Seymour And Peters Complete Kindergarten Course On Sharing And Playing Nicely
ON THE SAME PAGE
David Seymour and Winston Peters are set to get along better than most New Zealanders expected.
Both famously known for being difficult, Seymour and Peters will now take turns in the role of Deputy Prime Ministers, in a tag-team arrangement that has raised more than a few eyebrows.
It turns out that it wasn’t just the negotiations holding things up, it was also the time it took for the two new government MPs to complete a two day course in sharing and playing nicely.
MBIE Employee Who Hates Job Anyway Fizzing For Government Spending Cuts
LESSGOOO!
Wellington based HR advisor Tory Hopkins is weirdly excited about the new National / Act / NZ First government taking an axe to the public service once they get started.
The 25 year old MBIE employee has been energised ever since David Seymour mentioned slashing MBIE’s staffing numbers in half.
“It could be me!” she said excitedly, as she scrolled the Jetstar site for cheap flights to Aussie. “Fingers crossed! Been thinking about whether this job’s for me for a while now. Be good to get a little extra push out the door.”
Christopher Luxon Delivers Full Cooked Breakfast To Visiting National MPs In Under Two Minutes
POLITICS ON SPEED.
In an effort to showcase his efficiency and commitment to his party, PM elect Christopher Luxon decided he’d showcase his snap decision-making.
Luxon has been constantly questioned by NZ media this week about why the Coalition process has been taking longer than the media want, so he thought he’d show his ministers just what he’s made of.
This culinary spectacle involved Luxon personally preparing a full cooked breakfast for visiting National MPs in Auckland, all in under two minutes. Chris Bishop and Nicola Willis were first in line for a feed.
Seymour Hot Favourite To Win Deputy Prime Minister In Final Twerk Battle
THE LAST DANCE.
New Zealand’s Deputy Prime Minister position is set to be determined not by policy debates or parliamentary prowess but by a battle of the twerks between the two hopefuls, David Seymour and Winston Peters.
ACT Party leader David Seymour is tipped to win after having already showcased his twerking live on national television during Dancing with the Stars in 2018.
Christopher Luxon said a twerking comp was the obvious choice for deciding who would be his deputy. “Oh look it’s something fun, it’s all the rage on social media. I think a twerk battle between two seasoned politicians is exactly what the country needs right now.
Poll Shows Most Kiwis Don’t Need Daily Media Updates Reminding Them We Don’t Have A Government Yet
WE KNOW.
Media outlets around New Zealand are sticking to their guns after a poll showed New Zealanders don’t need regular reminders that government negotiations are ongoing.
A Roy Morgan poll found 99% of Kiwis know that a government hasn’t been formed yet. The 1% that doesn’t know is thought to be infant children that cannot speak and do not understand elections.
At the same time, reporters have continued to find new ways of saying nothing has happened, often focusing updates on regular daily occurrences like someone having lunch or walking out of a building.
John Key Haunted Once More As Coalition Talks Compared To 2011 Handshake Humiliation
THREEWAY 2.0.
Former New Zealand Prime Minister Sir John Key woke up in a cold sweat this morning, as he was haunted not by the ghosts of his former Cabinet Ministers, but by the eerie echoes of a handshake gone awry at the 2011 Rugby World Cup.
Just after the Webb Ellis Cup was presented to then-All Blacks’ captain Richie McCaw, an embarrassing three-way handshake was broadcast across the world. The handshake was between Sir John Key, Sir Richie McCaw, and Bernard Lapasset, an old rugby board chairman, who nobody really knew.
As the nation anxiously awaits the outcome of the coalition talks between the National Party’s Christopher Luxon, ACT’s David Seymour, and the ever-unpredictable Winston Peters, political pundits couldn’t help but draw parallels to Key’s cringe-worthy handshake debacle.
Non Politics Guy Enjoying The Peace And Quiet Of Not Having A Government
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WHY CAN’T IT ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS? As coalition talks continue between National, Act and New Zealand First, the wolves of New Zealand’s media have been at the door chomping at anything that comes near them, hungry for some kind of controversial political content. One man who has conversely been feeling […]
Blackcaps Fans Prepared To Do An All-Nighter Hoping To Taste A Billion Delicious Indian Tears
IT’LL BE WORTH IT.
Black Caps fans have declared their readiness to sacrifice a good night’s sleep to experience something rare – the sweet, sweet taste of a billion Indian tears.
The New Zealand side led by Kane Williamson face India in the World Cup semi-final tonight, where the Indians are heavily favoured with an unbeaten run of nine straight pool matches.
With the semi-final beginning at 9:30pm NZT and not finishing until nearly 5:00 am tomorrow, it means most Kiwis will have to sacrifice a good night’s sleep or skip work altogether.
New Dad Sure His Own Children’s Books Would Be Better Than Anything Else That’s Out There
IT’LL BE EASY.
A first time Kiwi father is planning to write his own series of children’s books after being underwhelmed with the reading options for his new baby.
Amelia Jefferson gave birth to a baby boy one week ago. Her husband, Scott, has taken some time away from his job as an arborist to help settle into life as a young family.
Scott says he was excited about the opportunity to read to his young son, and was grateful to be given books from friends and family who had children of their own.
Public Servant Turbocharges Email Signature With Fresh New He/Him Pronouns
HE MEANS BUSINESS.
Wellington-based senior comms advisor Gareth Bowman is showing his Ministry of Health colleagues exactly what he’s made of this week.
The 29 year old will be hoping senior managers were watching, as he debuted his hyper-professional new “he/him pronouns” in his email signature this Monday morning.
“I send a comms update around to all the managers every second Monday of the month, so they definitely would have seen it,” Bowman said confidently.
