LEADERS’ DEBATE: Hipkins Still Won’t Confirm Or Deny The Existence Of Dragons
FEELING THE HEAT.
As the final leaders debate before the election gets underway, Prime Minister Chris Hipkins still appears to be avoiding the tough questions.
Journalist Guy Williams recently reported that National Leader Christopher Luxon does not actually believe that dinosaurs once walked the earth, a revelation that will surely rock this year’s election results.
While it is a controversial opinion, many have applauded Luxon for making his views on dinosaurs clear. But what about that other elusive reptilian species – dragons.
Wellington Public Servants Looking Forward To Last Week At Work Before David Seymour Sacks Them
NEW BEGINNINGS.
A group of millennial communications advisors at the Ministry of Business Innovation and Enterprise (MBIE) are eagerly awaiting a bright new future that’s just over the horizon.
The contingent of publicly funded wordsmiths are all hopeful of being made dramatically redundant by the expected new government – particularly if Act’s David Seymour is involved.
Seymour has famously said that Act would cut MBIE’s staff numbers in half if elected.
While many would consider this a threat, Jodie Goodwin, 31, is weirdly upbeat about the whole thing. “Well, a change is as good as a holiday right? And the redundancy pay will be begging to be spent on a holiday,” she said.
National Party Leader Stocks Up On Hellers Snags And Wakachangi Beer For Election BBQ
FUNNY THAT.
Christopher Luxon has made another bold decision as leader of the National Party, stocking up exclusively on Hellers sausages and Wakachangi beer ahead of his election day barbie.
Instead of opting for an assortment of gourmet dishes and fine wines, Luxon decided to go for something that resonates with everyday kiwi battlers.
“Gidday maaaate” Luxon greeted our reporters, stocking up his fridge for his election party on Saturday night, where he is hopeful of becoming Prime Minister.
Smug Millennial Drafts Series Of Anti-Luxon Tweets Ahead Of Election Win
PREPARING FOR GAMEDAY.
Pink-haired millennial Ruby Galbraith is preparing herself for a big week on Twitter, now also known as ‘X’.
With the New Zealand election likely to see a new Prime Minister come Saturday evening, the 30 year-old from Wellington’s Aro Valley has carefully drafted up multiple anti Christopher Luxon Tweets ready to launch.
“Just another pale white male in a suit!” Galbraith shouted at our reporters, a comment she plans to later Tweet about the National Party leader.
Reece Walsh Reveals That The Pink Boots And The Pink Undies Are Just To Upset His Dad
AHH REECE.
Broncos and Queensland dynamo Reece Walsh has shed new light on his on-field fashion choices today.
Many have assumed that Walsh’s pink boots and pink undies were a way of adding insult to injury for the many top players he has skipped past on the rugby league field. But Walsh says it is just a fun way to annoy his dad.
“Just a bit of fun aye, poor old dad can’t stand me wearing the pink. It’s become too funny not to wear it,” laughed Walsh.
Determined Shopper Absolutely Losing It Over Fears He Left The Oven On
SURELY NOT??
A supermarket shopper has persevered through “the most stressful experience” of his life, agonising over if his house was burning down at that very moment.
It started off like any other Sunday afternoon shop for the aptly named Shaun Heatson.
But it all changed when he rounded the aisle to the canned goods section.
Seeing his usual three pack of spaghetti sticking out at him a third of the way down, he realised he might have left the oven on at home.
Blackcaps Stoked To Have Game Against England Not Decided By Boundary Countback
A VICTORY FOR COMMON SENSE.
The Blackcaps and New Zealand cricket fans are relieved today after the winner of their cricket World Cup match against England was decided in a more common manner.
The Blackcaps chased down England’s total, meaning they won the game by purely scoring more runs than them, and were not denied by any strange rule made up by the ICC.
Trent Boult, who had endured the heartache of the infamous 2019 World Cup final, was visibly thrilled to have experienced a victory via the traditional method.
Razor Spotted Sifting Through The Rubbish Bins At All Blacks Hotel
LOOKING FOR CLUES.
All Blacks coach-to-be, Scott Razor Robertson has been seen going to desperate lengths to prepare himself for his coaching job, post World Cup.
ABs fan Adam Grogan says he saw the Cantabrian peering into a skip bin outside the All Blacks hotel.
“Can’t be totally sure what he was up to. Perhaps looking for clues about how the ABs are preparing for their match against Uruguay tomorrow?”
Widespread Anger As Mum Shuts Down Calls For Fish And Chips For Dinner
THREAT TO DEMOCRACY.
A seemingly ordinary evening in Nelson, New Zealand took a dramatic turn as a simple family dinner decision escalated into a major controversy.
In an astonishing turn of events, a 42 year old mum’s unilateral decision to forgo fish and chips for dinner this time has been labelled a “threat to democracy” by young members of the household.
The Smith family, comprised of mum Jane, dad Michael, and their three sons – Jack (14), Ben (12), and Sam (9) – have got into the habit lately of dropping in to Victory Square Fish and Chips on a Wednesday, as the day has become busy with various after school activities.
Hawkes Bay Rugby Player Admits Broken Ranfurly Shield Was Meant For “Private Story Only”
SNAPCHAT SLIP-UP.
A Hawke’s Bay rugby player has come clean about the recent Ranfurly Shield catastrophe, revealing that the shield was never meant for the public eye in the first place. It appears that the shield’s accidental dismantling was merely a Snapchat slip-up gone horribly wrong.
The Magpies, in a victorious clash with the Wellington Lions, managed to snatch the coveted Shield on Saturday afternoon after their 20-18 win. However, it wasn’t their triumph on the field that made headlines, but rather a peculiar revelation that unfolded on social media.
