Bloke Heroically Starts On The Beers At 12 In Quest To Make It To Midnight
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture DON’T STOP BELIEVING Kieron Larson believes he is a strong chance to make it to the New Year’s Eve countdown tonight in something resembling a coherent state. Cracking open the first of many Steinlager Pures at 12:06pm, the 23 year-old did a quick “cheers boys” to a handful of mates at […]
XMAS NEW YEAR’S TIME HOLE: Study Confirms 9 Out Of 10 People Have No Idea What Day It Is
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “IT’S WEDNESDAY ISN’T IT?” The Manawatu Research Institute Of Science has confirmed what many of us already knew about the current period of time between Christmas and New Year’s. In a street survey of 1000 people walking in Palmerston North’s “the square”, 904 respondents could not give a correct answer to […]
Local Mum Putting Out Post-Christmas Recycling Claims “People Will Think We’re Alcoholics”
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBOURS THINK? 58-year-old mother of two, Jane Morrison was hit with a wave of self consciousness this morning as she took her glass recycling out to the street to be collected. The Nelson local has noticed that unlike every other time she’s taken the glass out, her bin […]
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Wall Socket In Dad’s Corner Of The Lounge Overrun With Kids’ Phone Chargers
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture INVASION As Phil Burley sat down in his usual spot in the lounge, he happened to gaze down at what was usually a totally clear empty wall socket beside his lazy boy chair. To his horror, what he discovered instead was a jungle of unrecognisable cords and phones. The father of […]
Local Dad Rolls Back The Years With Sensational BYC Hat Trick Against His Hapless Children
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Sport UNSTOPPABLE Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match. The 41 year-old father of three was already showcasing some scary form after dismissing his two other children, 7 year-old Poppy and 9 year-old Ollie, in the […]
SHAME: Arrogant Nephew Loses Christmas Cracker Pull To Aunty
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture PRIDE COMES BEFORE THE FALL Bryce Eder thought he’d use his pure strength to comfortably beat his Aunty Susan in the annual Christmas cracker pull during today’s family lunch. The 22 year-old, who rates himself as much fitter and stronger than his 50 year-old Aunty Aunty, was humiliated after coming off […]
Man Impressing Nobody By Heading Off For A Morning Run On Christmas Day
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture SETTLE DOWN Joseph Pimms appeared to be more excited about going for a run than Christmas Day itself. That’s because the 35-year-old would rather do a strenuous bout of exercise than have a well-earned sleep-in on the day that he would soon be relaxing with relatives for Christmas lunch. Pimms was […]
Children On Best Behaviour Today With Mum’s Final Threat That “Santa Won’t Come Otherwise”
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National LITTLE ANGELS Local Nelson siblings Connor Adams, 5, and Brianna Adams, 7, were like the angels on top of all the Christmas trees today. The two siblings, who would often be fighting with each other and making their mother’s life hell ahead of a busy Christmas period, were strangely well behaved […]
“ALL YOUR HARD WORK”: Employee Tears Up After Reading Heartfelt Christmas Card From CEO
GORDON LIGHTFOOT | Culture “WE VALUE YOUR CONTRIBUTION” There must have been some dust in the air this afternoon because customer support officer Kylie Carlson could definitely feel her eyes welling up. Either that, or she had become emotional after reading her deeply heartfelt and personalised Christmas message she got from her CEO, John Brentford. […]
WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Office Employee Digs Real Deep To Give A Fuck About His Work
ROSEMARY ABBOTT | Culture MENTAL TOUGHNESS With less than three working days to go in the year, Ollie Davis has used every ounce of enthusiasm in his body to actually look like he’s doing something meaningful in the office. Davis, who works as an insurance broker in Wellington’s CBD, appeared animated at his desk, but […]
