion, local woman Emily Brown is once again attempting the impossible: to resist devouring an entire block of chocolate in one sitting. Despite her previous failed attempts, Ms. Brown is convinced that this time will be different.
Centre In Netball Harping On Like They’ve Run A Marathon Or Something
Self styled superhuman Sophie Roberts constantly makes others know about the physical demands of her role on the netball court.
The 23 year-old, who plays in the Saturday morning competition at Christchurch’s Hagley netball courts often makes her teammates aware of her end to end running.
Kiri Allen Somehow Surprised To Find Useless People In The Public Service
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WHO KNEW? Kiri Allan, who was once Stuff’s top pick to take Jacinda Ardern’s place as prime minister, returned to parliament this week. She was previously on leave, most likely because she wasn’t able to tolerate one or more of Wellington’s unbelievably useless public servants. Allan has been accused of “shouting […]
Man Haunted By Decision Not To Hang On To Holographic Charizard
As an 11 year old, Nathan Bayley came into possession of the much-coveted “holographic Charizard”, which is famously rare to this day. “I can’t believe I had that card,” said Bayley.
“I had it, and now I don’t”.
Local Mum Still Expecting Dan Carter To Run Out For The All Blacks Tonight
The incident occurred a few hours before Saturday’s test match against South Africa in Auckland as Troy and Steve were preparing snacks in the kitchen.
Vicki piped up with what she thought was going to be some good pre-game chat with her family, however her blunder ensured awkwardness that would linger in the family home for the next few hours.
MATARIKI LONG WEEKEND: Man Reschedules Saturday Morning Hangover For Friday
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture TIME TO REFLECT With Matariki weekend kicking off this Friday, Taranaki road worker Dan Anderson will be making the most of the extra time off. On a normal week Anderson would totally write off his Saturday morning with a headache of varying severity. But with the public holiday on Friday, he’s […]
Man Weighs Up Origin Dead Rubber With Being Dangerously Tired On Thursday
Despite being exhausted already from a full day of work in the biting cold, Bowden is seriously weighing up watching the third game between NSW and Queensland. This is despite the series already being totally gift-wrapped and handed to Qld, 2 nil, a less than ideal situation for his beloved Blues team.
Corporate Public Servant Endures Another Day Of Not Delivering For New Zealanders
Senior Communications Advisor Laura Ferrera had “one of those days” today, spending her entire time in the office trying, and failing, to get a draft email signed off.
“Well I’ve really done right by the taxpayer today haven’t I? Such a great use of time and money,” said the public servant sarcastically.
“Another day another dollar, as they say. Can’t believe it’s a four day week and the days are already dragging, urgh it’s only Tuesday”.
REVEALED: Pitch Invader Kicked By Sam Cane Due To Not Being Nude
An All Blacks insider has revealed new detail about what inspired captain Sam Cane to put the boot into a hapless pitch invader over the weekend.
Cane was allegedly unfazed by the fact that the game was being delayed, and was instead just annoyed that the intruder didn’t even have the courage to get nude first.
“I think a lot of the boys just miss the old days when pitch invasions were funny, for obvious reasons,” said the anonymous source.
