Rugby Coach Detects Rain And Instantly Messages His Soft Players To Say Training’s Still On
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport NO EXCUSES Rugby coach Craig Saunders knew that as soon as the skies turned grey and a drop of rain fell, that he’d be inundated with texts from a particular group of players in his rugby team. Saunders, who is coach for the Old Boys University Senior B team in Wellington, […]
Magical Motorbike Makes Greens Co-Leader Spout A Bunch Of Small-Minded Nonsense
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics IT’S A KIND OF MAGIC After being horrifically hit by a motorcyclist that failed to stop at a pedestrian crossing in the weekend, Greens co-leader Marama Davidson was understandably shaken. Something strange happened when that motorcycle collided with her however. The normally controlled member of parliament was apparently turned into a […]
WELLINGTONIANS AGREE: The Wind Is Less Hated Than The Bucket Fountain
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture WIND OVER WATER In a turn of events, Wellingtonians have unanimously agreed that the city’s notorious wind, long considered one of the biggest annoyances in the capital, is actually less hated than Cuba Street’s infamous Bucket Fountain. The Bucket Fountain is a public art installation in Cuba Mall, which features buckets […]
Gen Z Student Trapped On Hold To StudyLink Hears Brooke Fraser For The First Time
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture THROWING HER A LIFELINE Vic uni student Zara Ellison had her reality expanded today after finding herself in the unfortunate position of being on hold, waiting to talk to Studylink. The 18 year-old from Wellington was held captive to her phone for what felt like an eternity, until she was suddenly […]
WARRIORS WIN AGAIN: Local Bloke Looks At Booking Flights To NRL Grand Final
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport GETTING IN EARLY Nevermind that there’s still more than 20 rounds in the NRL season to go, die hard Warriors fan Mark Hickey is certain his beloved Warriors will be making the NRL grand final this year. His confidence comes after the Warriors came from behind in a gutsy 16-14 victory […]
Local Man Believes The 12 Beers Ravaging His Insides Will Vanish After A Sluggish 5k Run
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture RUNNING AWAY FROM THE HANGOVER Enthusiastic runner Isaac Holmes lied to himself and those around him this morning as he laced up his New Balances for his morning run. His claim was that despite having a life-altering hangover from a dozen plus beers the night before, he would be able to […]
Man With Work To Do Suddenly Drops Everything To Google “Christian Cullen Highlights”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport FARRK HOW GOOD WAS HE? Tom Anderson was traditionally a solid, reliable employee at the Ministry of Business Innovation and Employment. Many in the office called him a “rising star” in the public service. Today however, the 32-year-old found himself distracted by something far more engaging than his work on tenancy […]
Chippy Hipkins Reckons The Fart Tax Would Actually Burn Quite Well On His Policy Bonfire
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics HIGHLY FLAMMABLE As Chippy Hipkins’ bonfire of unpopular policies gets bigger, and support goes up for Labour, the young man from Upper Hutt is on the lookout for more rubbish to cast out into the inferno. Sources close to the government have overheard Hipkins talking about the big pile of unwanted […]
Schick Announces Limited Edition “Razor Robertson” Quattro
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National SHARP FUTURE AHEAD After today’s announcement that Scott Robertson would take control of the All Blacks from 2024, razor company Schick has made an announcement of their own. They announced that they will release a special edition of their Quattro range, calling it none other than “Razor Robertson”, a nod to […]
NZ Rugby Does Big Office Clean Out And Finds Their Logic And Reason
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TOOK A WHILE! After what felt like years of searching, New Zealand Rugby have finally found their misplaced logic and reason, appointing Crusaders super coach Scott Robertson to lead the All Blacks after this year’s World Cup. Today’s announcement brings an end to the tumultuous saga that had been dragging on […]
