Woman Cooks Meal For First Time Since Tuesday Last Week
KASSIE MACKAY | Culture CULINARY QUEEN One Whakataki woman is beaming with pride this evening as she plates up a home cooked meal for the first time in over a week. Sarah Lister, a 32-year-old finance advisor, has this evening prepared a totally edible meal of spaghetti bolognese, garnished with finely grated Mainland Tasty cheese. […]
Local Beachgoer Confidently Claims “It’s Warm Once You Get In”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “BEAUUUUUTIFUL” Beachgoer and Hutt Valley-based landscaper Scott McCracken shocked his friend group today, after being the first to put his head under the water at Petone Beach over the weekend. While his friends were frozen with fear at the shallow end, with the water only reaching their ankles, McCracken was already […]
Whacky Far Right Conspiracy Theory Circulating That Jacinda Ardern “Resigned As Prime Minister”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics WHERE’S JACINDA? Since late last week a bizarre conspiracy theory has been making the rounds, and has even made its way into the mainstream. While it’s unknown which dark corner of the internet this theory originated from, news outlets worldwide have been reporting that New Zealand’s Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has […]
Chris Hipkins Heralds New Era for Ginger Representation
KASSIE MACKAY | Politics IF YOU CAN SEE IT, YOU CAN BE IT Incoming Prime Minister, Chris Hipkins, is already promising New Zealanders a brighter future under his leadership. He’s set out the challenges our nation faces and hinted at solutions. Members of New Zealand’s ginger demographic have read between the lines of these statements, […]
Hungover Bloke Ignores Cafe Menu And Robotically Orders The Big Breakfast
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture “JUST THE BIG BREKKIE FOR ME THANKS” Liam Hunt was certain about one thing this morning. That was he knew he’d be ordering whatever big breakfast option the menu provided at Wanaka’s Urban Grind Eatery & Bar. The certainty comes after the 29 year-old spent last night with a group of […]
Soon To Be New PM Chris Hipkins Will Officially Replace “Be Kind” Slogan With “Spread Your Legs”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics STRAIGHT TO WORK Chris “Chippy” Hipkins is set to stamp his personality on the prime ministership when he takes over the top job in February. After no-one else wanted to take on the responsibility of leading Labour into a deeply humiliating election defeat, Hipkins agreed to captain the sinking ship. The […]
Mike Hosking Allegedly “Did A Little Dance”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Politics “YOU’RE IN A GOOD MOOD MIKE” An unnamed source close to veteran broadcaster Mike Hosking claims that he “did a little dance”, and that we all know why. The claim is eerily similar to someone else who in June 2020 said that she “did a little dance” because she thought that […]
BLACK CLASH BACKLASH: One Eyed Cantab Calling For Team Rugby To Be Completely Replaced With Current Crusaders Players
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport TEAM CRUSADERS Craig Chamberlain is once again in disagreement with the selection of a sports team. His difference of opinion comes ahead of tonight’s T20 Blackclash, which sees the biggest stars of rugby and cricket face off against each other in a T20 cricket match. But with ‘Team Rugby’ being made […]
+Hr=E Announces New Fishing Show With Unconfirmed Female Host
KASSIE MACKAY | Politics IS THE PM MOVING FROM HIVE TO HULL? Just minutes after Jacinda Ardern revealed her plans to step down as PM, national television network, +Hr=E, made its own special announcement. From February 8, the nation’s second-favourite homegrown broadcaster will be hoping to boost viewership with a new fishing show. The catch? […]
Cardiologist Predicts Spike In Blood Pressure In Over 65s During Alternative Cricket Commentary
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Sport HEALTH WARNING FOR CRICKET FANS A leading cardiologist at the Heart Foundation has issued a warning to anyone thinking about watching this Friday’s T20 Blackclash cricket match, featuring commentary from the Alternative Commentary Collective (the ACC). Dr Jane Joplin has published a paper saying that a significant number of people over […]
