Man Who Returned From Holiday One Week Ago Begins Thinking About Unpacking Suitcase
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture TIME TO FACE THE MUSIC Cam Bowie’s suitcase has served him well over the past week. The 25 year-old has been comfortably living out of his travel luggage, despite the fact that he is no longer travelling, and is in fact back home, safe and sound, with a wardrobe and chest […]
“I Didn’t Spend Too Much Over Christmas And New Year’s” Says Local Liar
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture TENUOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TRUTH Known liar Jayden Mills has told another whopper after returning to work this week. Mills, a roofer at WC Construction in Palmerston North, told his workmates that he “didn’t spend too much over Christmas and New Year’s”. This is despite significant evidence to the contrary available […]
Disappointment As Newly Released Book Is Not About The Real Prince Harry
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport WILL THE REAL PRINCE HARRY PLEASE STAND UP? There was disappointment among New Zealand cricket enthusiasts today. A release of a new memoir called ‘Spare’ has now been revealed to actually be about the life of the Duke of Sussex, Prince Harry, a ginger man originally from the UK who now […]
Public Servant Met With Roars Of Laughter After She Asks “How Do I Do My Job Again?”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture STILL IN HOLIDAY MODE Engagement advisor Joanne Fraser put on a comedy clinic for her Ministry of Education colleagues today. On her first day back at work for 2023, Ms Fraser entertained everyone within earshot of her pod by delivering the classic one-liner, “How do I do my job again?”. The […]
Local Bloke Out Running Increases His Speed Dramatically After Spotting A Woman In The Distance
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture ATHLETICISM ON DISPLAY Josh McManus seemed to have his running pace under control as he made his way around Christchurch’s Hagley Oval this morning. The 25 year-old often goes out for a weekend jog through the iconic park in the garden city, and makes a habit of going early on a […]
High School Music Tutor Secretly Not Sure Who He Hates More, Six60 Or Himself
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | National BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW Over the last decade, Auckland Grammar music tutor Charles Telford has been outspoken in his opposition to the widely popular kiwi band, Six60. “Mr Telford”, as he’s known at his school, has published multiple long posts to his Facebook following, describing the band’s music as middle-of-the-road, bland […]
Man With Bluetooth Speaker At Beach Appears Confident That Everyone Wants To Hear His Music
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture SUMMER VIBES Finn Doran was out to enjoy himself at Nelson’s Tahunanui Beach as much as anyone else was today. The 35 year-old decided he’d get in one last beach trip before returning to work in the next few days, and assumed that bringing along his new UE Boom 3 would […]
NEW YEAR, NEW ME: Woman Embarks On First Of Three Gym Sessions For The Year
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture LESSSGOOOOO Habitual new year’s resolution-maker Gabrielle Watson has surprised no-one in her friend group with today’s social media post. On her personal instagram page, the Hawke’s Bay native posted a picture of herself dressed in brand new Lululemon activewear, with the location set as City Fitness, Hastings. Naturally this imagery was […]
“WHAT YEAR IS IT?”: Woman Wakes Up From Food Coma She’s Been In Since Christmas
KASSIE MACKAY | Local TIME TRAVELLER? A Whakataki woman has woken dazed and confused this morning, having rolled out of bed and onto a phone whose lock screen declared the date January 1, 2023. Charlotte Peters, 24, describes herself as a hedonist: “I just take such great joy in indulging myself… through food, drink, partying, […]
FINISHING STRONG: Woman Puts Exclamation Mark On 2022 By Getting Dangerously Drunk And Emotional
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “F*** YOU DAVE!” This New Year’s Eve, 29 year old Wellington woman Ellie Burgess has apparently decided she’s going to say goodbye to 2022 in style. Burgess, who’s relationship of four years came to an end in August, is letting her hair down at her Kelburn flat with support from a […]
