Man Smashes Last Year’s Valentine’s Effort By Picking Up The Last Bouquet Left Sitting There At New World
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture MODERN DAY ROMEO Upper Hutt local Peter Sorensen out-did his past self today, proving that he still has what it takes to keep his relationship alive. Sorensen has been with partner Renee for six years now and things have been relatively stable the whole time. Last Valentine’s however, the man from […]
CYCLONE WARNING: Arrogant Wellingtonian Welcomes The Challenge Of More Wind
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National BRING IT Wellington-centric data analyst Logan Galloway failed to read the room this morning, as he made a joke about the severity of Cyclone Gabrielle. “Just a bit of wind and rain. Normal for Welliez, probably be a good challenge!” he said, knowing perfectly well that Wellington will not feel the […]
Man Annoys The Hell Out Of Party Goers By Constantly Changing Songs Halfway Through
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture JUST LET IT PLAY! A flat party in Wellington was making quite the noise this evening. Not because the music was blaring loud enough to potentially warrant a call from noise control to the Kelburn flat. But because of the constant groans and disdain coming from inside the house due to […]
Losing A Company Laptop Definitely Not As Bad As Losing 3.2 Tonnes Of Cocaine
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National THE BOSS WON’T BE HAPPY One South American drug lord out there won’t be a happy chappy today. Whoever the unlucky crime boss is, they have just lost 3.2 tonnes of their cocaine, half a billion dollars worth, after it was intercepted by the Royal New Zealand Navy. The Whakaktai Times […]
RAZOR RUMOUR: One-Eyed Cantab Spotted In Hagley Park Winking At People
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport LOOKS HAPPY FOR ONCE The Whakataki Times has received multiple reports of the so-callled “one-eyed Cantab”, Craig Chamberlain, winking at people who happen to be out and about in Christchurch’s Hagley Park. The obnoxiously passionate Crusaders supporter would not let on what he was so pleased about, but it could be […]
Hipkins Does Important Work On Aussie Trip That Definitely Couldn’t Be Done Over Zoom
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics MONEY WELL SPENT Prime Minister Chris Hipkins put the NZ Airforce to good use for the second time this month, catching a ride to Australia to meet with Aussie PM Anthony Albanese for the day. It is vitally important to know, however, that all the really important, value-adding work that he […]
WFH Introvert Happily Works Until 11 o’clock Before Realising It’s A Public Holiday
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture MISSED THE MEMO Wellington-based introvert Georgina Meadows short-changed herself this Waitangi Day, by waking up as if it was a normal Monday, going into autopilot, and firing up the laptop for a day of data analysis. It wasn’t until 11 o’clock when she gave herself a break to scroll through the […]
TikTok Filthy That America Shot Down Their Spy Balloon
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World “GAHHH, MY SPY BALLOON!” Liang Rubo, CEO of Bytedance, was spitting tacks today as he heard the news that his TikTok spy balloon had been neutralised by an American fighter jet. Liang’s company has been spying on teenage girls of the West since 2017, via the TikTok app that encourages them […]
Christchurch Dad Welcomes The Hot Weather By Thrashing Kids With New Super Soaker
KASSIE MACKAY | Culture SUN’S OUT GUNS OUT, KIDS! As Christchurch temperatures entered the 30s this morning, local dad Damian “Damo” Burns was chomping at the bit to test his brand new Super Soaker on sons Aaron, 9, and Phoenix, 7. Full-time IT salesperson and part-time responsible caregiver, Damo, was feeling optimistic when he purchased […]
Ed Sheeran Becomes The Most Ginger Person To Play At The Cake Tin Since Paul Tito
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture A-TEAM English singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran is used to making records, but tonight he is breaking them in Wellington. Tonight, Sheeran becomes the most ginger person to play at Sky Stadium, Wellington’s premier sporting arena, affectionately known as ‘The Cake Tin’. The redhead has now surpassed former Hurricanes stalwart Paul Tito, who […]
