HOLIDAY MISHAP: Woman Forgets To Post Aerial Photo From Inside Plane
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture MISSED OPPORTUNITY Holly Carrigan, 25, missed a golden opportunity this morning. She had the chance to deliver top quality pre-holiday content to her numerous instagram followers, which would have been the perfect start to her trip to Queenstown – but she absolutely blew it. As she sat on the Air New […]
Elite Bloke Fires Up The Private Jet To Fart Over To Davos To Talk About Emissions And Climate Change
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | World “OH YEAH IT’S DEFINITELY A CRISIS” Local billionaire elite Roger Rubens believes that the world is in the middle of a climate crisis that could become a catastrophe. He is rock solid in his belief that carbon dioxide is destroying the planet, and yet somehow he is still willing to add […]
CLEARLY NOT IN NEW ZEALAND: Rugby Coach Sacked Due To Team Underperforming
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport ONLY IN AUSTRALIA… Wallabies rugby coach Dave Rennie has been sensationally sacked by Rugby Australia today, due to his poor results during his three year reign with the team. Rennie, a New Zealander, would have probably been better off coaching NZ’s rugby team the All Blacks, a team where consistently poor […]
Man Who Returned From Holiday One Week Ago Begins Thinking About Unpacking Suitcase
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC Cam Bowie’s suitcase has served him well over the past week. The 25 year-old has been comfortably living out of his travel luggage, despite the fact that he is no longer travelling, and is in fact back home, safe and sound, with a wardrobe and chest […]
“I Didn’t Spend Too Much Over Christmas And New Year’s” Says Local Liar
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture TENUOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TRUTH Known liar Jayden Mills has told another whopper after returning to work this week. Mills, a roofer at WC Construction in Palmerston North, told his workmates that he “didn’t spend too much over Christmas and New Year’s”. This is despite significant evidence to the contrary available […]
Disappointment As Newly Released Book Is Not About The Real Prince Harry
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WILL THE REAL PRINCE HARRY PLEASE STAND UP? There was disappointment among New Zealand cricket enthusiasts today. A release of a new memoir called ‘Spare’ has now been revealed to actually be about the life of the Duke of Sussex, Prince Harry, a ginger man originally from the UK who now […]
Public Servant Met With Roars Of Laughter After She Asks “How Do I Do My Job Again?”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture STILL IN HOLIDAY MODE Engagement advisor Joanne Fraser put on a comedy clinic for her Ministry of Education colleagues today. On her first day back at work for 2023, Ms Fraser entertained everyone within earshot of her pod by delivering the classic one-liner, “How do I do my job again?”. The […]
Local Bloke Out Running Increases His Speed Dramatically After Spotting A Woman In The Distance
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture ATHLETICISM ON DISPLAY Josh McManus seemed to have his running pace under control as he made his way around Christchurch’s Hagley Oval this morning. The 25 year-old often goes out for a weekend jog through the iconic park in the garden city, and makes a habit of going early on a […]
High School Music Tutor Secretly Not Sure Who He Hates More, Six60 Or Himself
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW Over the last decade, Auckland Grammar music tutor Charles Telford has been outspoken in his opposition to the widely popular kiwi band, Six60. “Mr Telford”, as he’s known at his school, has published multiple long posts to his Facebook following, describing the band’s music as middle-of-the-road, bland […]
Man With Bluetooth Speaker At Beach Appears Confident That Everyone Wants To Hear His Music
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture SUMMER VIBES Finn Doran was out to enjoy himself at Nelson’s Tahunanui Beach as much as anyone else was today. The 35 year-old decided he’d get in one last beach trip before returning to work in the next few days, and assumed that bringing along his new UE Boom 3 would […]
